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A bit of my madness!

Started by Klezmer Gryphon, March 04, 2014, 04:17:53 PM

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Klezmer Gryphon

Here's a bit of a writing I scribbled down in my boredom one day, and decided to expand on it. I would appreciate any sort of feedback/critiques (don't worry about offending me, I've heard worse than someone saying my writing sucks, lol).

Anyway, here it is:


Evander let a long yawn escape from his beak, his talons rapping idly on the table. He didn't really care if anyone heard him; the library bored him. If the deteriorating books and boring old hag up front didn't drive the gryphon mad first, then the dull silence of the place would.

The gryphon took one last look at the giant clock that occupied most of the wall beside him. 2:39, it read. He wanted to scream; he had been sitting at that table for two hours at least, and was about to get up and leave for the park when he heard familiar footsteps echoing through the shelves behind him.

"Shows you can keep a schedule," Evander remarked, turning in his chair to face his friend, Councilman Joshua Sinclair. The councilman chuckled.

"Sorry, Evander. I tried to get here as soon as I could... Damned lobbyists never know when to shut up," he apologized, taking a seat across from his feathered 'friend'. In theory, Evander was the Councilman's personal servant, a slave in a sense. However, such formalities were thrown out the window when the gryphon took a bullet meant for the Councilman, resulting in a lasting bond between the two.

"Bullshit. I know you enjoy every moment of talking with those freeloaders," the gryphon retorted. He had to restrain himself from laughing at the ridiculousness of his own statement; he knew the councilman hated lobbyists with a pashion. Joshua merely smiled and patted his friend on the head as he took his seat.

"Now then... I suppose you're wondering why I asked you to meet me here." the Councilman calmly said, his tone becoming slightly more official, but still relaxed nonetheless, "To put it simply, I got curious."

"Curious? About what?!" Evander interrupted, puffing up in irritation. He had been sitting at that table for nearly nearly two hours, and if Joshua was going to give the gryphon a history lesson, he was going to tear the feathers from his wings!


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((Note: I added a bit more, and changed some parts to flow better, but it is essentially the same piece of text from earlier :) ))

Aeytrious

My opinion? The writing is solid, the characters, from what little we get, are interesting enough, and the relationship there is intriguing. But I have A LOT of questions. What kind of world is this where a gryphon speaks the common tongue? I assume a magical world, since you have a gryphon in the first place, and it forms words without lips. XD That doesn't bother me, and I'm sure it's easily explained. But my other questions spawn from this character. Is Evander the main character of the story? How big is he that he's in a chair? Is it a gryphon sized chair? Gryphons are generally quadrupedal, is yours bipedal? If its quadrupedal and the usual size of gryphons, how did it get that far into a library when they usually consist of narrow passages? and perhaps most importantly, if this is going to be a work meant for publication and sale, who is your target market?
Guild
The Soot Wolves

Characters
Ryk/Theodore/Rufus
ArjanDirkElijahGeldGulliusHiram
HerewardKheelanKurohanaLex
MalilaMelyndariaMowellesaQuinnlyn
SehrayanahTiberiusValencia
Ritousaey


Klezmer Gryphon

Well, to answers that last question, this isn't going to be something I expect to publish. If it turns out that I do want to get it published, that'll be awesome, but, if not, I won't really care XD

Now, to answer all those questions about Evander... First off: Yes, Evander is ONE OF the main character, and yes, he is quadrupedal. However, he isn't very big. If I were to give a rough estimate, I'd say he'd come up to the middle of the thigh on a 5'9" man. As for the chair... I probably should have given that more thought. A bench probably would have been a better choice. As for how he's able to talk, that one IS very simple; his beak (and therefore any and all gryphons I might include later in the story) are actually quite flexible. While the very end of Evander's beak is very hard, the rest of it is more like leather.

Hopefully that cleared some of your questions up, Aeyt.

Aeytrious

I find your answers interesting and enlightening. I see what I read in a whole new light. I'll read the new stuff later and then edit this post.
Guild
The Soot Wolves

Characters
Ryk/Theodore/Rufus
ArjanDirkElijahGeldGulliusHiram
HerewardKheelanKurohanaLex
MalilaMelyndariaMowellesaQuinnlyn
SehrayanahTiberiusValencia
Ritousaey


Klezmer Gryphon

Anyone else wanna comment? GIVE ME ALL THE FEEDBACK!  ;D

Zane

Man, I can already feel the power of my old Creative Writing Professor channeling through me.

So, from what I read, I honestly don't know if I want to continue, Evander seems like an inpatient, violence prone, brat. What does he do? Why does he know the Councilman? Why does the Councilman seek him out? What has Evander done to gain the notice of the Councilman?

These are just some of the things that I noticed. for what it is now, I find it extremely lacking. You mention a library, well that can mean a lot of things, There is a big difference between a public school library, and say, the Library of Congress. Paint me a picture with your words. I want to be able to close my eyes and see everything.

And here lies the prime statement, don't be too quick to try and usher in the story. If this is a first draft, make it verbose, sentences so long that it would make Ernest Hemingway blush, and paragraphs so full of details that the eyes bleed. Then edit it.

I don't want to discourage you from writing this, if anything, I want to empower you.

Write on, my friend.

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