Darkest Night [DragonSong] [M]

Zero · September 23, 2018, 03:22:32 PM

The barely perceivable touch to his shoulder made Cole flicker his eyes open, looking at the pretty, young desert elf he had kidnapped, then freed. Would he have done it all, risked everything, nearly lost his life, turned his back on everything he had ever known, if it weren't for those vivid dreams that he now knew were not mere dreams? He didn't know, but he knew that it had been the right thing to do.

If only he could have saved them all.

"You really don't hate me, do you?" His tone spoke of disbelief as he realized that Zahra really had done and said all those things. It hadn't just been a subconscious, wishful thinking.

DragonSong · September 23, 2018, 03:49:13 PM

She blinked. "What?"

That had not exactly been what she'd been expecting.

Zahra was quiet for a long moment, then, slowly, she shook her head. "No. No, Cole, I don't hate you. I...I thought I should, for a while. I wanted to. And— and I still don't know if I can truly forgive some of the things you've done, but...I don't hate you."

She smiled softly, ruefully, almost painfully, and reached out to touch his cheek gently. "I don't think I can."

Zero · September 23, 2018, 04:08:28 PM

The gentle touch on his cheek made him close his eyes again, trying to hold in tears as they gathered.

"You should hate me." Cole had said it so many times and he meant it every time. There was also a deep desire for her not to hate him even though he deserved it. She should have let him die. He was glad she hadn't. "I hate myself. I can't forgive me."

Those were also true.

DragonSong · September 23, 2018, 07:02:36 PM

Zahra was quiet for several long, heavy moments. Then she sighed and shifted closer to him, wrapping her arms lightly around his shoulders.

"Then I'll stay with you until you can," she whispered, letting her brow rest against the side of his head. "I know...I know it's a strange way of learning about you, but those dreams did teach me something. And I know you're worth it. I won't give up on you, okay?"

Zero · September 23, 2018, 07:17:02 PM

A moment of tension rippled through the drow as those delicate arms circled his shoulders, but it passed quickly as Cole relaxed and leaned slightly into the small woman beside him. He wanted to feel that gentle comfort while he could, before it inevitably slipped away.

"Most people don't get to know each other in their dreams, but I still think you are wrong." Another thought struck him suddenly, thinking about those dreams. He had behaved in ways he never would have awake, shown an alarming level of weakness and vulnerability. That was wildly embarrassing and his already grey face darkened a few shades.

"About those dreams...I am...not always that...you know...." Weepy? He felt ready to cry even now. It had been a very taxing several days. "...emotional?"

DragonSong · September 23, 2018, 07:24:40 PM

His blush was almost contagious, as she found her cheeks heating and her eyes ducking slightly. "Well, I, ah...I sort of figured," she mumbled sheepishly. "I-- Really, Cole, I feel awful about all that. I didn't want to invade your privacy that way, I just didn't know..."

Her voice trailed off and she swallowed nervously. Pulling her arms back to wring her hands, she asked softly, "I know you-- you were probably confused, and stressed, and-- and emotional, but...did you mean the things you said? In the dreams?"

Her cheeks darkened a few more shades and she added in a whisper, "I...meant what I said. Even though I thought it wasn't real...I meant it."

Zero · September 24, 2018, 09:44:05 AM

Feeling her pull away, he wished she would have stayed. It was wrong of him, but he wanted her to hug him again.

"You meant all of it?" Surely not, how could she? Cole didn't believe that she would have comforted him so if she had been aware that it was more than a simple dream. He especially struggled to accept all those gentle touches, the way she had held him as he cried to her about his misery...

Had she not just been holding him? They were both well and truly awake and she still had reached out to embrace him. Maybe she did mean all of it.

"I had no reason to lie. I didn't think it was real. I didn't think it mattered if I was honest." Yes, he had meant all of it. His regret, his pain, his self-loathing, and his promise to help her - it had all been true and real. There had been no reason to hide behind his emotionless shield with Zahra in a dream.

DragonSong · September 24, 2018, 09:51:10 AM

Zahra nodded quickly. "I did. I meant it. Really."

She bit her lip again, indecisive, then gave into her stronger impulse, huffing out a breath as she leaned forward to hug him again. He hadn't told her not to, and honestly she need the physical comfort just now.

"I can stop," she mumbled, not meeting his eyes. "If this make you uncomfortable, I can stop. I just--"

Words failed her and she sighed, holding him tighter.

"I know it must seem strange," she whispered after another moment. "But I'm...I'm glad. I'm glad the person I knew in those dreams was really you."

Zero · September 24, 2018, 10:03:33 AM

Had he accidentally vocalized his wish out loud? Cole didn't think he had, and yet Zahra's arms were around him once more, just as he had wanted them to be. Rather than question it, he put his own arms around her, hugging her gently.

"No, I kind of like it. Nobody has ever..." Hugged him like she did? That was true. There wasn't gentleness in his life. He changed direction of what he was going to say. She didn't need to pity him even more, but she probably already knew or suspected. Cole had revealed so much in his dreams without realizing what he was actually doing.

"I think you may be the only person that knows anything close to the real me." None of the mercenaries knew, it was too dangerous for him to show how he really felt. They couldn't know how soft and compassionate he really was, couldn't know his real thoughts about what they did or how much he wished to save and spare the people they hurt. "When you kept coming into my dreams I thought I was just seeing and hearing what I wanted to see and hear. It felt wrong of me to seek comfort from you, but...I think I invited you. So don't feel too bad about invading my privacy, as you called it."

DragonSong · September 24, 2018, 10:09:59 AM

A tiny light of something close to pure joy kindled in her chest and Zahra held him tighter, shifting slightly so she could curl into his side. Gods, it just felt so good to reach out and actually have someone there to reach back, offer comfort and receive it in turn.

"Okay," she murmured after a few moments mulling over his words. "If...if you're sure you aren't mad." She paused, then added gently, "And I promise I won't do it again. I mean-- I'll try not to. If I end up in your dreams on accident, I'll make sure to tell you what's happening so...so it's not..."

Words to convey what she was trying to express seemed to elude her, and she huffed out an aggravated breath. Slowly, she sat back, though she didn't remove her arms from around him completely. She tried for a small smile.

"For what it's worth, Cole...I'm really starting to like the real you."

Zero · September 24, 2018, 10:20:30 AM

"Invasive?" Cole supplied quietly. He still wasn't sure how exactly to feel about Zahra being able to waltz right into his dreams, but angry wasn't the feeling. Part of him wasn't sure that he minded much at all. She had come to him and offered comfort when he was falling apart. It was hard to begrudge her for a little snooping when he had called to her himself at times.

When she sat back he kept his arms loosely around her so if she really wanted to she could pull away, but it was pretty obvious he didn't want to lose the connection completely.

"It doesn't change the rest. I still did those things. You shouldn't like any of me." He still wanted her to like him. The drow cared what she thought of him. Cole wished he knew what he should really do, because everything seemed like he was going to make the wrong decision at any moment.

DragonSong · September 24, 2018, 10:26:49 AM

"Oh, Cole." She sighed softly and reached up to cup his cheek in her hand delicately, eyes searching his face.

"You're right," she said after a long moment. "Not about all of it, but about... You have done bad things." She swallowed thickly-- she really didn't want to think about all that entailed. "I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to pretend like that doesn't make a difference to me, like I don't care about that, b-because I do. But..."

She bit her lip, thinking over her words carefully. "But I also...think I've begun to understand why. And it doesn't make the hurt you've caused matter less, but it does-- it does help me forgive you." Cautiously, she offered another smile, letting the pad of her thumb stroke over his cheek. "Because no matter what I believe, the fact is you didn't think you had a choice. And that...that matters. You're not a monster, Cole. You're not like your father."

Rather abruptly, she leaned in to hug him again, sighing, "And I forgive you. I know you think you're not worth it, but you are. You are to me. And I promise, I'm going to stay with you until you can find a way to accept that."

Zero · September 24, 2018, 10:40:20 AM

The feel of her hand cupping his cheek in his dreams had felt so real, but it was nothing compared to actual reality. Her skin was so warm and soft. Cole's reaction was much the same as it had been in his dream, though. The drow felt his lungs seizing, his breath halting as he stared into her eyes, allowing the sound of her voice wash over him and through him.

He couldn't breathe, couldn't blink, all he could do was stare at her as her thumb softly smoothed over his cheek. Cole felt the blood rushing to his face, darkening his skin as he finally was able to exhale, lashes lowering halfway over his eyes as he dropped his gaze from her face.

Cole knew that he had a choice. Every single time he had done something wrong there had been a choice. The choice had been to do the bad thing even though he knew it was wrong, in so doing save his own skin - or he could have refused and died. Every time he had been too much of a selfish coward to take the second option.

"What if I never accept it?" The question was barely a whisper and he couldn't look at her. Cole still couldn't contemplate forgiveness or redemption. His guilt was still too raw and deep.

DragonSong · September 24, 2018, 10:59:43 AM

For several long moments, Zahra was quiet. The gentle creak of the wagon beneath them seemed to almost echo in her eyes.

Then, softly, she said, "Then I guess I just won't leave you. Not ever." There was a quiet steel in her voice that surprised even her, but she didn't try to take it back. She meant every word.

Because despite everything, she was a healer. This was what she did, what she truly believed she'd been born to do. And gods did Cole need healing.

Zero · September 24, 2018, 11:39:49 AM

"You shouldn't promise such things." Cole sighed softly, eyes still lowered. Maybe Zahra truly meant it, but if she would not send him away then maybe the drow needed to simply leave - once he was sure she would be safe in a new life. He didn't dare share that idea, no doubt she'd just protest and insist more about "saving" him.

For now he simply settled himself again, leaning gently into her beside him. Selfishly take the comfort while he could, and it was just one more reason to feel terrible about himself.

"You should get some more sleep. I know you pushed yourself while you were taking care of me." He hadn't deserved it, his life wasn't worth sacrificing her well-being. More reasons for guilt. Cole sighed and tried to sleep himself. He was still worn down and needed his rest in case they needed his strength later.

DragonSong · September 24, 2018, 11:51:25 AM

Zahra thought about protesting that, but she really was tired. Close to exhausted, actually. "Alright," she conceded with a nod and a small sigh. "You'll wake me if you need something though, right?"

Even as she spoke she drew back slightly, finally ending the embrace they'd remained in, and curled onto her side, her back to the side of the wagon.

Zero · September 24, 2018, 12:07:51 PM

"Yeah, of course." That's what Cole said, but he didn't intend to bother Zahra unless it was absolutely necessary. As she laid down he let her go, folding his arms across his middle as he began to doze in his sitting position. It wasn't comfortable, but he felt less vulnerable sitting up as he nodded off.

DragonSong · September 24, 2018, 12:15:40 PM

Zahra murmured something unintelligible, maybe "good night", though it was still not quite evening, and her eyes fluttered closed as she quickly drifted off.

Once again she seemed to fall into the rhythm of travel, though in the next few days at least she began to slowly worry less and less about Cole's condition-- eventually she even (finally) stopped checking his temperature every morning.

It was just over a week later when the desert truly began to change to the plains. The first morning she woke up and saw the wagon surrounded by grass, the elf was convinced she was still dreaming.

When she realized she wasn't, her breath caught in her throat and she scrambled to the edge of the wagon, leaning out as far as was reasonably manageable. "Oh my gods," she breathed, eyes wide as she gazed out over the plains. Nothing put tall grass, waving and golden-green, all the way out to the horizon.

Zero · September 24, 2018, 01:00:34 PM

Each day was mostly the same, they slept when they could, woke briefly to eat and drink, spoke softly to each other and kept to themselves. Some of the other passengers got off at their stops, but Cole hardly noticed. He got a little stronger every day, and by the time they reached the plains the wound in his side was well on its way to being just another scar among many.

Zahra woke up first that morning, but when he heard her hurrying away from where she'd been sleeping near his side it drew him out of sleep. Cole sat up and rubbed his eyes, taking a moment to notice the tall grasses swaying outside the wagon.

They had reached the Plains and nobody had appeared to come after them.

"I told you the grass was high as my chest." He remarked, grinning slightly at her reaction as he moved to join her at the edge, gazing out over the grasslands. Cole knew it must be quite the sight for someone that had spent all their life in the desert. "What do you think?"

DragonSong · September 24, 2018, 01:07:14 PM

Zahra started, skittish as ever, but she grinned up at Cole when she realized who had approached. "It's beautiful," she murmured. "Still...like the desert, almost. But with grass instead of sand."

She chuckled a but and shook her hand. "Sorry, I'm sure that sounds silly to you. I just...I've really never seen anything but the Moraki, this is just..."

She looked out over the plains again, lips curved softly. "It's amazing."