"I forget. And I am unused to it. Spoiled brat and all that. I'm used to mind games and verbal chess games so I'm hesitant with what I say, what I share and have to think everything through before I allow myself the vulnerability. I try to be better than it. I try to be more communicative and clear to counter it. I try not to let things fester because I know firsthand how things explode. But, with you I don't know the insults I cause only see the aftermath. I feel like I just keep failing you because you're always tensed for a fight and I'm always ducking to avoid one."

He stopped his touching with how Fletcher started to look more concerned and bothered by it and instead rested his hands at his sides. "I'm sorry. You didn't want to have this conversation right now."

Theo rubbed his fingers against Fletcher's lips before shifting to pull the other man into his lap and begin finger combing his hair again. "Your yes now is allowed to be a no later. I am not the only one that needing consent from applies to."

He gently massaged the creases in his brow to help soothe Fletcher's features. The action also helped to delay and gather his thoughts before he was able to answer.

"I keep upsetting you when I'm not trying to cause conflict at all. I'm just bumbling through things when I'm not even trying to make things complicated."

He sighed and sat up, reaching for Fletcher but stopping at the last minute. "May I touch?

"I don't think we're fighting. Or I definitely don't want to be. I just...I don't know what I keep doing wrong. I'm not trying to be problematic. And yes obviously we will have this conversation tomorrow or later. But I want simple too. I hope you know that."

He collapsed into bed with him but leaned up on his elbow so to be on more equal lounging. "It's not like that at all to me, Jack. I don't consider it a chore or a way to keep you here or even as a means to apologize or manipulate you. I offered because I do want it. But I understand we're not in the best of moods currently either of us. Now's not the right time."

Theo slid one hand across the bed closer to Fletcher without touching. He craved the contact but felt like he was doing everything wrong. Everything was setting his anxiety on edge and none of it would be any semblance of better until they had a chance to talk. 

"I know you've been drinking—which is fine—but are you feeling able to talk about things right now? Or should we wait until you're less tipsy? Either is perfectly alright and I know this is not optimal timing especially when you wanted to talk earlier and I wasn't comfortable doing so at the time."

Theo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Come sit down and I'll hold you and we can talk some. How does that sound?"

He pressed his forehead against Fletcher's for a moment before offering a hand out to him to take as he took a step back towards the bed. "Thank you for being considerate of me. I just want...to take care of and nurture you back. You always seem to be the one stuck drying my tears. Sorry."

His hand fell limply to his side at what he first thought was rejection but then Fletcher was tearing his shirt aside and the man was left deeply confused. He furrowed his brow and shook his head quickly, his own hands coming up to rest on his lover's chest. 

"Jack, no. It's okay. I don't need you to prove your word. It's a bit much to need to smell a woman on you or rifle through your things don't you think? You said you haven't and I believe you. And again...it's alright if you do. I get it. But that being said...would you like some attention, my heart? Get your nobleman on his knees for you?"

He attempted to slip his hand into Fletcher's and interlock their fingers. "I told you, I missed you." Theo swallowed thickly, his smile wobbling some with anxiety. "I can go if you want. I just noticed you come home and wanted to greet you. If you're tired or not in the mood, that's okay. Just glad you're safely back."

The door opened for him and Theo got up to lock down his room and draw the curtains before entering. With Fletcher washing his face he was unsure with how upset the man still was with him but decided to be a bit brave. He stepped up close and gave him a gentle hug from behind. 

"I missed you," he said truthfully. "Did you have a good time?"

He'd heard the guard shift change and Fletcher leave. But as dusk became evening became night, Theo found himself quietly staying up by the fire waiting to feel the man's return. He wondered briefly if this was how it would always be; them stinging against each other, Fletcher running off to drink and white because Theo had said he was fine with it, and Theo waiting up all night to know he got home safely.

His eyes were aching by the time his bodyguard returned though from straining to read by the fire. A drawer opened and closed. Footsteps across the floor. A floorboard sagged underfoot.

For several moments he held his breath unsure of what to do. Should he get up and knock? Should he just go to bed since he hadn't come for him? Would he be seen as a needy or jealous lover if he did? Or uncaring and petty if he didn't?

"Jack?" He called ever so softly, hoping that the hearing every sound possible hadn't been so entirely true while also hoping the other man would respond back. "Is it too late to bother you?"

Theo wanted to stay. The cold and damp wasn't ideal for health but it wasn't the stifling misery of indoors either. Back inside he'd be trapped with their unsaid words and his anxiety. Fletcher did not seem any less bothered than when they had first left to come out here. In fact he looked worse.

Still Theo got to his feet without complaint. The other man couldn't go in without him and with how he had been coughing, the nobleman wasn't keen on testing to see whether or not he really was sick or soon would be.

"Yeah," he sighed, following Fletcher back into the house before heading up to his own room. He should have just stayed in bed. There were ample opportunities for him to do so and each time he left it, things got worse. Maybe he should just stay in bed forever. Or perhaps it was the bed that was the issue and he should never return to its warm comfort.

Instead though he opened his balcony doors and went back out into the cold. Soon they would be locked entirely until spring to keep the heat from escaping but for now he'd seek refuge here. The was caught it would be hell to pay but honestly, Theo was very far past caring anymore what his mother wanted or thought. He was just so tired. 

"I know it is. It's okay. Just...this is a conversation we will be having in the future. I'm not fulfilling your needs right now and I understand that. Yours may come to light again before I'm ready and it'll be what it'll be. I rather you be happy and comfortable than resenting me for needing time," he commented with a causal shrug.

"We'll figure it out just...I don't really want to have this conversation outside where we can be overheard if that's alright. I do want to have it though. I'm not shutting you down, you understand that right?"

"Invite them for Yule dinner," he snorted, rubbing his face. "We'll think of something. We have some time still before the trap is sprung. And we may miraculously even be lucky. He may do his job and be done with it all."

Fletcher's teasing didn't have the intended effect however. The nobleman's shoulders dropped further and a sad expression flitted across his features before he was able to catch and quell it.

"There are other pleasure houses. And people who don't belong to a house. And people who aren't even in the business of pleasure. I'm sure if it came to it you'd still have plenty of options to suit your moods."

His reply was logical and calm but Theo could not meet his lover's eyes. It made him feel low knowing that he was unable to provide everything that Fletcher needed of him. But what concerned him further was the fact that as a wholly inexperienced lover himself, he may end up putting the man off intimacy with Theo entirely once they ever reached the point of laying fully with each other. They would cross that bridge when they got to it and with everything else going on, Theo didn't feel able to express such concerns. There were far more pressing matters to deal with than his current lack of sex life. 

"Aye I imagine it all gets quite stagnant with the house being shut up for the winter. I'm sorry you're struggling with it. The healer in town might have a tonic that can help. I know he prescribes me one when the spring flowers first arrive and wreak havoc on my senses."

Theo did not answer until he was sat upon their bench with his back resting against the tree. The air was frigid but it helped to wake him up some and he turned his mind back to the topic at hand. Thoughts of Fletcher without apparel and stolen kisses could wait for their return indoors.

"I think talking at the Siren would be a good start. If it requires coin I will cover it. Find out if he has friends and connections as well. Do they keep client lists? Could you procure them if they did? Our blackmail may not be so much him as his wealthy clients who have been promised discretion."

He wobbled on his feet some looking drained but relieved. Gently he moved closer and embraced Fletcher again. "Promise to keep yourself. Promise to always return. I will not consider it leaving me otherwise. You're equally stuck with me I'm afraid."

Theo pulled back enough so he could kiss the other man tenderly. "Let's get you that walk and smoke  before that list of kisses is fully explored. I know you're likely practically rabid for one by now."

"I believe you." Theo stepped back into him and pulled him close. "I believe you and I trust you. We will do this and we will do it together. Just...don't be reckless. And in turn I'll be more mindful in my interactions with her. We have each other right? Neither of us are alone to do this without the other anymore. I'm here to help support you and you're here to help me figure out what you can help with."

He gave him another squeeze and rubbed his arms. "And I hope it never comes to it but...I'm glad there's somewhere safe for you."

Theo gave a slight side eye of mischief though. "They may night kiss your behind though. That's my privilege and I'm not sharing it."

He sighed tiredly and allowed Fletcher to step away from him, his hands dropping to his sides. When he spoke it was with complete calmness filled with traces "And I'm asking you not to do it for me. I'm saying that it makes me feel worse than if you had cheated willingly. I mean, would you be alright if I slept with Edwina and said it was for your sake? That I wanted nothing to do with it but it was the fastest way I could protect you? That my heart belongs to you but I haven't body freely for your sake to another?

"It doesn't feel good to me. Not for that matter does outing you and putting you at that risk. This house is dangerous enough as it is. One wrong word and my father will see you gone and your life made hell. I will not survive it Jack. I will not survive you being driven apart from me. That is how deeply I care for you. Is it truly so awful of me to feel jealous and afraid for you over such a thing?"

He shook the other man slightly with a frown. "Why do you get to say you are undeserving but I don't? Why don't get to yourself down and I'm not? Do not speak poorly of my beloved. You hurt my heart when you do."

His hands slid down to take Fletcher's and hold them close. "I do get it. I think I've just spent so much time burying myself that I accept even these closeted moments without question or trying to long for more. But I do long for more. And I do understand how you feel...it is how I feel about...about you gathering information from Neal using certain...methods."

Theo looked back at him horrified, dropping his hands to the other man's shoulders. "Of course not," he replied in complete shock and incredulity.

"You learned to sign for me. I did not ask you to. We were not already as we are. You did it simply because it was part of my life and it is important to me.

"She meanwhile had to be asked. She does it for show and clout to put on a performance for her poor, deaf fiancé. She cannot even be bothered to learn or improve on her own. She makes the same basic mistakes and uses every opportunity to turn it to her advantage.

"Of course it's upsetting to you. All you've done and I go and teach a woman who hates me and flirts...flirts in the same room as me as if I have not eyes instead of ears. And I didn't even consider how it must feel for you."

His brow furrowed and he bit his own lip anxiously. "Do I truly come off as the type to be so cruel to you? Do I condescend and patronize you like my father?" He asked not accusingly but in deep fear and concern of the answer. "Am I him?"

He hung his head some in shame but nodded at Fletcher's words. He was right. He needed to be better. He needed to trust. Out of everyone Fletcher had never betrayed him, had never done him wrong, and had always advocated for him. If anyone was going to stay, believe in him, maybe even love him, it would be Fletcher.

His expression softened further and unconsciously he reached up to cup Fletcher's cheeks. "Oh my heart you're right and I didn't consider. I won't teach her further. She's terrible anyway so our conversations are not at risk but I can see how our special thing could be irritating to watch for you. I too was left feeling uncomfortable watching the two of them or having to touch her in ways I only want to touch you. Can you forgive me for my thoughtlessness?"

He nodded in understanding and carefully stepped in closer to wrap his arms around Fletcher and nuzzle against the side of his head. Something still felt off. Was it because of what had been overheard? Theo sighed and squeezed a bit tighter. 

"I had no idea, I'm sorry. I just was thinking out loud. Everything is silent to my ears but sometimes my head gets too loud. I'm sorry I let my anxieties and worries get out to you before I was ready to discuss them properly with you. It has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. Just...I know something is bothering you and I don't know maybe it's just because you're tired or too much time posturing but...I was just trying to sort out my own stuff before dumping it all on you. Give you some space. Give me some space so I'm not just this neurotic Pretty Boy."

Theo pulled back enough to look at Fletcher proper. "As for you, you're clever, kind, gentle, have your own wicked and bawdy sense of humor, have the most heartbreakingly beautiful smile, and you out of everyone in the whole world make me feel like I'm—" he choked up and had to take a moment to try and blink away tears. "Like I could maybe be enough. Like I'm not a broken discard. Like when you say you aren't going anywhere, you out of everyone will actually keep to your word and stay because you said you would."