Coping With Loss...Again... (Lion)

[Anonymous]

"I'm not sure I do, but I hope so. You mean that you'd miss me, right?" she asked.

Unless he meant that he might be falling for her, she had no idea what else he could mean. But he'd just told her that he'd only gotten to be married for two years. That wasn't much time, and it wasn't fair of her to think that he'd had enough time to mourn that. It was only that she wanted to be loved so much, even a little. Everyone she'd loved before was gone and she would never see them again.

"Unless you mean something else... and that's what I'm afraid to bring up. The something else. But never mind that."

[Lion]

The intricacies of Willem's mind were little understood by anyone, only himself.  Perhaps it was that trait that he refused to divulge the cause of his internal grief for the year past; he felt that no one would understand, not even his closest friends.  There was no love in his life now and despite his growing admiration for Celine, he was cautious as to whether or not he could trust himself to love her, to care for her.  Maybe there was a light somewhere in his forest of hurt.  Perhaps it was closer than he thought.

"Something like that, yes."  He nodded and braced her warm hand against his, holding it like a small beautiful bird that was about to fly away.  It held a pleasant weight against his own larger, sea worn ones.  His own brown hands were callused in the right places but were gentle despite their appearance.  It seemed nothing was as it seemed before.

He looked up at her and asked in a curious tone, "What did you want to say?  Something to tell me?"

[Anonymous]

"Yes." He looked so innocent to her in that moment that it hurt Celine to want to tell him. His hands were so gentle as they covered her smaller one, as if it were the most delicate thing in the world, ever. She wanted it to never end, but she knew it wasn't fair of her to love him when he had lost his first love. He and Amelina had had so little time together.

"It's just that...everyone I have loved before is gone. My family and my other love, the one who found me on the shore are gone from my life forever. I will never see them again, and the knowledge hurts me. And yet...I thought maybe there was a little hope when I met you. I thought maybe I could be loved again. I think... forgive me, but I think I could not be faulted for wanting it, after losing my entire family.
 
But now, after hearing about your wife, I see that you are still in love with her. You had so little time together. It is completely understandable that you still love her.  I don't think it is fair of me to want to love you, and I'm ashamed of myself for intruding on your grief. I'm sorry that I think I might love you and I shouldn't."

Celine couldn't bear to see his reaction, so she closed her eyes, but she had to go on. She had to tell him why she felt this way.

"You remind me a great deal of my brother Leon, although your hair is a different color. You're the same age, I would guess, as he was when he died. He was 24. And although your passions are different- his was woodworking, like my father- the exuberance and skill is the same. I look at you, Willem, and I think, how could someone still have passion for anything after their world has crumbled? But now that I really allow myself to remember, Leon was the same way. Whenever he was sad or angry, he would go to the furniture shop with my father, just the way you turn to the sea. We often gravitate toward our passions when we're upset, don't we? But just because you remind me of my brother doesn't mean I think I love you like a brother... if you get my meaning. There are differences, too. But I thought I would tell you that because it explains how this all started for me."

[Lion]

Even the greatest of men could be broken.  From the legends of the fallen god Umbra to the strongest of sea vessels, all have been breached in their own time and taken over by forces greater than they knew.  And Willem's time was fast approaching though the sea waves were slow and languid.  Yet even the smallest wave can become a tsunami.

From averting his gaze to the water below, Willem listened to the soft musicality of her voice.  It was like the sweet sound of the violin as it cried out for its lost lover only far great in it her ability to grip at his soul.  A serenade of a thousand sirens, Willem was only perked up when he heard that peculiar word that struck him as would a dark blade, 'love'.  He peered upward, his visage curious and only vaguely distraught, "Love me?  You think you could love me?"

Was he delirious or had his ears truly picked up what he thought she said?  Was she falling in love with him?  That light that once seemed so bleak now shone and flashed intermittently as she persisted in her words.  She had compared him to her brother, whom she called Leon, and ascertained that she could be more to him than a friend—a lover.  It seemed all too surreal this event and he felt himself being drawn nearer to her and when they were face to face, but a few inches away, he finally summoned his will to speak.

"Pain is a driving force, Celine.  It brings one to die, suffer, and perish.  But it can also allow one to redouble their resolve and allow them to gather the strength to live.  And though the memory of my wife is with me, I think she'd want me to continue to live albeit she cannot accompany me on that journey.

"I-I feel different when I'm around you, Celine.  Be it love, or otherwise, I feel it so strongly that I feel drawn to you now.  You patch... pieces into the shredded fabric of my life.  You are beautiful to me."  And with that he leaned in and slowly kissed softly upon the lips.

[Anonymous]

She reciprocated eagerly. She had so much love to give, so much love that she had never been able to show anyone. When their kiss ended, she looked at him closely, her smile warm. He'd not been kidding. It was all right, he was going to move on.

And she wasn't kidding, either.

"Yes, I really said I think I could love you, Willem. You patch my shredded pieces, too. And no one has ever called me beautiful to them, but it seems right for you to call me that. You're handsome to me." Carefully, Celine ran her fingertips over his cheek, finding the dimple his face made when he smiled, and touched it gently. She chuckled at herself for her thoughts of earlier, the first night they'd met, about how she had been nervous to kiss a man with a beard. Kissing a man with a beard wasn't that bad. A little rough, maybe, but she did like it. It made him seem more manly, somehow.

"What do you think, Willem? Is it all right for me to love you?" she whispered.

[Lion]

"Aye, milady.  If not for eternity then for the rest of my life.  If you can bring yourself to love me then I think I should be capable of surmounting my own grief.  I could, in turn, find myself loving you as well."

He leaned in again and kissed her once more.  Her lips were soft on his and her mouth warm and such warm moisture was enough to send pleasant shivers down his spine.  Electricity zapped at his fingertips and he thusly released her hands.  Instead he pulled them around her form, holding her against his sinewy torso.  He deepened the kiss and for all the life left in him, it waxed more passionate than any other in his life.

And when it was over he pulled away slightly, catching his breath, he whispered softly, "What now?"

[Anonymous]

"Anything you wish," she murmured, loving the feel of him holding her. "Anything at all." The truth was, she was a little breathless from the kiss as well. "No one has ever kissed me like that before..."

Celine pressed herself against him. Anything they did, she knew she would love. Just being in his arms like this was amazing. "I could grow used to this very quickly," she whispered as she lay her head against him. "I want this to be a night we'll both never forget."

She knew she would never forget it already. He'd said it was all right for her to love him, and that was enough.

Or was it?

How long had it been since she'd slept in someone's arms? How long had it been since she'd slept at all? Though she'd managed to look well enough tonight, she knew that Willem might still notice the horrible bags under her eyes.

"I want this to be a night where I will actually sleep, without fear of anything. I don't want to be afraid anymore. Just...make me tired. I don't care what we do. I just need to sleep afterward." She knew of only one thing that would make her tired afterward, but she didn't want him to if he wasn't ready. Celine looked into his eyes, trying to judge if that was what he wanted or not.

[Lion]

He nodded to her words, each phrase receiving an inch more on the wall she breached.  For what felt like years—though in reality was only a single year—of building his defenses, here she was taking it down brick by brick and doing so little to actually accomplish this.  For in this, such a feat he found amazing and therefore added to the admiration he held for her.

She wanted rest and he wanted peace.  Perhaps he had found it, only this night would tell. And he was just about ready to venture down that journey.  But with only a single step and his path would open, yet Willem still shook with hesitancy.  Should he?  Take the jump, man.  There's no harm that can come of it.  In time, your peace will be permanent, his conscience eased his nervousness.

Now sure of himself, he held her close to him and walked with her down from the deck to the inside of the ship, past the stock rooms and the quiet sleeping quarters where his men were surely lying sound asleep.  He would not disturb them, for he knew not even cannon fire could wake a man who'd fallen dead asleep after a hard day's work.  Before he could stop his heart from leaping into his throat, he stopped dead at the door to his quarters.  "Are you sure about this?" He turned back to Celine before he opened the door.

[Anonymous]

She looked into his eyes as they changed. He seemed more sure of himself now. "Yes, my love. I am," she whispered. Celine trailed light kisses from his cheeks to his lips, and a certain thrill went through her as she realized he probably wasn't going to leave. She was a little uncertain when it came to the buttons on his shirt, though. Being that centaurs did not wear clothes, she'd never had to deal with those with Randver. Celine's hands shook and she looked at Willem pleadingly for a moment before resting her head against him. After a few deep breaths, her hands no longer shook and she was able to remove his shirt. Then she trailed kisses the rest of the way down before going any further. "It'll be unforgettable, Willem. I promise."

(OOC: I don't really want to play this out right now, nor do I really have the time, so I'm skipping to later.)

Celine curled against Willem like a contented cat who has just found a lap to sit in, her arms around his neck, every curve of her body fitting perfectly against his. It truly had been amazing, at least for her. She sighed one last happy sigh, kissing him on the cheek. "Good night Willem," she said softly, pillowing her head on his chest.

And that night, something amazing happened, something that hadn't happened in over a year.  Celine Domremy actually slept the whole night through without waking once. If she had woken, she would have felt confident that Willem would have comforted her, but perhaps it was exactly that assurance that caused her not to wake. She wasn't alone anymore; she felt happy and fulfilled.

[Lion]

[Oh, no problem.]

Hesitancy emerged like prey to a water-snake: it was dangerous to both cross the river as well as to put oneself in harm's way of predators below.  Yet, Willem was a sea Captain and bravery was a must; he'd survived hurricanes, he could undoubtedly bring himself to love Celine.  There were ways to excavate one out of their own defenses for eventually their own fortress could be used as a trap.

He returned her gestures, letting himself go in the process and relaxing as the night lingered on.  And into the shadows they ventured, softened by a quiet darkness.

~
Yet while she slumbered soundly, seemingly reassured by his presence, there was a faint fire beginning to burn in his heart.  And with it was the discomfort of his actions.  He'd taken the plunge but was he truly sure of it!  What, are you crazy!? his mind insisted, upbraiding him for such stupidity.  You, a gentleman of sorts, dare to break the heart of a lady who called you her love?  Amelina is dead and she would want you to be happy.  Quell your fears, you're doing the right thing.  And for a moment Willem felt at ease, even allowing himself to do so much as fall asleep right along side her.  Yet still the flame burned in his chest.

[Anonymous]

Celine woke up the next morning still in Willem's bed, feeling more refreshed than she had in a long time, but the more she thought about what had happened last night, a sense of worry clouded her features. Had she known it, some of the same thoughts, in a different manner, that were plaguing Willem were plaguing her too.

She hadn't been lying when she called him her love. She did love him. But how disloyal to the memory of Randver had she been by making love to another man the very night after Randver had broken up with her? Was that wrong? And had she begun to have feelings for Willem even before she had seen Randver? If so, was that wrong too?  Furthermore, Willem didn't know that Randver had been a centaur. Would he be disgusted by her when he learned she had been with a centaur before?

Though Willem's guilt might ease with time, Celine was sure hers never would. There was no way she and Randver would ever see each other again, so there was no way to find answers to any of those questions, except for the last one. But Celine wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer anyway. If Willem would be disgusted by her being with a centaur, could he ever learn to love her? If he said he wouldn't be disgusted by it, would that be a lie?

She wanted to find out, but she was afraid. She would wait on him to say something before she asked her questions.

[Lion]

Willem did not awaken to the usual sounds of creaking wood against the ocean waves but rather was shaken awake by the motion of the ship in water.  They were sailing now and the soothing rocking had shaken his eyelids open from their comforting darkness.  He found a body lying beside him, and, turning, found Celine's face wide awake and peering at him.

A smile graced his lips and he adjusted himself so that he could better face her.  As if he forgot of his troubling and irrational thoughts of the night before, he let his grin take hold of him and allow him to ask softly, "Morning Celine.  You slept well I presume?"

[Anonymous]

"I did," she said. allowing herself a smile. "Thanks to you, I did. " She kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for that. But...I've also been feeling some guilt, and honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again. First of all... I'm disgusted with myself. How dare I make love to another man the very night after I've been dumped? I know he didn't want me, but that gives me no reason to...to act so rashly. And I also wonder if I was disloyal to him by having stirrings of feelings for you before he dumped me. It was just that he never officially dumped me until he found me on the beach. When he left, angry, the day my house was burned, I thought that was the end, but apparently according to him it wasn't. So I was still with him when I met you, only how was I supposed to know?  I wasn't lying when I said I loved you, but I do feel some guilt. "

Celine didn't want to, but she really doubted Willem would want to be near her after she made her last confession, so she forced herself to get out of bed. She still sat on the bed though, and looked at him.

"There's no easy way to say this, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I thought you might be disgusted by it, and I didn't want you to hate me, but hate me now if you must. My former love, Randver, was a centaur."

[Lion]

When she kissed him, he felt his cheeks burn in a blush and he smiled as well.  However, what he heard next was nothing that he expected.  It was a confession of sorts, a spilling of guilt and the things that plagued her since the happenings of last night.  They had loved each other for a time albeit the fact that both of their hearts had once been broken.  

When she finished with her first confession, he nodded and watched as she moved away from him.  But it was the next fact of speech that she uttered was certainly one to cause surprise.  His expression changed with brows raised and eyes wide (though it wasn't one of dislike).  What exactly was he supposed to think of this?  Yet even if this stood, he felt his visage transform into one of understanding.

"So," he said. "That certainly explains a lot about last night.  I didn't think you could do those kinds of things."  A lascivious grin curled at the corner of his lips and it seemed he was taking the news a lot better than she might have expected.

[Anonymous]

"Well, I'll admit, it takes a lot of agility, but the exercise wore me out and helped me sleep. You liked it then?" Celine asked, her eyes twinkling. "It's been over a year since I've done...things of that nature." The fact that he didn't seem to hate her gave her the courage to come close to him once more, and she smiled into his eyes.

"But there is also something else, Willem," she said after a moment, her eyes saddening again. A great weight was pressing on her chest and she felt as though she couldn't breathe properly.

"Since you have been so open with me about your wife, I feel as though I should tell you my guilt, too. I feel as though your guilt will ease with time, because last night, I thought I felt it begin to. But mine could never ease. When I came home after my fight with Randver to find my house burning, I did not go inside. I knew I could have been killed too.  But I could have gone inside. I saw my ten-year-old sister, Raissa, standing there staring at me through the  top floor window. Raissa was deaf, and she was signing furiously at me to do something. The next minute, the windows exploded and the whole house collapsed. You, at least, have the satisfaction of knowing that even if you didn't make it to your wife before she passed, you tried to get there.  I did not even try. Almost the whole house was in flames by the time I had arrived, and my family, those who could, were screaming in pain. So I just watched my sister die and the house explode and I did nothing to try to save her. Even though the house burned quickly, I still feel like I should have tried." This time, there was no time for Celine to even try to compose herself. The weight on her chest was too great. "That's why I never sleep at night," she managed to say. Then she dissolved into tears.

[Lion]

A distant string of empathy reached out to Celine and he felt his heart wrench up inside him again at the mention of his wife's death once more, though the guilt that once plagued him for so long before was strangely merciful and light on his chest.  There was no longer that painful gut plunging feeling that he got when he thought about her.  And how quickly such feelings subsided were reason enough to be astounded.

And with sympathetic ears he listened to her tale and how she compared it to his own mistake of the past.  She concluded that her situation was far worse and that she would never recover.  And suddenly she burst into tears; this was not a situation he was expected to undergo but it was one he was prepared for.  In an act of comfort, his once gruff expression was softened and he neared her, pulling her close to him.  "I understand how you feel, Celine.  But sometimes there are things that are beyond our control, phenomenon that surpass our understanding as human beings and even if we try to control them they will always thwart our every move.

"When I think of my wife, I get choked up inside that I find the idea of recovery an impossibility.  I lied to myself, telling myself that I was fine when my life was falling apart around me.  And even as I set the bricks back up, I had no cement for which to piece them together again.  I was lost and there was nothing I could do about it.  I wanted to live but I couldn't do it without her, without someone I loved.  I tried as hardest as I could to help her to get to her in time before she passed.  But even in my efforts, she was destined to lose her precious life.  Even now, I believe she wanted me there, but I have a faint hope that she forgives me for my failure."

Willem grasped her hands into his own, bracing them against his chest and then rested his forehead against her own.  "It's not your fault, even if you didn't try.  What could you have done?  Perhaps, if you did dash into the fray, you might have been killed and you wouldn't have been alive to find me.  Perhaps it was her time, like it was my wife's time.  Now's the time for healing, for the both of us.  And even though my loss still weighs heavy on my heart, I believe that you can help me.  And I hope that I can help you.  First we must forgive ourselves.  Are you ready to take that first step?"

[Anonymous]

Celine felt Willem pull her close, and some small part of her was comforted when he put her hands against his chest and she felt his forehead touch hers. It was soothing to her, being this close to him. She listened to his words. It wasn't her fault even if she didn't try? That was a new idea, and she wasn't sure she believed it... but then he continued, saying that if she had tried to save her sister, she might not have found him.

An ironic smile turned up her lips. "That's true..." she managed. "And that would be a shame indeed. Yes, I'm ready to forgive myself. If I weren't, I don't think I would have told you about it. It will be hard, and I still might have flashbacks and bad dreams, but if we help each other, I believe we'll both be in a better place than we were before. Maybe, as you've said, you might even learn to love me. I think we both deserve new love. A new life, as it were." And this time, she was the one who kissed him gently on the lips.

[Lion]

He could have been set on fire at her touch.  But this wasn't the case and he was as careful as possible in controlling the heat growing in his hands.  Electricity tingled at the ends of his fingertips as they danced across her back.  The words she uttered were sheer music to his ears and a smile graced him once more.  "I see then.  I think I'm ready now.  I admit I've had my doubts but without that first step there'd be nothing left for me."

He welcomed her soft lips to his as they kissed, all the passion of his soul surrounding him in a heightening firestorm.  But whilst he knew that passion could exist without love, he knew also that love couldn't exist without passion.  The only possible exception was, perhaps, platonic love, but even such was supported by the ardent adoration for another and beneath burned a terrible love for them though shown only through glamorous smiles and frivolous waves.

Willem felt new horizons broaden for him and felt ready to take the plunge.  He held her almost possessively and in him burned the soul that surrendered.

[Anonymous]

As he kissed her, gently but with passion, Celine felt him hold her tightly to him. How long had she wanted to be held like that? She wasn't sure, but it felt amazing. She felt the obvious but controlled electricity in his fingertips as he ran them across her back, and she shivered at his touch, snuggling deeper into the warmth of his embrace.

" I love you Willem..." she murmured. As he held her, she felt something different in his embrace. Was he actually surrendering to her love? She hoped so.

Only then did she realize they had not left his room. "Shall we, again?" she asked with a sparkle in her eyes.

[Lion]

Already he was breathless as she pressed herself further into him.  Again he squeezed her until the only space between them consisted of their flesh.  Heartbeat raging, he kissed her harder, taking her into him.

And with breath ragged and mind hazy he tried a grin and muttered in her ear, "You read my mind."