Emery didn't know how much time had passed. A while, probably, and that was fine. The longer she was alone and away from him, the better. She needed to recenter herself, reclaim objectivity, focus on what was important. Something had happened back there, and she needed to ensure it did not happen again.
And so she murmured a prayer to Ansgar, the first Mordecai and her God, and Adhara, the virgin saint who gave her life for her people with unwavering faith and bravery, begging for their guidance, their strength, and their wisdom, because God help her, she needed it. For the first time in years, she needed it. She was trying, she really was. She was trying to do the right thing; she had been loyal all her years. She had even turned her back on her friends, her fellow Mordecai, when they wouldn't do enough.
But she felt...she felt she was being tested here in a way she had never been tested before. It wasn't the first time she had struggled; when she was young and new, it had been hard--even despite knowing the truths she did, personal truths carved into her very skin. But the right thing wasn't always easy.
Sometimes, the right thing was fucking devastating.
She had seen it before in a little girl that burned down her family home and her sleeping parents within. She had survived unscathed. She hadn't meant to do it. But Emery had ferried her to one of the camps to be...to be dealt with.
That had been hard. But it had been just. The right thing wasn't always easy.
Often, it was very lonely, too.
It was easiest when they were cruel. When their magic died around them and they saw her for what she was, and they attacked first in a panic, it was easy, and she let her anger carry her. When they were creating fake miracles and calling it Ansgar's blessing, it was easy to punish the blasphemy. When someone was clearly diseased with the effects of Fell, it was easy to put them down and not feel too much. It was a mercy at that point. It was the ones who hadn't really done anything that bothered her--but she had also seen what they could do, if they were allowed.
She had seen what this mage could do. What had she said before? What if it had been a village instead?
Eyes clenched shut, hands clasped together, she came to the end of her prayer and looped it, repeating it, breath shuddering. "O Lord and Anointed Saint, I come before You both and ask for Your strength within me..."
She hated this. She fucking hated this part. This was why the people in her group rarely ever worked alone. Not just for the safety of it, but because they could keep each other in check. Whatever they thought, whatever they knew, they were still working with people. With a partner, the job could get done faster and healthy distance could be maintained between them and the target. She had never had to spend so much time long alone with a bounty. She had never talked to one more than was absolutely necessary. Her walls were tall and fortified with ice and hurt and anger and she swore never to lower them.
"...to quell anger and and rest in self-control..."
She thought she could handle this. She thought it would be easy.
"...to turn from power and embrace service..."
She thought--
A soft voice beside her made her breath catch, made her fumble her words, and she froze like a deer.
Slowly, very slowly, she tilted her head just a little and cracked her eyes open just enough so that she could peer at him through her lashes, hoping he wouldn't notice her watching him. Was he...was he seriously...
What...what...?
She squeezed her eyes shut again with a sharp inhalation, swallowed, and continued her prayer where she left off even as mortification began to swell within her chest. She would have rather he caught her doing anything but this--but she had to complete the prayer once it was started. Her voice quieted, as though afraid he would listen to the words, her heart pounding as she sped up the verse. Oh God help her.
"...to push through fear and walk forward in grace..."
Shit. Shit. SHIT.
"...and allow your eternal strength to abidewithinmeamen!" she finished in a breathless rush, before snapping her eyes open and twisting to look at him.
"I told you to stay," she growled.