The Trouble with a Guilty Conscience

[kleineklementine]

Tags to @Rhi-Rhi !



"I have good news for you, wolf."

This was the third time that Soren, as the nameless black wolf, had come back to the old mage Cain. He wasn't sure why he had started making these semi-regular pilgrimages. A guilty conscience, he supposed. As if somehow visiting the old man changed... something about what had happened with his student. Just the thought of her sent Soren's stomach churning. Pepper. The girl he had sold into slavery.

But none of this showed on the black wolf's countenance. The creature cocked his head, gazing with interest up at old mage with his keen golden eyes. Cain wasn't normally in a good mood, but there was a glint in the mage's eyes at the declaration.

Concentrating very hard, Soren directed one clear thought at the Cain. The mage had practiced this with him during his last two 'visits.' What?

"Pepper! I found her!" The wolf's hackles raised, body tense, but the mage continued, "Or rather, she found me! You only missed her by a week. But she's well enough; understandably shaken up. Sent her back up to Serendipity with an escort. Think she deserved it."

The news shocked Soren. And it changed everything. After that, Soren was driven by a newfound mission. He worked like he had never worked at all, and spent none of it. He worked like this for months, saving and scraping every penny. Okay, once or twice he slipped up, spent a bit of it on a drink or a woman, but the stomach-dropping guilt that followed sent him into a new frenzy of labor. He'd also gone back from time to time to Cain. Not that he really needed to be reminded just why he was working so hard, but, well, it didn't hurt to keep himself on track.

And once he'd saved up as much as he trusted himself to, Soren set off. Traveling through the Draconi forest and the forested riverlands of Serendipity had been easy enough. Even with the sizeable savings in tow. Traveling through the farmlands and dotted villages deeper in Serendipity had been a little trickier. No farmer was very happy to spot a wolf. And being in Arca... Well, Ketra made him nervous enough. But Arca was something else entirely. But he'd trooped forward, until he found himself where he was now: Pepper's mage college.

Soren never expected that Pepper would forgive him herself. He told himself that he'd just have to accept that. That he ought never try to see her again. But there was another way he could try to make amends with her. It was, of course, her debt. Soren had brought all of the sizeable sum he'd received for, well, Pepper's sale. And the accumulated savings he'd earned since that fateful day. Now he was paying it all against the young mage's debt at the college. It hadn't been easy to convince the bureaucrat of the college's treasury to accept the payment, but after turning on some of his charm, he'd managed.

With his 'good deed' done, Soren was now strolling the college campus in a bit of a daze. He should go. He'd done what he'd come to do. He knew that. So why was he still here? Walking through the college so conspicuously? He wouldn't admit it to himself, but deep down he knew the answer. Whether it was good for him, or for Pepper, or not... he wanted to see her.

[Rhindeer]

Pepper had a day off that day--or as much of a day off as a student ever got. But between studying and errands, she got a little free time, and so she decided she would head outside to take her meal in the university gardens.

Life had mostly returned to normal, though she still occasionally got hell from her peers. Rumors had gotten started, and some were still floating around, though mostly they had died down because people grew bored, and moved onto the next bit of juicy gossip. It still stung, though, and it had still impacted her reputation--not that hers had ever been good. She'd been lower than low on the social hierarchy before she'd come to the university, and there were some among the mages that liked to remind her that she was only here because she'd gotten lucky.

Now whore had been tacked onto her reputation because, as the rumors went, she'd been running off on amorous adventures with a stranger in Adela, and then she'd gotten sold into slavery. And you just know what happened to slave women, right?

As if that whole experience hadn't been nightmarish enough. As if the betrayal hadn't already hurt, and hurt deeply. And to add that insult to injury, to spread rumors that what she'd been afraid of happening had happened, and that it was somehow her fault, it just made her angry. It had been the source of a number of recent fights--fights that had gotten physical.

But today was rather peaceful, and with her light lunch in hand, carried in a little sack, she had just about made it to the hall leading out--

When she turned a corner and came face-to-bloody-face with him.

It took her a moment to recognize him. Or rather, took her a moment to recognize that it wasn't some sort of twisted dream. She came to an abrupt stop, sack clutched to her chest, and stared at him with wide eyes for several long seconds, lips parted, gut twisting, and heart beating a staccato rhythm--first with hope, because she remembered how he'd made her feel before everything went bad, and then with panic.

It couldn't be.

It couldn't be.

But it was, he was here--what the hell was he doing here?! Had he been looking for her? Had he found out about her escape and wanted to take her back? Her pulse quickened, a trapped thing fluttering in her chest, and she took a step back, then another, and then she pulled her arm back and threw her lunch at his head with all her strength.

"Get the fuck away from me!" she yelled and spun on her heel, ready to run.

[kleineklementine]

If Pepper was surprised at Soren's sudden appearance, Soren was nearly as much so. Or at least, it seemed so, because when she nearly ran into him, the normally confident man jumped clean into the air. (Of course, he had known she would be here somewhere, and she couldn't have guessed he'd be anywhere to be seen!) Once he was back on his feet, Soren simply returned Pepper's startled stare, his gold-brown eyes wide. His mouth hung half-open, not saying the words that weren't coming to him. He'd wanted to see her, but from a distance! Right? Or had he secretly hoped for a confrontation? Harbored some small hope of forgiveness?

Bam! Pepper's lunch smacked directly into his face. He hadn't even seen it coming. It hit him full on, then dropped to the ground. He stood there, frozen with his stunned expression unchanged, for a moment or two while Pepper yelled at him. But when she turned to run, Soren snapped out of his reverie and sprung after her.

In one deft movement, Soren caught up with Pepper and, an arm around her waist, caught her.

"No, wait!" he argued, his voice not nearly as loud as Pepper's scream. Nor as confident. "I'm not here to hurt you."

[Rhindeer]

"Let go!" Pepper yelled, and immediately took to struggling, her hat falling off her head as she twisted in his grip. "Let go, ya bastard!"

She stomped at the toe of his boot with her heel and and swung an elbow at his gut, but her blows weren't as hard as they could have been--because somewhere along the way, her yelling had turned to sobbing.

[kleineklementine]

This was not going well.

If Soren was hoping for an easy reconciliation, he obviously wasn't going to get one.

Not sure what exactly he was doing or why, he gritted his teeth and bore the blows and stomps from Pepper, holding on tight to her. It wasn't so difficult physically; he was definitely stronger than Pepper. It was a bit harder mentally. Normally, when faced with an awkward confrontation, well, Soren's natural instinct was to not. Accountability for his mistakes was not something Soren usually took on. Why face a problem when you could run from it?

Yet here he was. And he had come here. On his own. And after making his gesture of good will, or whatever he'd thought he was doing with her debts, he'd stayed. He'd stayed in hopes of having this very meeting. And now that he had it?

Pepper's struggles slowed as her shouts turned to sobs. That, nearly, did set Soren running. Sobs. But instead he just turned Pepper to face him, holding firmly onto her shoulders and trying to make eye contact and trying to keep his expression one of worried calm, rather than just worried.

"I just want to talk to you."

[Rhindeer]

Soren turned her to face him, but Pepper avoided his eyes. She didn't want to look at him. Didn't want to see him. Didn't need that reminder of how stupid she was to wander off with him, just because he was handsome and made her feel special.

What a load of bullshit.

"Talk? Ya wanna talk? Fuck you!" Pepper managed to get out through her tears, her throat tight with repressed sobs. He held her by the shoulders, and she shoved at his chest, hard, to try to break his grip. "Yer words ain't worth shit! Ya sold me! I trusted ya and ya lied and ya sold me! To slavers! Like I wasn't worth nothin'! Ya know what they did to me?!"

She wiped at her face, which was red from her crying, and looked everywhere but at him as the tears kept falling despite her efforts to blink them back. Fuck, fuck, she hated that she was crying, why did she have to cry? It made her feel pathetic and weak, because she was angry, and she wanted him to know it!

He didn't need to see how goddamned hurt she was.

"How much ya get for me, huh? How much was I worth?"

[kleineklementine]

This was why Soren didn't normally stick around. In the face of actually being held accountable for his actions, he had no idea what to do. Seeing her like this, hurt and crying and embarrassed and angry, well, it just made him... uncomfortable.

Slam! He was even more uncomfortable when her hard shove nearly knocked the wind out of him. That was almost easier to take, though, than her teary eyes and the emotion all over her face. He held onto her, though, not sure what he should really do. Soren was a man without a plan.

But even as he  felt awkward and guilty and generally awful-about-this-all, he couldn't help but silently correct her. "Like I wasn't worth nothin'!" Well, of course, he thought, if she hadn't been worth anything, he never would have been tempted to sell her at all.

Ugh. What was wrong with him? How could he even think that? Especially now! He was, it seemed, in every situation, a Grade A Schmuck.

But he didn't have long to dwell on that before her next question hit him across the face. His frown deepened. No. He didn't know 'what they had done' to her. The thought made him feel, simultaneously, queazy and protective. The irony of this, when he'd been the one to put her in harm's way, was not lost on him. What a schmuck.

Soren bore the brunt of Pepper's comments in worried silence. Finally, when she spat at him asking what price he'd gotten for her, he grimaced a little.

"I didn't keep any of it," he said lamely.

[Rhindeer]

Pepper laughed, short and bitter. "Of course ya didn't keep it. 'Cause ya spent it. Get anything good?"

[kleineklementine]

"No, I mean, that's not what I meant, I," Soren was floundering. If he could control his shifting, there was a good chance he would turn into a wolf now and quite literally turn tail and run. The confident and self-assured Soren that Pepper had met in the woods was nowhere in sight. If anything, he now looked desperate.

"I mean, I didn't keep it at all. I gave it to Cain." Soren almost said 'fuckin' Cain,' but thought this might not be the right time to revive the joke.

[Rhindeer]

Pepper stared at Soren a moment, and knew he was telling the truth. Cain had mentioned a black wolf that had come to help look for her, and she'd known what it meant, but she'd said nothing. Just acted like she didn't know what was up. And the truth was, she didn't know what was up, because she didn't understand why Soren would sell her, and then want to help find her. Why he'd sell her, and then give the money to Cain.

And she sure as hell wasn't ready to let Soren off the hook.

"Okay," she said, wiping away more tears and giving him the flattest look she could muster in that state. "Why? Compensation?"

[kleineklementine]

"What?"

If Pepper's strong reaction to seeing him had surprised him - and deep down, it hadn't - the fact that she'd calmed down even a little bit now surprised him much more, and it showed.

"Compensation for what?" It wasn't really a question, though he wasn't sure what he could have expected compensation from Cain for. As though the old mage had been in on the deal.

Why wasn't there some lie he could tell? Something to just make this easy. But no, he hadn't come all this way to tell a lie. Looking a little sheepish, guilty, and worried, he answered, "So we- so he could pay your... To get you from..." He was having trouble actually saying 'price' or 'slavers' or anything else that alluded too directly to the reality of what he'd done. He was practically squirming. Instead he finished, "So he could get you back."

[Rhindeer]

Pepper stared at him again, unbelieving.

"Well, he didn't get me back," she snapped, and felt tears welling up in her eyes again, despite her attempts to hold them at bay. She jerked away from him and took two steps back, wanting some distance.

"I got sold like a fuckin' cow. D'ya got any idea of what that's like? Wakin' up 'cause you've been netted like some animal? Findin' out the person you trusted sold ya out and tied yer goddamned leg, just to be extra sure ya couldn't run? Gettin' taken to that...to that place, with all those other girls, who...who..."

Her throat tightened, but she pushed past it. "Ya got any idea how humiliatin' it is, gettin' stripped down and checked out like a horse, front of all those men? While they...while they look at ya, and say things...like..."

She drew a shaky breath, but her words came out in a choked rush as she relived it, the tears falling freely again. She hadn't told anyone all the details, or all her fears. But she told him now, because how fucking dare he think a little money was going to fix this.

"Like the only reason they ain't gonna fuckin' rape ya' is 'cause virgins sell? Then gettin' bid on! Seein' how much people think yer worth! Hopin' and prayin' ya won't go to some sick bastard. And then...and then when the slaves got free, and they murdered them all--fuckin' murdered them, cut 'em all down right there--"

She cut off with a hitched breath and wiped at her face, though her shoulders shook with fresh sobs. "Fuck you."

[kleineklementine]

Soren winced. No, he definitely hadn't known what Pepper had been through. And hearing it now shed a light of reality on what he'd done - what he had done to her - that he'd been trying very hard over the past several months to keep fuzzy. Soren didn't want to know in detail what Pepper had been through. What she had felt. He just wanted it to be like, okay, she had been in a tricky situation, but then she'd been freed! It had all worked out just fine in the end! And then Pepper could hear about how Soren had actually felt really bad about it all and had even alerted her mentor and tried to save her. And then it would all be all right, right?

Wrong.

Soren might not want to know the details, the reality of it, but he tried to listen to it now. Without just glossing over the uncomfortable truth of what she was saying. He tried to picture her there, alone, surrounded by those men; men he didn't even like being around! He could all too easily imagine what they would have said. How they would have laughed and gestured. He hadn't made himself think about it before, but of course he had known what kind of men they had been. What kind of men they almost always were.

And he had liked her! Genuinely! Would it really have been that bad to just admit his lie to her then, or... even just to change it! Had he really thought at the time that since he felt bad about it, the action had been less despicable?

Soren honestly didn't know.

And now she was crying again. He had to stop himself from putting a comforting arm around her. That, he was sure, was the wrong move. But the new bout of tears snapped Soren out of the miserable parade of images of Pepper and the slavers going through his head. And suddenly he noticed: All the shouting and crying had not gone unnoticed. At the end of the garden path, two or three voyeuristic strangers had gathered, whispering amongst themselves.

Soren shot them a dark, but bewildered look. Again a feeling of protectiveness firing up in him towards this girl. Then, very tentatively, he put a hand on Pepper's shoulder, taking care to otherwise keep himself as far away from her as he could. He didn't want to seem... oh, he didn't know.

"I'm really... I don't know what to say, Pepper," he said quietly, awkwardly, as he tried to gently steer her away from the main path and towards a small, and much more secluded, garden enclave. Where all those Nosy Nancys couldn't just gape and watch. "Can we, er, -" he didn't manage to finish, trying to guide Pepper away, throwing another dark/bewildered glance at the onlookers.

[Rhindeer]

Pepper flinched at Soren's touch and jerked away from him, about ready to snap at him not to touch her--but movement just beyond him caught her attention, and she saw what Soren had seen: a small gathering of onlookers. Great. Just bloody fantastic. They had an audience. She hoped to Kia they hadn't been there long enough to hear all the sordid details.

Turning her back to them, she sniffled and wiped at her runny nose with the back of her hand. "Yeah, fine," she mumbled, and headed toward the garden he'd started to guide her toward.

Part of her wondered why she was doing this. Why she was given the traitor the time of day. She should just leave. Get away from him. Because being around him hurt, hurt in a raw way she hadn't expected--because she'd believed he was her friend, because he'd made her feel special in a way no one else had, because she'd...she'd opened herself up to him and had fun with him and...

Cain had said a wolf had come to him, helped him look for her, brought him the scrolls and money.

And she'd desperately wanted to believe that maybe, maybe it had all been a mistake. That maybe he hadn't actually sold her out, that maybe the slavers had lied about that when they'd told her he'd betrayed her. But Soren himself had confirmed it now--he'd admitted he'd taken payment for her, because he'd admitted he hadn't spent what they'd given him.

Then why? Why all this? Why help Cain? Why come here now?

Outside, Pepper came to a fountain and took a seat at the edge. She leaned her arms on her knees and looked up at Soren with red eyes."Okay," she said, wiping at her eyes again. "Talk. Why'd ya do it."

[kleineklementine]

Soren removed his hand from Pepper's shoulder as soon as they were away from the onlookers. Once they were walking, he crossed his arms, looking thoroughly uncomfortable.

Talk.

He had said he'd just walked to talk, hadn't he? Soren guessed that was a lie. Was it? Soren wasn't even sure any more. He guessed he did want to talk, but he wanted it to be more of a him-apologizing-and-her-forgiving-him-hugs-all-around-no-more-guilty-conscience sort of 'talk.' It didn't seem like he was going to do that.

But her question was one he'd been asking himself. Over. And over. And over.

Why had he done it?

"I..." He should make something up. A sick cousin who would die without a lot of money for an expensive healing operation. Or a sister who needed to be bought OUT of slavery, and he needed the cash to get her. No, not a sister, a niece! A child would sound MUCH better, but... "I don't know," he answered instead, wincing as he said it. After a moment, he added, his voice cringing, "I've been asking myself that a lot, actually..."

Soren glanced back over his shoulder. No one, at least, seemed to have followed them. And now they turned a corner in the high, shrub-lined garden path. Just as well. As long as they were walking, they weren't physically fighting. Pepper could really pack a hit! And it seemed like this path went on for awhile. Just as well. What Soren hadn't figured out yet was that they hadn't just turned down a secluded garden path: they were about to get lost in the famously intricate Mage College Maze.

[Rhindeer]

"Ya don't know," Pepper repeated flatly, though her voice was stuffy and nasally. She stared at him hard.

"So ya just...what? Backstabbed me fer giggles? Is that it?"

[kleineklementine]

"What? No!" Soren answered quickly, throwing his hands up defensively. "It wasn't like that! I mean, I didn't..."

But what did Soren mean. It wasn't for laughs, that was for sure. He'd hated it even while he was doing it. Then why had he done it?

"I mean," Soren rubbed the back of his neck, cringing with discomfort. "I mean... It wasn't fun," he finally said, voice dropping into seriousness. "But I, I don't always make the right decision. And, I don't know, I had just done a job for this slaver - a different job!" he interjected quickly, too quickly and too defensively. "Not, like, a slaver job! But, when you were so... so rash following me into the forest and threatening me if I took the scrolls, well, it occurred to me if the scrolls weren't worth anything..."

Soren cringed. It was even worse saying all of this out loud than he'd imagined. He hadn't even ever really said it to himself. Without him really realizing it, they turned another corner, the hedges narrowing and the space between Soren and Pepper getting tighter.

"I didn't really want to do it, but.... I guess I don't always do.... I mean..." This was going horribly. Soren could hear how ridiculous he sounded. Ridiculous at the best. He let out a half sigh, half groan. "I don't know. I don't know what I was doing. I'm not very good at doing the right thing. And I really liked you. I... I don't know."

[Rhindeer]

Pepper crossed her arms over her chest as she walked, her head down and shoulders hunched. She didn't know why she was giving Soren the time of day. Well, okay. So she knew. She was talking to him because she'd been hopeful. Hopeful that maybe...ugh, it was ridiculous, but she'd been hopeful that maybe he had some tragic, sympathetic story about how he'd been forced to do it or something. Like he needed money for his parents who were dying or...or something. It wasn't like it would make selling her out better, but at least it would be a valid reason? An...understandable reason? Kind of? She just wanted answers, wanted to know why, to make sense of it all in her head.

To make sense of her own strange, jumbled mess of emotions, and the things she'd felt when Cain had revealed that a black wolf had come to help him, right after her kidnapping.

But as she listened, she only felt more tense, more hurt.

He didn't even have a real reason.

Fresh tears welled up in her eyes, and she wiped them stubbornly away. "So I was just some...some decision, huh?" she asked, turning her head away from him to stare at one of the leafy walls. "I weren't even a person to ya. I was just a choice ya could make. A thing. Didja even think one second 'bout my feelin's? Gee, great to know I'm as easy to sell off as some fuckin' parchment!"

Turning to look at him, she came to a stop. "I liked ya! I'd never think of doin' somethin'...somethin' like that to anyone I liked. Not even to someone I disliked! How could ya even say ya liked me?"

[kleineklementine]

"No, no you weren't 'just some decision,'" Soren argued, frowning deeply, his whole body cringing. He meant what he said, but he heard how flimsy it sounded. What could he say, anyway, in the face of his actions? And, oh no, tears were welling up in her eyes again. Soren had no idea what to do. "Look, you weren't a decision, Pepper. I made a decision. A bad one. One I regret... a lot. And I'm not saying that changes anything, or makes it better, or that you should forgive me or anything, I just -"

Soren groaned, cringed, mussing his hair with both hands in an unconscious tick. And suddenly they were at a dead end. He sighed, then stopped their walk, looking Pepper in the face. Or at least trying his hardest to. Soren still looked painfully uncomfortable. 'You were always Pepper. And I treated you worse than I've probably ever treated anyone. I don't have an excuse, and I won't try to make one. I'm just, not very good." At first it seemed like Soren was maybe going to say 'good at something', but he left the sentence there, and that's what he'd meant. Soren had accepted it about himself a long time ago. Ever since his brother's death. He wasn't good. And he didn't expect good things from himself. In that moment, he didn't stop to wonder if that, maybe, was his problem.

"Look, I didn't come here to get any kind of forgiveness from you, and I don't expect to to give me any. I just wanted to see you were okay, I didn't mean to actually see you, I -"

But Soren suddenly cut himself short. Because around the corner of the garden hedge, the sound of hasty footsteps came. And the sound of an argument. And something about it made the hair on the back of Soren's neck prickle.

"You'll get your payment, Shadow, when you give me results!" hissed a first voice. It was the voice of an older woman, with an educated lilt. "Before then, you can expect nothing!"

"Payment," came the sound of a second voice. Or was it a voice? It had a hollow, windy sound to it and was certainly not human. Something about it sent a chill down Soren's spine.

The voices were getting closer, about to turn the corner to the path Soren and Pepper were on. Acting on an impulse, Soren spotted a sidepath and grabbed Pepper, making sure to clasp a hand over her mouth, and dragged her down the side path. It turned out to be the entrance to a small 'room' in the edge, perhaps four feet squared, with a small fountain in the center. Soren pulled them both out of the entrance way, hidden behind the wall, just in time before the voices turned the corner.

"I brought you the Secrets," the hollow voice said, now so close that it made the hair on the back of Soren's neck stand up. It felt as though the air were actually chilling around them. Or around it. "Now you must give me payment."

"You're being too hasty!" the woman's voice snarled. "Your 'secrets' have done nothing for me! Until they unveil themselves, you will receive no payment!"

[Rhindeer]

Pepper had been ready to lay right back into Soren, because at the very least, his flailing and retreating was satisfying. She wanted him to hurt for hurting her! But hushed voices, and Soren's hand over her mouth, cut her off, and before she knew it, she was being pulled aside and down another path.

Indignant, she flailed and grabbed at Soren's hand to try to pry it off, wondering what the hell had gotten into him that he thought he could touch her like that--but then she froze, hands still on Soren's. Because it was then that she actually listened to something beyond her own burning anger and focused on those voices, and what they were saying.

That hollow voice sent a cold shiver racing down her spine. Secrets...? What? Payment? And the woman's answering voice...

Pepper didn't recognize the inhuman one, but she definitely recognized the woman. Squirming a little, she pulled Soren's hand down just enough to free her mouth.

"It's Mistress Tareena," she whispered, green eyes wide. That name wouldn't mean anything to Soren, but it meant a lot to Pepper. Mistress Tareena was a terror of a woman. Noble born, intelligent, and magically gifted, she had always acted with obvious bias toward the other noble-born students--and with disdain toward the ones, like Pepper, who had come from low class backgrounds. The ones who were "lucky" to be there, which implied she felt they didn't deserve to be there.

She and Pepper had clashed from day one.

"Always knew there was somethin' shady 'bout that bitch." She hadn't, but now her dislike felt vindicated.

"We had an agreement. It's no fault of mine you cannot use what I gave you," the hollow voice hissed, making Pepper go cold and silent. "Blood for Secrets. That was our agreement. You have your Secrets. Where is my blood?"

"You'll have it soon enough! But I need more time!" came the woman's answering voice. "This is a delicate matter. There are eyes everywhere. I can't just snatch a student straight from the halls!" Pepper went tense and gripped Soren's hand tighter. "There is planning involved and--"

"You had plenty of time to plan," the voice cut in. "And I've had plenty of time to lose my patience. You have your Secrets. Now I'll have my blood."

The scream was gut-wrenching, and then it was wet and gurgling.