It was just F.'s luck, to drive the wagon Cubic Zirconia decided to ride in that day. All she did all day was hassle him. All day long. Every day. Nothing was good enough for her. And when she got really annoyed for no apparent reason, she poked him in his eye! His one good eye! He wasn't blessed with a spare! Those were expensive!
"Hey F.," said Zirconia.
"Yes?"
"You suck," she said, absolutely deadpan. I mean, really deadpan. That pan is deader than a dead horse that died last Tuesday.
"Thanks," replied F., keeping his eyes forward, on the road ahead of them.
"Hey F.," said Zirconia.
"Yeah."
"You're the scum of the earth," she said.
"That's good to know," he replied, hiding his irritation about as good as a tiger hiding its stripes.
"Hey F.," said Zirconia.
"Err... what now??"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
Zirconia slapped him in the back of the head.
"OW! What the heck was that for!? No. Wait. Don't answer that."
F. needed a way to get her off of his case. Something to distract her for a little bit so he didn't go completely insane... something... there! That paper lantern she always liked. Payback was going to be oh so sweet.
"Hey Cubic, catch," exclaimed F. as he reached back and snagged her precious paper lantern, then tossed it out the back of wag-
[center:3vcv314t]BOOM!!![/center:3vcv314t]
The paper lantern exploded on impact once it hit the road, blowing one of the wheels of the trail wagon completely up. The devastated wagon came to a screeching (*SCREEEEEEEECH!* You like that? Really evoked the image huh?) halt.
"Uh... I don't think that was made out of paper," F. observed.
"Uh... yeah!! DUH! You useless sack of week-old, over-stuffed, smelly, grease pig lard!" exclaimed Zirconia after she looked back from surveying the catastrophic damage. "At least I don't BLOW UP OUR FREAKING WAGONS when I'm frustrated!"
Nehru skipped along down the path in the middle of nowhere out in the Serha Plains. Finally! She had gotten Grave to tell her where to go next after she defeated Juke through a very conveniently placed plot-hole stemming from someone's incredible, legendary laziness.
(*whistling innocently*)
Sure, he said the best place to start looking was in the middle of nowhere out in the Serha Plains, but hey at least it was a start! Where else would she start looking for the Heart of SotE? It could be anywhere! The best place to start was probably nowhere, until she could work her way up to anywhere, until she finally looked everywhere and could officially say she had no clue where it was.
"um...nehru?" said Fish, who was perched on her shoulder.
"Yes, Fish?"
"what's that?"
"What's wha-?"
** LOUD NOISES!!! AND BRIGHT LIGHTS!!! **
Unshielding her eyes, Nehru saw that the explosion down the road was actually shaped like a heart. A Heart!
"Fish! Look!" said Nehru, all giddy-like (Lol, giddy) as she pointed toward the explosion cloud. "Is a sign! We should turn around now and try to find Essryn!"
Fish blinked. "wha...?"
"Nevermind! Let's see what that's all about," Nehru said as she started toward-
"OH YEAH!! OWW!!!" hollered F-Zero X as he spontaneously appeared on the scene.
"Rock out with your chainsaws out!!" yelled Kelly as she, too, spontaneously appeared on the scene.
Lightning struck a nearby tree, causing the tree to move and get struck again because it should've stayed in the same place.
"Uh... hey you two. I was actually onto something important down the road there..." Nehru started.
"Really?? No problem! We'll teleport you there with the power of ROCK!!"
(** EARTH SHATTERING GUITAR RIFFS!!! **)
After the earth was pieced back together, Nehru suddenly found herself next to the caravan of wagons from which the explosion originated, along with F-Zero and Kelly.
"Oh... so that's how you two can appear out of nowhere," said Nehru as a dusty old lightbulb materialized above her head and crackled with light. Fish poked the lightbulb with a stick, causing it to break and Fish to cry.
"Huh? Totally not following you dude," F-Zero said, who was totally not following her dude.
Nehru rolled her eyes. "Uh... don't worry about it."
"Hey, you there."
F., followed closely by Zirconia, came strolling up to the destroyed wagon. F., whose black-spotted white hair draped over one of his yellow eyes ever so bishounen-like, put his hands in his pockets as he surveyed the damage to the wagon. Zirconia was busy muttering a whole host of terrible things under her breath about how F'ed up F. was, scoring extra points for alliteration each time. And finally, Zanny Boy, the very definitely beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt female elf jumped out of the damaged cart and scratched the back of her feminine head with a girly hand of her's.
"Um, hi?" said Nehru, looking at the gang of people all surveying the horrifically mangled wheel of the wagon.
"The name's F. Or Ever, but most people call me F."
Nehru blinked. "That's a weird name. What's it mean?"
Sighing dramatically, F. let Nehru in on the secret to deciphering the annoying zen hidden in his name. "Say it out loud..."
For about twenty minutes straight, Nehru, Fish, F-Zero X, and Kelly all did just that. Their chorus of F's and Or's and Ever's was so painfully dissonant that several passing Mockingbirds died instantly, causing Harper Lee to give up novel writing forever and storm off in a fuss.
"There!" exclaimed F-Zero! Who just now got it!
"Where?" "where...?" "Ohmigod, WHERE!?" Nehru, Fish, and Kelly all prompted urgently.
"In the narration! Right after 'novel writing' and before 'and storm off'!" F-Zero put one hand on his hip and made a peace sign with his other hand, an action that was caught on camera and instantly uploaded to Youtube via Iphone and received over two million views within thirty seconds.
"Oh... well that's nifty. I guess," said Nehru, not really impressed.
"Not really impressed are you?" asked F. (<- how'd he know?) "Forget it. Look, we're in a jam here. Cubic Zirconia here blew up a wheel on one of our-"
Zirconia slapped him on the back of the head.
F. paused for exactly two and half seconds, closing his eyes tightly and balling his fist, a gesture which was 100% guaranteed to express his repressed anger to the world. "As I was saying, Zirconia here blew up a wheel on one of our wagons. If you could help us fix it, we--and by we, I mean Zirconia--will find a way to pay you back."
"Really? Do you know where the Heart of SotE is?" asked Nehru.
"Maybe," replied F. slyly.
"really? do you know where i can find some twinkle wings...?" asked Fish.
"Maybe," replied F. slyly.
"DEAL!! OWWW!!!" agreed F-Zero for them, before he slammed out a deafening guitar riff and --- --- ----- -- ---- ---- --- -----------.
(wait... wait... ears are still ringing.)
(wait...)
"Ok, I'll see what I can do," said Nehru.
"WHAT!?" hollered F., gesturing to his ear.
(just a little longer... there.)
"Ok, I'll see what I can do," said Nehru.
"Right." F. crossed his arms and helpfully watched as Nehru and crew bent over in front of the demolished wheel. They were inspecting it, but weren't getting very far.
"This is all your fault. No good, washed-up, useless, stupid, impotent, momma's boy, jerkface, loser," scorned Zirconia as she placed the blame solely on F. and F. alone.
(que ominous music)
Little did they knew, that something foul and sinister was creeping up the road toward them. Something whose named started with the scariest letter in the alphabet, "A" (AAAAAH! I can't even scream without an A). Something so horrible, so wretched, so vile, so crazy, so violent, we can't even mention it until next post when all this hype will be blown out of the water!
"It's still F.'s fault," said Zirconia, puffing her lips into a pout.
