[Moved thread! This is all Xxerth!]
<font color=red>The gray clouds that covered the sky held the sun hostage, allowing not a single ray of light to directly pass through their hold. It was almost as if the weather itself was hinting at the darkness and evil that consumed the land. Yet the sun was relentless, and soon its rays would pierce through the oppressive barrier of the clouds and bring brilliance to the land. This symbolized the coming of a true hero to purge the evil and restore light to...this...land...
Yeah right. That would be a good opening, wouldn't it? But...
"You see, as it is now," said Nehru, "I'm getting my ass kicked."
"That's because you have a lot to learn," replied Sama as she lit up another cigarette. "Humor me: Who are you talking to this time?"
--Nehru was an older adolescent, female youth with straight, dark purple hair slightly past her mid-back and bright teal eyes. Not surprisingly, she wore a hot pink nehru-styled longcoat (slender and fitting in shape with silver buttons from the collarbone down to the waist and a high collar that hides much of the neck). Also, she had a pair of sleek and shiny black boots.--
Nehru pushed herself back up to her feet from the alley floor and shook her head some. "No one in particular, I guess."
"Monologue," Sama stated the word more than asked. She pushed her rectangular glasses up a little with her index finger.
"Why do I have to learn to fight, anyway? How's that have anything to do with what I wanna do?" questioned Nehru as she rubbed the back of her head.
"Because," Sama started simply as she blew out a load of smoke, "all big epic quests have action sequences of some form or another, there's no escaping it. You'd best learn how to pull off grand and spectacular feats of superhuman strength, speed, agility, and dexterity to put on a good show. And don't give me that look, I didn't make up the rules, I just know them all."
"It would actually be impressive if you didn't know something..." Nehru murmured to herself as she brushed off her pink coat, becoming just slightly annoyed with the haughty mentor.
Sama took another savory drag on her cig and took out a long parchment from her pants pocket, more or less ignoring the comment. "Alright then, let's run through the checklist before we begin lessons again..." She unraveled the monstrosity of paper and began reading down from the top, "Have you ever successfully punched someone through a brick wall before?"
Nehru scratched the top of her head, "Um...I don't recall-"
"Cracked a brick wall by punching someone into it?"
"Nope."
"Deflected an oncoming attack nonchalantly with your trusty sword without even seeing it coming?"
"Ooh...that would be cool."
"Floored a bunch of bad guys during a gunfight with incredible, one shot-one kill accuracy and without taking a hit yourself?"
Nehru's eyes widened and see whistled in awe, "Da-mn..."
Sama narrowed her eyes a little, "Destroyed an entire company of highly-trained soldiers with a single attack?"
"Oh come on now, don't be silly. That sort of thing only happens in...I don't know, Online Fantasy Messageboard Role-Playing Games...or something like that," replied Nehru while crossing her arms.
Sama sighed frustratedly and rolled up the long list back into a scroll. "We...have a lot of work to do, kiddo."
--
Sama pocketed the list of action-oriented feats and began to saunter out of the back alley. "Come on, let's go."
Nehru cocked her head to the side, wondering where they were going, and jogged briskly to catch up with Sama. "Where are we going?"
Wasn't that blunt?
Sama exhaled another stream of smoke and stated impassively, "Incorrect usage of 'we'; While I will be going somewhere, you will be practicing."
Nehru looked disappointed. She used the big, sorrowful, puppy-dog eyes on Sama and said woefully, "Aww...but that's not fair..."
The mentor's half-closed, bored-looking eyes scrolled over to meet Nehru's own. "Too bad, kid."
Now that they were out of the alley and on the sidewalk of one of the streets of Adela, Nehru took the moment to face Sama and pressed, "But how am I going to practice while you're gone??"
Sama took her cigarette from her lips, tossed it to the ground, stamped it out, and glanced at Nehru. "Whine that good must be mighty expensive." She threw her overcoat back on. "Now observe."
After she was done fitting her arms into the coat's sleeves, Sama wrapped the overcoat shut and waited for a moment's passing. She then reached into her coat, and from it, produced a life-size dummy on a stick.
Nehru gawked in awe and puzzlement at her mentor's display. "What the...how in the world did you do that? How were you able to store a dummy that big in your coat??"
Sama sighed, somewhat annoyed by Nehru's lack of knowledge. "I utilized the Principle of the Untold Detail. I never told you that I did or did not have a life-size dummy stored away in my coat, nor did the narration make that clear distinction either. So, therefore, the dummy was both there and not there. That is, of course, until I made the clear distinction that the dummy was, in fact, stored away inside my coat by pulling it out. Of course, all of this was done at and for my convenience, you see."
Nehru was even more confused than ever now. "Principle...Detail...narration?? Huh?"
Sama placed the dummy on a stick firmly into the ground and slapped her hands down on Nehru's shoulders. "Listen, the Principle of Untold Detail is very useful, especially for someone with such a large coat. I suggest that you learn it at the earliest available opportunity."
"Okay..." she replied, still not understanding completely. And it was then at she noticed, "Hey...that dummy looks a whole lot like me. Are you trying to say something about me?"
Upon not so closer inspection, Sama's practice dummy did look a lot like Nehru: Pink longcoat, purple hair, teal eyes, the whole kit in a kaboodle (does anyone else ever use that phrase anymore?).
A smirk crawled up Sama's face as she turned around and started walking away. "How could you ever assume that I would do such a heinous act?"
Nehru's eyes narrowed and rolled to her right. "Oh it wasn't that hard, you know..."
Sama continued to call out instructions as she distanced herself from Nehru. "Just practice on the dummy until I get back. If you get lucky, a traveling master might see you and take pity on such a poor sight and decide to give you lessons just so his or her eyes will stop burning."
As Nehru was straightening out her look-alike dummy, she glanced over at the retreating figure of Sama and murmured quietly to herself, "A traveling master...oh come on, how often does that happen?"
"More often than you would expect," were Sama's last words that she called back before rounding the corner of a building to head down another street.
Nehru perked her eyebrow some; did she hear everything within a twenty-mile radius or something? People like that were annoying...
--
Well...why not?
Nehru stayed where she was for a good hour, practicing some punches and kicks on a life-size dummy that looked like herself. The local citizenry of Adela watched from afar as they passed by in the their daily routines, but dared not go close for fear that whatever was apparently wrong with the girl in the long pink coat was contagious.
Nehru was feeling quite good; she could beat herself up pretty well! She juked left and right with shifty feet before the dummy and jabbed a few times at it.
Then a drop of water landing right on the very top of her head.
Nehru stopped suddenly and glanced up.
Cloudy.
Before she knew it, she became soaked.
Rain.
!!!!
Uh oh! Sama said something earlier about the rain. She was looking through a book...a book that she gave Nehru...dang! Where she'd put the book??
Nehru snapped her fingers and focused her sight on the dummy of herself in front of her; the book was there and not there...the book was there and not there...the book was in its coat and not in its coat...
Nehru lunged forward abruptly and fished through the dummy's coat with her tongue sticking out...
Aha!
She extracted a yellow book with the title "Epics for Dummies" from the dummy's coat. Who would have thought...?
Nehru feverishly flipped through the pages of the book, looking for that section that talked about the rain in epics...
And what she found was a simple entry: Rain + Epic Quest = Bad = Run foo'!!
!!!!
BOOM...
BOOM...
BOOM...
Nehru's eyes shot wide open and she snapped the book shut. That wasn't thunder, loud and sudden noises during a storm were never thunder. They were usually bad too.
"I have you now! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" came a loud and appropriately scary voice from behind Nehru.
She timidly looked over her shoulder with a boggled look on her face.
An extremely tall and burly man who wore a big, flowing cape and whose face save his eyes was hidden by a full helm stood there, his finger pointed right at Nehru. "I am Zoron!! MASTER OF DESTRUCTION AND CHAOS!!!"
Nehru tried flashed a goofy smile and waved awkwardly, "Hi, I'm Nehru, a very scared and fragile little bunny rabbit right now..."
Zoron held his arms up towards the darkly cloudy sky and yelled, "I CHALLENGE YOU TO-" He stopped abruptly, lowered his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Bunny rabbit...?" He shook his head, got back into the evil nemesis spirit and once again raised his arms up towards the darkly cloudy sky and yelled, "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL, NEHRU!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Lightning flashed to punctuate his thunderous speech. Oh like you didn't see that coming...jeez...
Nehru began to back away from the hulking figure of Zoron and glance frantically to her left and right. "Sama...where are you...?" she murmured nervously to herself.
Zoron started to take big steps toward Nehru as he boasted, "No one has EVER beaten ZORON in a duel!! I have CRUSHED every opponent that I have EVER come across!! AND NOW!!! It's your turn Nehru! FACE ME IN A DUEL-"
Zoron balled his huge right hand into a fist and thrust it forward-
Nehru shrieked and shielded her head with her arms, looking away-
!!!!
....
Nehru noticed that she was still standing, and that she still had all her teeth! What happened?
She slowly opened her eyes and lowered her arms, seeing Zoron's unmoving fist right in front of her.
He concluded his speech, "OF ROCK, SCISSORS, PAPER!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
--
To say that Nehru was incredulous right now would be an vast understatement.
She let her arms sag to her sides and just gazed blankly at Zoron and his big fist. "You wanna play a game of...rock, scissors, paper?"
"DUEL!!!" Zoron bellowed, causing the ground to shake and the que lightning to strike again (which struck a conveniently placed chicken dinner and fast-fried it instantly. Mmmm...chicken dinner). "A DUEL OF ROCK, SCISSORS, PAPER!!"
"Oh, yeah, duel, my mistake," said Nehru as she looked away and scratched the back of her head. She summoned up her determination then and stuck her own fist out, "Ok, I'm game!"
Zoron smacked his helmeted forehead and spoke like a frustrated teacher, "Not like that! You're doing it all wrong!"
Nehru blinked. "Huh? Doing what wrong?"
"You're supposed to reply to my mighty challenge with a heroic response!" Zoron began to gesture with his hands. "You know, like 'I accept! I will avenge my people, Zoron!!'"
"But, I don't need to avenge my people-"
"Oh, really?" Zoron scratched his chin and thought for a moment. "Yeah, you're right. You look like more the magical girl type. How's about, 'For Love, Truth, and Justice, I will vanquish you evil Zoron!!'"
Nehru cupped her hand around her chin and considered that line. "Ok, I like it." She cleared her throat and then pointed her index finger at him. "For Love, Truth, and Justice, I will vanquish you evil Zoron!!"
He made an 'O.K.' sign with his left hand and then resumed his evil, bad guy atmosphere. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!! YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME!? I WILL CRUSH YOU, NEHRU!! LET US FIGHT!!"
Zoron narrowed his eyes in concentration-
Nehru narrowed her eyes in concentration-
ROCK - SCISSORS - PAPER - SHOOT!!
Nehru = Paper : Zoron = Scissors (Ownage!!)
!!!!
Nehru was suddenly lifted off her feet and thrown across the street by an invisible force, crashing into a building across said street and landing ungracefully on her rear end.
"HAHAHA!!" gloated Zoron as he held his hands on his hips. "FEEL THE PAIN!!"
"Ow!! My pinky finger!!" Nehru exclaimed as she flapped her throbbing left hand about. She glared back at Zoron and demanded, "Hey! I thought this was just a game of rock, scissors, paper! What gives??"
"DUEL!! DUEL OF ROCK, SCISSORS, PAPER!!" pressed Zoron. His tone became informative again as he explained, "Don't you know? Action scenes have to be spectacular and exciting to be any good."
"This is an action scene??" Nehru asked, her mind boggled.
"Yes! Yes it is!" Zoron cleared his throat and put his evil, bad guy atmosphere back on. "HA HA!! READY TO GIVE IN, NEHRU? IT'S FUTILE FOR YOU TO CONTINUE!!"
Nehru clenched her teeth and forced herself back to her feet amidst the pouring rain, despite the rather unimpressive pain pulsing not quite so unbearably throughout her left pinky finger. She furrowed her eyebrows determinedly and responded forcibly, "Never! I will never quit until I end your evil ways Zoron!!"
"YOUR MIS-" Zoron blinked and complimented, "Hey, that was a good one. I'll have to remember that."
"Thanks," replied Nehru with a big smile.
Nehru put on her heroically determinded face again and Zoron cleared his throat, "YOUR MISTAKE, NEHRU!!"
They each extended their fists toward one another.
Zoron narrowed his eyes in concentration-
Nehru narrowed her eyes in concentration-
ROCK - SCISSORS - PAPER - SHOOT!!
Nehru = Paper : Zoron = Paper (Stalemate!!)
"Ok," said Zoron. "This is where we compliment each other's abilities."
Nehru blinked and cocked her head to the side. "Why?"
"Because!! In all great duels the two combatants each realize that their opponents possess worthy strength!" Zoron cleared his throat yet again. "NOT BAD, NEHRU. YOU'RE BETTER THAN I EXPECTED..."
Nehru replied simply, "Too bad you suck though."
"WHAT???" Zoron roared. "THAT'S IT! THE TIME FOR GAMES IS OVER!!"
Nehru blinked and stated blankly, "This is a game."
"DUEL!!" He pressed.
Zoron narrowed his eyes in concentration-
Nehru narrowed her eyes in concentration-
ROCK - SCISSORS - PAPER - SHOOT!!
Nehru = Rock : Zoron = Scissors (Punked!!)
"NOOO!!!" exclaimed Zoron as he went flying down the street, propelled by the same, irrational force that tossed Nehru earlier. The evil lord rolled to a stop in which he lay face-first on the ground.
Nehru smiled like an idiot and shot a peace sign into the air with her right hand; she won one!!
"YOU HAVEN'T WON YET, NEHRU!!" bellowed Zoron as he pushed himself back up to his feet. "Because I have yet to unleash...MY TRUE FORM!!!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Nehru's eyes widened and she murmured, "Uh oh..."
--
[Insert short, tension mounting commercial break here]
....
....
[Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...]
"Now you will see...MY TRUE FORM!!" bellowed Zoron as he pushed himself back up to his feet. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Nehru's eyes widened and she murmured, "Oh no..."
She narrowed her eyes and glanced to the left and right. Wait...didn't that last exchange just happen last post? Stupid commercial breaks always make things repeat...
"BEHOLD!! My true form AND...your DOOM!!!" Zoron announced as he pumped both of his arms like a professional body-builder.
And then suddenly...
"John Basedow??" Nehru exclaimed.
John appeared out of no where and stepped out beside Zoron and pointed at him. "If you want buff arms, ripped abs, and an all-around hard body like this, then try my new Better Bod-"
Zoron pushed him away and shouted, "Get! Get outta here! The commercial break is over! I'm trying to morph into my true form!" He cleared his throat and pumped his arms again, "NOW THEN!!!"
Multiple que lightnings struck behind Zoron as his whole body became black for no good reason. He grew even bigger than he already was (OMFG!), sprouted demonic horns (OMFG!), grew bat-like wings (OMFG!), his feet changed into hooves (OMFG!), and his normal eyes changed into EVIL RED GLOWING PUPILESS OCS OF DOOM!!! (Lame, everybody has those, jeez. And who the hell uses the word 'ocs' to describe eyes, anyway? That's pretty dumb too)
"HAHAHA!!! ARE YOU AFRAID, NEHRU!?" asked the new-and-improved Zoron. "I SACKED MY CHARISMA SCORE FOR A MEGA BOOST OF STRENGTH, CONSTITUTION, AND DEXTERITY!!!"
Nehru frowned and replied, "You aren't kidding, min-maxer. You could at least put a bag over your head or something."
"WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME!!"
Nehru put on a randomly generated pair of sunglasses and said firmly, "It ends tonight, Zoron."
(Play music: Nehrudämmerung)
She started running down the street in spectacular slow motion towards her adversary amidst the pouring rain, her coat billowing out behind her.
Zoron started running down the street in likewise spectacular slow motion towards his adversary amidst the pouring, wearing a big scowl on his face.
Nehru made a fist with her right hand and arched it back-
Zoron made a fist with his right hand as well and arched it back-
ROCK - SCISSORS - PAPER - SHOOT!!
Nehru = Rock : Zoron = Scissors (Big grand finale prawnage!!)
"NOOOO!!! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!!" Zoron howled as he grabbed his head and slunk down to his knees.
"Best two out of three, Zoron! You lose!" announced Nehru with a grin.
Zoron pulled himself together and gave his wings a mighty flap, launching himself high up into the air. He hovered up there and pointed his finger down at her, "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT WEREN'T FOR-"
"Wrong cliché," informed Nehru scholarly with a finger held up.
Zoron smacked his head. "Oh, my mistake." He cleared his throat and thundered, "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, NEHRU!!"
With that, he threw his cape around himself and vanished.
(Que funny record-switching noise)
The rain immediately stopped and all the dark clouds sped away at the speed of light. The sky was once again blue, the sun popped back out, a rainbow formed, and two cute rabbits hopped by Nehru.
She blinked. "Wow. Things sure got better fast."
Nehru decided to consult her copy of Epics for Dummies and see what it had to say.
She found a short entry: Wow. That was fast.
"Hey! You're supposed to tell me why it was so fast!" Nehru demanded of the book.
She turned the page and found another entry: Everybody knows when the danger is over the rain suddenly stops and the sun comes back out. Didn't you?
"Wise guy..." she mumbled.
--
"Want a hint? Stop talking to books you nitwit," came the haughty, all-knowing voice of Sama.
Nehru's eyes bulged wide open in surprise. She wheeled around to find her mentor casually strolling up to her, a lit cigarette hanging out her mouth.
Nehru began stuttering like a political candidate whose mind blanked out during a televised debate (<- Blatant Election Day Joke). She finally hid the book behind her back and said innocently, "Book? What book?"
Sama proverbially threw that fish back into the sea of topics and changed subject. "Well, congratulations on your first victory on your epic quest. You're well on your way to destroying the evil, all-powerful ring in the fires of Mt.-"
"Wait a sec," Nehru interjected. "I'm not on a quest to destroy a ring. And where the heck would you get an evil ring, anyway? Windsor Jewelors?"
"Ok then," said Sama as she exhaled a puff of smoke. "You're well on your way to sailing back home after annihilating the city of Troy-"
"Hey! I'm not doing that either!" Nehru crossed her arms.
"Well excuse me for trying to give you ideas that are actually interesting. Your loss though..." Sama inhaled on her cigarette.
"Well?" inquired Nehru expectantly.
"Well what?" Sama played along.
"Did you send Zoron over to fight with me?"
"Heavens no," scoffed Sama, blowing out some smoke roughly. "He's a second-rate open contract villain. He got a few gigs in the past, but mostly he just bumps into would-be heroes and challenges them. Tough break for you, kiddo."
Nehru scratched the back of her head. "Then...what kind of help did you go and get?"
"Guidance," replied Sama as she took a drag. "Because you couldn't find your car in a parking lot the size of a palm pilot if it was the only one there."
"Hey!" Nehru interjected. "At least I can find my way around a really, really big tree!"
"That's because all you have to do is go around in circles, genius," countered Sama as she blew some smoke out of her nose.
"People like going around in circles! Why do you think racing is so popular?" Nehru pointed her finger at Sama for added effect to her question.
"Why do you think the I.Q. level of the average person is declining so dreadfully?" Sama toyed around with her glasses.
Nehru sighed and started waving around a small, white flag.
"That's what I thought," Sama tossed the cigarette over her shoulder. The burning butt landed in the back pocket of Ingus, a Snarvian and the last of his kind, and incinerated him instantly, making Snarvians officially extinct. "Now then, as I was saying, your guidance..."
Sama produced a small doll that resembled an old man out from behind her back. "Say hello to Old Plot Device Prophet," she said impassively.
"He's a doll?" asked Nehru incredulously as she leaned forward and poked it.
"A puppet to be a exact," explained Sama. "Because he and other tools like him are often employed by unscrupulous authors and writers as a quick and easy means to get from point A to point B."
Sama takes a glance at you (yes, you, the reader) and remarks, "Just try to convince me that you're not guilty of this."
Nehru perked an eyebrow, "Who are you talking to?"
"No one important." She handed the puppet to Nehru and instructed, "Pull the string and see what he has to say."
"Ok," and Nehru complied.
The doll rattled a bit as the string was slowly reseting to its original position, and it said in a funny voice like a creaky door, "</font><font color=gray>You can do it, Nazune, my child, darling. I'll guide you every step of the way-</font><font color=red>"
"What the crap was that?" asked Nehru with a raised eyebrow.
"Just some stupid plot device of Xxerth's," Sama grabbed Old Plot Device Prophet by the throat and shook it around some. "Try it now."
Nehru pulled the string again, and the puppet and rattled and spoke once more, "Nehru...you must travel to the city of Serendipity. There you must seek out the Melovingian. He will tell you what you must do..."
"There you have it," said Sama as she clapped Nehru on the shoulder.
Nehru just blinked. "Wha...why do I have to go to Serendipity? Why do I have to talk to this dude? What's he have to do with anything?"
Sama took out another cigarette and popped it in her mouth, "I'm not the one on an epic quest." She lit the cigarette and finished, "You figure it out."
"Great..." said Nehru as she started to trudge off in the direction she hoped led to Serendipity.
[And so, after defeating the evil and sinister Master of Destruction and Chaos Zoron, Nehru set out on her journey to far away land of Serendipity, which she would arrive at if only she turned at a fifteen degree angle to her left and kept on straight from there.
[To be continued.... <font size=1>(mwhahahacapitalismhahaha)</font>
....
[That good? Alright, and cut! That's a wrap folks. Fantastic people, fantastic...]</font>
