"Things have really changed, haven't they?" Niamh murmered, watching the drow. An older one would have revolted her, but she had to admit that this young one was kind of cute. Man...it suddenly felt like she'd been away even longer than she had, and she felt a little homesick pang at the thought. She shoved it back, however, and looked back to Speaker. "He does...go well with the furnishings," she answered awkwardly, not quite sure what else to say. The drow trend was still too new to her and she hadn't quite accepted it yet.
His next words made her nearly wilt in relief, but she managed to keep her back straight and exhaled instead. She knew all too well what the alternative was. "Thank you," she said in a near whisper before she steadied her voice. "And thank Breathes the Fire for me, please? If I'm unable to do so myself. I'd like to do that, though, sometime. If it's at all possible." That was a load off her shoulders, and she was eternally grateful for that. She didn't really deserve it.
And then, it was straight to the heart of the matter. The difficult stuff she'd been dreading. Niamh was quiet a few moments after he asked the question, trying to organize all her jumbled thoughts and the doubts of over seven months into words. Brief words at that, because he only needed to know what was important, what wouldn't get her executed, and she didn't want to talk his ear off or bore him too much.
Of course, the moment she started talking her thoughts were all over the place yet again.
"I..." She paused, absently tracing designs in the glass's condensation. Light give her the strength to say it, because she knew she was going to feel both awful and relieved when she finally got it out into the open. "I came back because...because I miss it." She was staring at the water as she spoke, but realizing he might think she was lying she looked up and met his eyes directly, not hiding anything. "Solis. The Lumenari. Mother Sun. Everything. If you want to know the truth, I never left because I wanted to. I don't expect you to believe me because I know it sounds really lame, but I was kidnapped. Twice. By the same person. And then after everything that happened during all that, I didn't think I could go back..."
Niamh took a deep and quick sip of water, wetting her dry mouth. It was so weird. She hadn't thought too much about this all before--oh she had, a lot, but she tended to push the thoughts back out of fear every time they started--but she was starting to finally see things clearly. It felt like she was coming out of a haze, a haze she'd been living in for seven months at least. Pent up thoughts, pent up doubts, truths she'd been lying to herself about. She rubbed her right temple and steeled herself. She'd never be able to tell this to anyone else, but his status as priest made her immedietely trust him.
"Ah, it's complicated, but the person that took me tried to break me. He has a big problem with religions and...he tried to prove ours fake. I actually started to believe him. I did believe him. Stuff he said made sense and I was scared. I didn't think I'd ever get away. I felt distant from our Mother, I felt like I'd left Her and betrayed Her and that I was weak, I didn't feel like I deserved to come back and so I never tried to. I had my chance and I passed it up; I ran like a coward instead. It's a long and weird story but I became friends with, ah, the person that did all that...and...it's made things more complicated I guess. It doesn't make sense. It makes even less sense when I say it out loud..." she said, blinking.
All that time she'd just sort of accepted it and gone with it because it felt right. Spoken out loud it sounded bloody twisted and made no sense. She tried to make sense of it. "He proved not all that bad or anything. He apologized and..." It kept sounding worse, and she grew even more confused and frustrated. "We're friends." Still sounded bad. She decided not to mention that they'd kissed. Her stomach twisted itself into a knot, all the doubt that had been gradually accumilating along her journey here settling there like lead, and she started to wonder what the hell was wrong with her.
She sounded like a complete idiot. Taken, tortured, faith broken, and then becoming friends and almost lovers with her captor. In the heat of it all, it just...it just was. But now that she had distance and perspective, she didn't know what to think except that maybe she really was a moron.
"So...I just...kept away. But when I got your invitation, it made me start thinking again. It made some questions and doubts sorta come up, it made me realize how much I miss everything. Solis. Solisi. Mother Sun. I've been living among the heathens for a while, but...I don't know." Niamh trailed off, shoulders hunching and head lowering. "I don't know if I can do it, even though I think I've made myself believe I could. I don't know what I'm doing. I've sunk low, and I don't know how to stop or what's wrong with me. And I know I can't ask to go back--I don't expect to be accepted, and that's fine; it wouldn't be fair, anyway, and Breather's done so much already--but I don't know if I can do what I'm doing now, either...whatever that is. I guess I just...need help. Or maybe I've just gone crazy. I don't know."
Niamh had the distinct impression that she wasn't making a lick of sense, and her heart ached even as she said the words. She loved Nexus. She did. But now...she didn't know if she could or if it was right or even sane. She didn't know if she could exist without her people. And part of her was starting to doubt if it was even real or if she'd just fallen for him because of the stress of her kidnapping, as a sort of coping mechanism that had just never gone away. And Solis. The Solisi. Her home, her people, her Goddess. She still loved them, she still believed. She couldn't leave it, and the longer she was away the more deeply she felt it, a growing ache like a large part of her had been ripped away.
Her thoughts spun, and she swallowed hard and wiped at the corner of her right eye. Be strong. She wasn't doing anything wrong here. She was being honest, and only lies could truly hurt, right?