Lana's Journal

[Anonymous]

Your Breath...

I remember...  the first time we ever met.  I had thought I would be fearful of such a strange place, but somehow, from the moment my feet touched the barren ground of your Empire, I felt at home.  It was disturbing to me to feel so comfortable with all that I was conditioned to abhor.  My thoughts were telling me that I was in danger, that this was somehow terribly wrong, and my bones ached with the need to take off in flight.  And yet, before I could respond to my pounding heart my eyes fell upon an intimidating structure.  I was gazing upon the fortress of my adversary.  Though I felt no disgust or hatred.  I only kept drinking in its vast, cold beauty.  Whatever light may have existed there glimmered off of the black marble walls, making it twinkle like a night sky through a light fog.  And as if it were the only living, breathing thing that might match its brilliance, a figure stood several stories above imbued with a darkness equally as alluring.  Even so far away, we locked eyes, and I felt tremors of a different kind overtake me.  It was all I could do to compose myself, but you didn't seem to notice.  It seemed that you, too, were captivated by something.  I was not presumptuous enough to think it was me.  Your servants reluctantly allowed me through your palace doors, and I held my head high as they made crude comments about me in my presence.  I could not see through the thick darkness inside the palace, and before my eyes adjusted it was your strong, masculine voice that startled me.  "Silence!"  Your servants slithered off to their wretched quarters, admonished by your commanding tone.  That alone impressed me.  I had never met someone like me, someone of royal blood.  Power seeped from you effortlessly, and even as your soft footsteps gave away your slow approach, they were the footsteps of a King.  I was on equal ground with my sworn enemy, a son of royal blood.

This was the night our fates were intertwined.  In your arms I knew nothing of who I was or where I had come from.  I only knew the way your fingertips tickled the surface of my skin as you followed the contour of my hips.  I knew that only I was afforded the luxury of your deepening kisses, the heat of your breath as you sighed like a content child with your head nestled in my breast.  You made my heart full when I had never known how empty it truly was.  What good was it to represent a life, beliefs, an entire nation of people when I had learned how truly wrong it was?  I had decided that I had a new purpose.  My purpose was to love you, and spend the rest of my long enduring days at your side.  I never thought that such an innocent desire would so quickly lead to our end.

I still don't know whether you died at the hands of your people, or if you took your own life.  And I can only imagine in the nightmares that haunt my sleep what you must have thought of me.  How abandoned you must have felt, betrayed!  Oh, and how I wanted to make it right with you!  Had I only seen hope sooner...  Had I only been thinking of you and not only myself...  Had I only...

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Playing Pretend
(Ghanon)


Let's play pretend.

I'll be the flawless, winsome Queen who loves her Kingdom, and her people, and keeps them well, always.

And you. You can pretend to be what you like, but I think I already know what it would be.

You....

You would be a powerful leader, a force of change to be reckoned with. All that you'd lost, you would have still, but you would have it your way. Not in submission to someone else's plan... But in control of your destiny.

In a way, I would, too. I would again have all that became blurry in my mind's eye, due to the erosion of time. These things would be bright and clear again, only I would be able to have them in the way I wish to have them. I would guide my people in the ways of love, openness, knowledge, instead of ignorance. But alas... I can only sigh at these happy day dreams, and our thrones will eventually melt back into the rocks we sit upon, looking silly, like children, playing pretend.


But then, I can find solace in the vision of you, sitting there like I am, naked and open to life's blows. I am not alone in my plight when you are with me. I see a reflection of myself in you, only, it's different... You are different, just different enough to make me smile and want to know you more. And this is how I like you.

But sometimes, I think you are hiding from me. I stare, smiling, into your grand smile that watches back, unblinking. And then, after seconds go by I realize that your smile has lost its warmth and I stand, enraged, and tear your jeering mask off, and beneath you are still smiling, except it's the smile of satisfied trickery. You still hold so much within that I am not allowed to see, things that may yet hurt me or heal me. My mouth sets into an expressionless line and I can no longer be near you, I must go.

Yes, I want you. Indescribably so. But I am still unsure of what exactly 'you' are. As for me, I am simply a lost entity traveling through worlds like a shooting star passing by, only glimpsing the life around it. And after a moment, loneliness seizes me, and I look back at your knowing, expectant face, and I submit and take your hand, and somehow I feel a little of that gaping hole inside of me become filled.

Maybe that's enough, for now. Maybe I don't have to pretend to be what I will never be. Maybe, I simply need to be near you.