What Makes A Pirate? [Roland, Tanglemane]

[massimo scaffaldi]

Massimo and his crew walked the coastline looking for a place to bury some extra bullion from a few raids back.  He read a short poem in the local book store about a pirate, and there was mention of pirates always burying gold.  Of course, he was never one to stray from the tradition of the parts he played.  So if he was to be a pirate, then he must have buried treasure somewhere.  The rest of the crew dragged their feet and slumped over from exhaustion barely able to walk a straight line.

"Let's go boys, you call yourselves pirates!?"

The crew scowled and barked at the remark.  The few that were too tired to object were reduced to a low pitched groan.

"Captain, we've been marchin' for two days and nights.  Why can't we just stow the loot in a nearby cave or something?  This is madness."

Massimo whipped around and laughed at their complaints.

"I'm not even the least bit tired, perhaps you dogs would do better to not slack off so much.  Work's good for the body and spirit mates, and it makes work in the future that much easier."

They hadn't the strength for another objection, they simply stepped as lively as they could trying to keep up with the captain.  A few moments later, Massimo pointed his finger into the air.

"Dragon!!"

A fearsome dragon swooped down from the clouds and breathed an arc of fire over the crew's heads.  The crew however, remained unphased.

"We're not falling for it captain, you've done this one already."

"Aye, you've been at it for hours."

The dragon dissipated and Massimo returned to marching toward the row of seaside cliffs.

"Fine, just trying to spice up your day.  Want a boring walk as well as a long one, fine by me."

Massimo suddenly remembered something and dug around in his coat pocket.  He took out a fancy officer's knife and held it out to Roland.

"Found that with the loot, doesn't look like it has seen much combat.  You want it before it gets buried with the rest?"

[sophos]

Roland handed the chest o' gold and treasures to a couple sailors behind him, both of which groaned at the burden, and then took the knife in his hand.

It was almost new, sharp and clean, and not at all something that had been exposed to the salty sea's air for long. Roland found it hard to believe that it came from one of their recent raids.

Perhaps this is a gift? He thought, and then played with the idea of shaking his head and throwing it into the chest. But Roland was not one capable of delivering such jokes, and would rather have a nice knife than satisfy a curiosity; one about his Captain, even less.

Roland nodded and walked to a nearby tree. It was as much an excuse to give the crew a break than anything, and everyone discontinued their trek as he tested the knife's edge on the tree's trunk. Slowly, methodically, and purposefully he carved an unusual shape; a minimalistic, surreal representation of a particular sea creature that only sailors of their particular experiences would recognize.

[massimo scaffaldi]

Massimo sighed as Roland started whittling the tree.  He was obviously stalling time for the crew to rest.  It was certainly time for a break anyway, he simply didn't want anyone to know he was tired as well.  Showing any sort of weakness in the face of your crew was a sure way to give them cause for rebellion.  But they had plenty of evidence to the contrary by now.

"Alright boys, You can thank Mate Bentoncourt for a twenty minute break."

The crew simultaneously collapsed at those words and huddled together to get in as much rest as possible in their precious few moments.  A number of them nodded toward Roland and panted a few strained breathes, not quite able to put gratitude into words.

"Stay vigilant, no telling what manner of creature could be lurking nearby."

The crew groaned predicting another one of their captain's illusionary practical jokes.

[fancycat]

   "Eeeks!..."  Tanglemane ducked quickly back into her cliffside cave.  She'd been peacefully sunning her underside on the landing ledge as she idled away the morning.  Slowly she crept back to peer from the darker depths of the cave.  For a moment, she was sure she'd seen a dragon swooping towards the beach!

    The sphinx paced on her ledge.  Where DID that dragon go?  "Just another hallucination."  She giggled softly.  Happens all the time to sphinxes, the hallucinations.  But, now the beach had her attention.  Bipeds...  toiling across the sand.  She crouched, paws draping over the edge of the ledge as she watched them in the distance.  "Oh humans.  Why do you toil.  Why do you trouble?  Why do you make work and all that hrrrRRrrubble?"  Her tail flipped and wiggled.  Sailors they looked to be.  And sailors came in two flavors: Uselessly broke and a pocket full of coin.  Some were staggering she could see, but she didn't realize it was exhaustion.  "They're drunk.  Grrr.  Hiss."

   As they nested down to rest she contemplated what to do.  There were too any of them for her to assault.  She could see their cutlasses and knives.  Being aggressive would be too dangerous.  She rolled over onto her back and spread her wings over the stone as she watched them upside down.  A box.  What is in the box?  It could be almost anything!  But, maybe it is gold.  Thinking of such made her belly rumble.  The more she thought about it, the hungrier she got.  The box, it is full of gold!  She was positive now, her mind a slave to the power of wishful thinking.

    Tanglemane's eyes narrowed, and she laid her ears back as she formed her plan.  She crouched, then leaped from the ledge, her wings spreading to catch the updraft as she took flight.  Swish!  Swoop.  Down she spiraled to land on all fours in the soft sand twenty yards from the humans.  Slowly she prowled towards them while doing her best to not look menacing.

    "Nice one, captain.  At least that one has tits." said a random swabby, thinking the sphinx an illusion.  "Reminds me Ah need to get me some grog'n'wenching time in the next port."

     Tanglemane prowled right to within pouncing distance of the pirates.  She was perplexed now by their peculiar reaction.  And they just lay there!  Maybe...  Maybe she should just attack, starting with Groggy.  Her tail started to sway as she contemplated such.  No.  She would never get her way doing that.  She would stick to the plan. 

   Tanglemane spread her wings and ruffled her feathers, then said solemnly, "Beware of Aurizachottle.  You're almost upon him."

[massimo scaffaldi]

Massimo stood confused for a moment, trying to remember when he created the sphinx before him.  Arzichuckle, what is that?  Massimo couldn't place the name, it certainly was not of his creation.  He finally came to the realization that the creature before him was reality.

"Oh, lookie there Roland.  That appears to be a sphinx.  Do you remember if they're violent or not?"

He pondered a moment longer trying to remember any useful information regarding his situation.  Promptly followed by his traditional defensive instinct kicking in.

"Holy Carp Roland, it's a sphinx!"

The crew scurried to their feet hearing the shock in their captain's voice.  Tripping over each other, they made a defensive stance around the loot and waited for combat.

"Mind grounding it for me?  I seem to have left my anti-sphinx mallet on the ship."

[sophos]

Roland couldn't remember much about Sphinxes, or even if that was the correct pluralization. They simply weren't on his long list of creatures encountered at sea.

Roland simply shrugged at Massimo's request. She isn't hostile at the moment. He thought, and the thought helped justify his apathy.

Roland renewed his grip on the officer's knife and kept his eyes trained on the Sphinx, but did nothing else.

[massimo scaffaldi]

Massimo's expression went blank as Roland shrugged off his request for assistance.  Obviously he didn't know anything about combating a sphinx either.  Though that was a poor excuse for not assisting with the situation.

"We're just rolling in teamwork and brotherhood today aren't we.  No matter, I'll just handle it myself."

He lept within punching distance and thrust out his open hand with the vigor of the god of vigor.

"Hello there, Mister Flynn at your service.  Did you say your name was Aurizachottle?"

[fancycat]

   Tanglemane tipped her head in confusion at these perplexing humans.  They were so much more predictable when all alone.  What a pity it hadn't been just a single one of them dragging that enticing box down the beach.  She decided best to back up a bit as they started to mill about, though there was a soft giggle from her when they called out her species.  She tried to make it not sound like a growl.

   Massimo's advance was just a bit too abrupt for the sphinx and her wings spread defensively.  "Hiss!"  But, then realizing his hand was empty she settled back down.  "No no.  My name is Tanglemane.  Aurizachottle is that way."  She pointed her right wing towards the cliff where she'd come from.  "Its name means DEVOUR in the language of...  of..."  Her ears tipped back as she realized she didn't know what language it was.  Slowly she leaned back and eyed the offered hand.  What did the hand want?  She sniffed it cautiously to see if it smelled like human since this peculiar one seemed a bit different.

   Deciding she was safe enough she sat back on her haunches and said confidently, "That's what the name means.  And that is what it will do.  I have come to warn you as I'm a kindly sphinx, full of benevolence and hospitality."  She smiled sweetly, but unfortunately that just made the fangs peek out from her otherwise human mouth.

   Sensing skepticism from the humans she slowly blinked her huge feline eyes, "Come a bit further if you do not believe me.  You will see."  Perhaps she isn't lying.  At the base of that cliff are some caves which the waves have eroded.  Most are partially submerged, but not all.  Do monsters like caves?  Do ducks like water?!

   The sphinx turned and took a few steps towards the caves, looking over her shoulder after five paces to see if the men would follow.

[massimo scaffaldi]

Massimo cursed himself for not realizing that the creature would know nothing of a handshake, and the fact that she had no hand to shake.  He should have just touched her nose when she went to sniff it.  No matter, I'll just play along and bide my time.  Massimo knew a really bad scheme when he heard one, either way this creature meant him some kind of ill will.  Be it physical harm or wanting something in his possession, he would turn the tables with ease.  If there was nothing in the cave, he could certainly fill that vacancy with something equally as terrifying.

"Devour huh?  Well it just sounds like it's hungry, nothing malicious there.  Might be worth a look."

He fondled his wounded hand as he walked over to join the strange creature for a leisurely stroll into the maw of certain doom.  For whom, has yet to be seen.  After reaching an uncomfortable distance, Massimo turned to Roland with a curious grin. 

"You can come too or stay if you want Roland.  Just have the men dig in here next to this tree that you so beautifully branded.  I'm sure it will be easy to find on my way back."

With that, he turned back to Tanglemane and gestured for them to continue.

"Now then, tell me more about this devouring creature if you would."

Roland turned to the crew then slapped his chest twice and pointed his thumb to the ground.  The crew nodded in response and scrambled for their shovels as Roland ran to catch up with Massimo.

[fancycat]

   Tanglemane prowled closer to the cliff.  Now, just a couple hundred yards from it, the caves were more easily seen.  Squat, dark and foreboding, none were very tall.  Then she stopped and parked her bottom in the sand.  Up came a paw and she clumsily pointed those toes forward like a human would do.  "Behold!  Your doom awaits.  To go much further will lure Aurizachottle out."

    Tanglemane looked sideways at the two humans.  Perhaps if she were quick she could swat one down with a wing while subduing the other.  Her tail wiggled with subtle temptation.  But no.  She didn't want to kill them, and the other men would surely come to their aid.  Everything would escalate until someone was injured, and no party would benefit from that.  She gazed towards the cliffs mournfully.  Always outnumbered!  It just wasn't fair.  (The wise would know she was blind to that double standard of fairness when she leaped upon solitary travelers to riddle and rob them.)

   "Will you really go look?  As your kindly mystical advisor, I gently suggest not.  At best, you'll flee when the creature emerges to devour."  Now then, this wicked creature might not be lying.  Look there!  Something shiny in the sand.  A belt buckle.  But no belt.  And there.  A broken sword, but no scabbard.  And there!  A broken bottle.

   "If you die, can I have your stuff?"  She gazed at Roland as she asked such a serious thing in such an innocent casual way.

[sophos]

Roland down at his old coat, belt, and trousers; he didn't even have shoes or a shirt. The most expensive item on him was likely the officer's knife. The his thoughts drifted over the gold.

Roland had little idea what this creature wanted, nor did he care. But he certainly didn't like being played with by anyone he didn't owe anything.

Roland slid the knife into his belt and scratched his bearded chin a moment, swimming in his thoughts. This reminds me of a poem...

Roland snorted lightly and clasped his apish hands together at shoulder height. With a snap, he tore his right hand from the left's grip and then patted himself in the neck. He cupped his hands over each ear and stomped a foot three times before making a claw with one hand and snipping at the air.

Let's see what she makes of that. Roland thought. Maybe it'll give Massimo an idea as well.

[fancycat]

   Tanglemane immediately jumped back a pace as Roland fist thumped like that.  It doesn't show, but she's been punched a time or two over her banditry years and has a sense to be wary.  She peered at him as he continued his performance.  *squint*  She looked sideways at Massimo.  "RrrRRrr?"  Then, "Is he trying to cast a spell?  He is doing it wrong I think."  Her tail lashed.  Why must these humans be so unpredictable!  But, that was part of their appeal.

[massimo scaffaldi]

Massimo watched Roland intently, then broke away to make his case against the lunacy that was this creature's scheme.  Certainly she could do better, but perhaps she is merely inexperienced.

"Alright my dear, I am definitely not the one to chastise a person trying to scam another out of their possessions.  But this is simply terrible, I mean I only walked over here because I was curious where this would lead."

Massimo shook his head in an effort to reduce the headache this situation has afflicted him with.  What to do, I can simply ask her to serve as payment or something.  I'm sure there are plenty of things she's good at, and could likely be much more successful with her subterfuge with some direction.  Worth a try I suppose.  He walked over and sat on the most comfortable looking rock he could find beside her.

"I have plenty of "stuff", more than I know what to do with.  If you were to devote a little of your time to helping me, I would be willing to share a suitable portion of my stuff with you.  No need for deceit or leaving anything to chance, just you do something and get something for it."

He reclined a bit and looked at the sea, all clear save a patch of fog slowly working its way along the horizon.  They were in no danger, even one of their smaller weapons could reach the shore with ease.

"Surely that is an easier solution to your lack of stuff dilemma, yes?  I would actually be more than honored to have such a majestic creature among our ranks.  Of course, I still don't fully understand exactly what it is you hope to obtain.  We most likely will have it, but would you mind sharing that information with me?"

[fancycat]

   Humans, thought Tanglemane, Always so suspicious.  She just turned her gaze up at the speaking one and listened patiently.  "But...  Monster..."  But the human was speaking again.  She furrowed her brow with some degree of perplexity as he tried to negotiate.  "I...  Yes...  But..."  Still, he was being polite in calling her a majestic creature.  Still, his disbelief just had to be dealt with.

   So, the sphinx turned away and broke into a trot.  Closer and closer to the cliff she came and she slowed to a cautious walk.  Then, quite suddenly, *sproing!*.  Up she jumped, straight into the air, wings spreading and then sweeping.  From the caves emerged not one, but four gigantic crabs, claws waving as they rushed forward to make a snack of her.  Back the sphinx fluttered and just flew away, circling back towards the humans.  One pass overhead and then she dropping back down to the ground  and skidding into a trot on the sand.  Soon she was in front of the humans again and she turned and pointed with the paw at the four crabs, each the size of a hay wagon and rather well armored in those shells.  Fortunately, the crabs were also rather poor of sight.

   "That is him.  Clack clack omnomnom.  He would eat you up, and then alas for what is in the box."  She looked towards the chest and her tail swished with her excessive curiosity.  Hmm.  But she turned her attention back to the man to answer his most poignant question.  "I like gold.  Perhaps the warning is worth a bit?  Kindly sphinxes are rare!"  Or, unheard of by some reports.  She edged closer, sniffing.  She can smell gold and silver as well as a raccoon can smell garbage.  She put a paw on the rock he was sitting on and said solemnly, "I don't need stuff, I don't think.  I have no thumbs to use them.  But a bit of gold.  It is good for me."  Her tail swished then, "Are you burying that box?  It is full of gold?  If you don't want it, I'll take it.  Don't bury it!  Why are you doing such a thing?"

[sophos]

Roland's brow grew heavier towards the center as he drew the officer's knife and then his hand axe.

Roland lurched towards a giant crab and, with a burst of speed, became a tan blur that kicked sheets of sand to either side and then arced high into the air. He came down onto a crab with both feet, audibly cracking its carapace, and then brought the knife down with equal force.

Using the knife as a hand hold, Roland began hacking at the crustacean's seams with his axe.

[massimo scaffaldi]

All Massimo could think when he saw the giant crabs emerge from the cave was Crab Sandwich.  Thousands of rare giant crab sandwiches being sold to the local populace.  All the trade and income made him salivate with ill intent. 

"You will have your gold Tanglemane, and my apologies once I can think straight."

He lept into close proximity to one of the crabs and mocked their terrible sense of direction.

"Look Roland, it's like spearing dead fish in a barrel."

The crab whipped around and snipped through Massimo's leg, which caused him to fall on his face with a wet sandy thud.

"Ow, whatever, I hated that leg anyway.  Let's see how you like living the remainder of your short life as the custodian of this god forsaken beach!"

He gripped the crab's leg and bombarded it with all the intricate knowledge of what it is to be a custodian.  Years of experience with manual labor, and an unyielding drive to clean that can not remain clean for more than a few minutes.  The crab's arms hung low as it submitted to the fate that was etched into it's mind.  Following the success, Massimo conjured up the crab a large bag to fill with the ton of useless junk littering the beach.

"Now clean this beach you idio-oh woah wait a second!"

The crab picked Massimo up and began to stuff him into the garbage bag.  He hung on to the pincer with all he could muster, trying to keep at least his head out.

"Help Roland, I taught this friggin' crab how to put me in a bag!"

[fancycat]

   Tanglemane gasped in shock.  The humans!  They're crazy!  And, an axe?  Well, that is surprisingly effective against a giant crab.  The big sphinx started to pace back and forth, tacking closer and closer to the battle as she did the nervous walk.  Back went her ears as she pondered the wisdom of destroying the crabs.  They WERE kind of handy at keeping pesky knowledge seekers from coming to visit to ask her their fate.

   "You can't eat them!  They're all hard.  And stuff."  Her ears splayed and she trotted forward to observe more closely.  "Humannnnns!"  But then one of the crabs noticed the flurry of feathers and skittered her direction making her spring into the air again where she hovered out of reach with spread wings.  "Watch out.  Baby by your boot."

[sophos]

The giant crab's carapace was proportionally thick, and Roland made slow work of chopping it between the tasks of dodging pincers and simply remaining balanced.

Roland sheathed his weapons and desperately dug his hulking hands, like spades, into the fissures he had chopped into the carapace. Roland pulled back, pushing with his legs, until-- with a crackling snap like tearing papyrus-- he tore a section of chitin from crab's back and sent himself soaring.

Roland rolled about on the sand a few times and then rose to his feet like a stiff drunk, tossing aside the door-sized piece of chitin. He drew his new knife again when he heard Massimo's plea.

Roland turned with slight bewilderment-- it wasn't the strangest thing he had heard Massimo say-- and his brow and mouth twisted with ire at the sight.

Massimo being stuffed into sack of his own imagination.

A man with a voice a far more patience could point out some truly poetic irony at this moment. It was the only thought in Roland's mind without any sort of expletive.

Roland couldn't help but burst to the glamoured crab's side and stand motionless, glaring at Massimo struggle through a false barrier of cloth weaved by a madman. With a swipe of a knife, Roland cut through the sack like the thin air it was.

[massimo scaffaldi]

The bag dissipated as the knife sliced through, also removing the shroud from the scene around them.  Massimo was standing beside Roland who had his hand gripped firmly in his own.  The dutiful crab was left impaled on a sharp spire of rock which was cleanly cut from the precipice above while everyone was distracted by Massimo's insane ruse.  Roland turned to him with a rather displeased look on his face.

"You seriously fell for that one again?  An attentive man is a living man Roland.  Don't take your eyes off the prize, and especially not your closest allies."

Snatching his hand away, he strolled over towards their agitated new friend.  The fog bank was nearly to shore, and they would profit from this day one way or another.

It's never a bad idea to keep your men on their toes.  Even the most simple task has an overwhelming number of variables that could turn into a fatal pitfall.  Someone has to remind them.

"Is something wrong Tanglemane?  I assure you that nobody is in any danger."

[fancycat]

   Tanglemane replied somewhat mournfully, "You killed him."  Both of him apparently.  Her tail flipped about as she considered the ramifications.  Adventurers might now try scaling the cliff to her nest.  How inconvenient.  But, then again, no good monster can resist such a perfect coastal cave.  She could only wonder who her new neighbor would be and immediately she perked up with more cheer.
    "Well, I suppose it is good that they're no longer a menace.  But now, who will clean the beach?"  She sat back on her rump and considered with some perplexity.  It certainly wasn't going to be her.  She had no thumbs.  Maybe it was time for a riddle then.
    "Humans, tell me this.  I live in this world and to lack me is tragic, I break all the rules because I am ..."  She lifted a paw, licked it and rubbed her ear and eyes Massimo expectantly.  Then she whispered, "Bonus points if that one..."  A whole paw pointed at Roland, "Speaks the answer."