Coping With Loss...Again... (Lion)

[Anonymous]

Later, Celine lay in Willem's arms, still panting. She, too, managed a tired grin. "You were amazing," she purred. "You're so good for me." When the passion had cooled some, she looked at him with love in her eyes, a smile on her face, and lay stroking his face and hair with gentle fingers. "I won't soon forget what we've shared." In fact, he was so good for her that she felt she might never leave his room.  "However, I am concerned now that I won't be able to leave. If I sleep alone, there is always the risk of a bad dream or a flashback."

[Lion]

As Fin strolled across the deck of the Eternal Rose, he found it a curious phenomenon that there wasn't a sigh nor a scent from Captain Gurwulf all morning.  It was completely uncharacteristic of the Captain to sleep in all morning.  What was more was that Celine too hadn't shown up for kitchen duty in the morning.  Gods forbid the private evening awarded to them the night before went too far! Of course he had his suspicions but his job as First Mate was to keep the ship running in the Captain's absence, he was in no place to question Willem's methods.

Celine was the only woman aboard after all.
~
The few hours that commenced were as euphoric to Willem as discovering a fine jewel.  For, in a sense, Celine had a sparkling effect on him that made him greedy.  And that voracious twinkle could be found in his eyes as he looked at and she touched him gently.  "You weren't so bad yourself, milady.  I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with you in the future.  But in any case, I'll stay with throughout your rest.  If you wake, I'll be here by your side.  Don't worry."

[Anonymous]

Celine slept well, but only for a few minutes. Soon, she was back in that horrible world between dreams and reality. The fire seemed so real this time that she was able to feel its heat. This time, when she saw her sister at the window, she had a solution. "Raissa, jump, I'll catch you!" she screamed out, though she didn't realize that she was talking in her sleep. She was making the sign for "jump" furiously, over and over. But in her dreams, she still saw the house explode. With a terrified wail, she woke, panting again, except for a different reason than earlier. Now it was from fear. She felt as if she had just run several miles without stopping. "I should... have told her... to jump, " she managed.

[Lion]

In the hours that commenced, Willem was out of sleep.  Even after they made love for a second time, there was a nagging insistence in his mind that he shouldn't rest.  Whatever that was about he felt in the pit of his gut that he was about to find out.

So in the meantime he lay on his side, letting his heart relax as he watched her sleep.  As fortune would have it, in all his year long celibacy he hadn't lost his touch; she was out like a rock.  However, as he turned to lay on his other side he heard the whisperings of panic and he quickly rose from his position as Celine burst up in a delirium.

"Celine!" he spoke harshly trying to snap her out of her state.  "Celine," he repeated as he nudged on her shoulder and then wrapped both of his hand around her face.  "It's alright, everything's fine.  What happened?"

[Anonymous]

"Willem..." she murmured as she felt his hands on her face. "It was so real. I know it was just a flashback, but it was so real." She couldn't stop the sobs that shook her entire body. "Now I know that what I should have done was to sign to my deaf sister that I would catch her if she jumped. But I didn't do that." She leaned against him, still sobbing, but trying to stop the trembling too. "It was so real that I could feel the heat from the fire. That's how real it was. And their screams...I can still hear them screaming. Do you know what it's like to hear people scream like that? It tears at my heart so that I feel there is a great monster clawing at it. This is what happens every time I have tried to sleep for the past year. But if I don't try to sleep, I'm going to die soon. I know I will, and it will not be because I want to, but because my body will give out from sheer exhaustion. I don't know how I've survived a year like this already." Celine clung to Willem fiercely. "Please don't let me die, Willem, even if it means I can't ever sleep alone again. Please..." There was still life in Celine's eyes. It was a fading life, growing weaker from her lack of sleep, but it would be enough to let him know that she wanted to live.

"I don't want to die, so I force myself to try to sleep for a few hours every night. Maybe now that I've actually had a flashback and you know what they're like, you can help me. But when I have had one before, I've kept it to myself because I don't want to wake anyone. I'd almost rather die than bother someone and have them get angry. Almost, but not anymore. Not now that I've seen how much there is to live for." She leaned against him, still trembling, not because she was afraid of him, but because she was afraid of herself. She, too, had a habit of keeping secrets for a long time. Not everything, of course, but the really big things, like this. It had almost come to the point of killing her this time because she had been afraid to share her secret.

[Lion]

The panic she exhibited before was only the brush of it all.  Like an iceberg in the oceans of Hyoite, there was more beneath her surface.  She burst into tears and begged him to save her, but she was sputtering her words out more quickly than he thought.  Still, in an effort to comfort her, he held onto her, letting her spill her emotions until they had all been released.  He knew the dangers of letting such emotions build up inside a person until they just explode.  Perhaps this was that moment for Celine.

When she calmed down, he wrapped his arms over her shoulders and held her carefully as if she were a precious object that oughtn't to be broken.  For in his senses, he found her fragile like this and wanted to do nothing that would cause her to snap.  A tear touched at the corner of his eye as the words that she would die spun around in his head as if caught in a tempest.  He stroked her head and kissed her forehead, whispering as he held her, "Nothing bad is going to happen to you.  I'll protect you, didn't I promise that I would?  You'll be safe as long as you're in my arms.  I love you, Celine.  I don't want to lose you like I lost Amelina.  Gather your strength and stay with me."

[Anonymous]

It seemed to Celine that her trembling would never stop, but finally, it did. She snuggled closer into Willem as he stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. Her breathing slowed and she almost felt like going to sleep again.

But not yet.

Had she just heard him say he loved her? Her head came up in surprise. She didn't think it would happen so quickly. But he was holding her so gently, like she would break. Like she was the most precious thing that still existed on Earth to him. It had to be true. Celine made up her mind then and there, with all the strength she had left, that she would never question it.

"I love you too," she whispered, her voice still weak from crying. She kissed him softly on the cheek, then fell asleep again, her damp cheek pillowed on his warm chest, soothed by the beating of his heart against her ear.

(OOC: So now that they love each other, what now?)

[Lion]

Willem paused in his comforting as Celine settled down beside him.  He was momentarily stunned at what he just uttered and was still as stone as she kissed him on the cheek and went back to sleep.  But he could not follow suit.

Had he really said that he loved her?  It wasn't until he realized that it wasn't a lie that he relaxed a little.  He really did say it and moreover he meant it with all his heart.  How could he have done so so quickly?  That was a mystery to him but he must have loved her the whole time, it just took him so long to realize that this was the time to move on away from the memory and loss of Amelina.  Perhaps it was the fact that he wanted to be free of his grief for so long that his subconscious finally to it upon itself that he should love her.  Whatever the case he did.

And now that that was decided, he could rest easy and take the toll of a new love once he'd awaken the following day.

[Okay now's a good moment to skip ahead in time if you'd like.  Just something like: ~~Three months later~~]

[Anonymous]

~~Three months later~~

Celine's recovery of her strength was very slow. One didn't catch up on missing a year of sleep overnight, especially not when the sleep was occasionally interrupted by a flashback. But even though there were times when she had to take a nap in the middle of the day in order to be able to cook dinner in the evening, she had the comfort of knowing that even though Willem probably couldn't always be with her, if she called him, he would likely come running. Fin probably did more than his share of running the ship in the first few weeks after Celine joined the crew, but she hoped he didn't hate her for it. In fact, sometimes she took extra measures to make sure he wouldn't, such as slipping him extra dessert if one of the other crew members was too full to eat it.

After a few weeks though, the horrible dreams began to occur less often. She never got to the point where they were completely gone, but she could go for weeks at a time without them, which gave her the energy to focus on other things.


Things like the crew members. She wondered if they were aware of the romance between herself and Willem. Did they wish she had fallen for one of them instead? Other thoughts on her mind included her and Willem's future together.

Celine had always hoped she would become a mother, but with Randver, she had been terrified at the thought of giving birth to a child that would be almost bigger than her. Even then, Celine would like to have married him. Now, with Willem, she wasn't so scared about having a baby, but she'd still like to be married before it arrived, if one did. But how was that possible? Surely they couldn't be married on the ship. There would be no one there to perform a wedding... if he wanted to marry her at all.

 That, too, bothered her. Not their marriage, per se, but the thought of him not wanting to marry her. Then she mentally kicked herself. They'd only been officially in love for three months. What was she doing, thinking about marriage already? Still, she'd love to know what he thought of the idea. It wouldn't be right away of course, but eventually, she'd love to get married.

[Lion]

Willem held onto the glistening ring on the chain absently as he sat in his office.  There were two of them, one he kept in an envelope in a safe somewhere and the one here he fingered gently.  This was his wife's ring, one that he slipped off her finger as the final token of her memory and one that never intended on using again.  Well, that was three months ago.

Now, his mind was seriously intent on utilizing such an object again, just not this one.  He loved Celine with the whole of his human heart but wasn't sure yet what to make of that love.  Was he going to propose to her?  So soon?  He shook his head to himself in uncertainty before a knock at his door caused him to quickly slip away the chained ring into a drawer in his desk.  Clearing his throat, he called the other in.

It was Fin, to no surprise who entered to ask a few questions regarding their shipment and what direction to instruct the men to go.  It was only when the First Mate turned was Willem's attention turned back to him with a most startling question. "So, Cap'm, how's Celine doin' lately?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, how is she?  She okay?  I heard some screaming coming from your room a few nights ago and I thought there might be trouble aboard?"

Willem's face suddenly turned beat red in embarrassment.  "So you know now, huh?"

"Yessir.  Whole crew knows 'bout you and Miss Domremy.  But don't worry about dissent, Cap'm.  We understand...y'know wit you losin' your wife an' all.  I took care of everything."

"Err...thank you?"

"No problem, Cap'm.  Will there be anything else you'll be needin' from me today?"

"Uh, no, Fin.  You may go."

"Aye, sir."

The few seconds of embarrassment soon passed and Willem sighed a wave a relief.  A moments later, he appeared out on the deck of the ship as the sun was now preparing to cast itself beneath the horizon once more, spewing colors in its wake.  With brown cloak draped royally over his shoulders, he walked toward the railing to peer out at the waves he'd loved all his life.

[Anonymous]

Celine was there, too, not for the waves but for the sunset. Its pretty colors always gave her something to think about before she went to sleep. "Wow, nice sunset tonight, hmm?" she asked as he went by. She noticed that he looked slightly preoccupied, at least to her, and wondered what that was about. Absently, she wondered if the same thoughts that were going through her head right now were going through his.

"I hope for one as pretty on my wedding night," she said with a smile, then yawned and realized that she was still so tired she almost wasn't sure what she'd said. She was more worried about him than herself right now.

"Do you think the crew knows? Is that why you look so preoccupied?" Her eyes were full of worry and love. Mostly love, though. "I think about that too, but..."

Celine lost her words, then, and she realized that she had nothing to say to him regarding that. Perhaps knowing that she shared his concerns would be enough, though.

"Please, try not to worry?" she asked, kissing his cheek. "When I see someone looking the way you do right now, it makes me wonder if something is wrong, and I'm still so tired even after three months that I can't afford to waste unnecessary energy. I love you."

Had he known, though, much of what Celine considered "necessary energy," was spent thinking about their future together.

[Lion]

"I'm not worried," Willem said, shaking his head as he kept his eyes on the water.  "I'm just...thinking.  They say that when a man is quiet he is often deep in thought.  I think that if a man is intelligent he will think in silence, but an unintelligent will just have a blank slate.  What do you think?"

He glanced at her and smiled a little as she kissed his cheek.  "The crew doesn't think very much in my opinion.  Not because they're not smart, but because their job doesn't require so much thought.  So, really it doesn't matter whether they know or not does it?"

Sighing, he pressed on and resumed his vigilance upon the ocean, "Fin told me they do know.  But he takes care of everything when I need a break and for that I thank him.  We'll be okay, right?"  He looked at expectantly as if he half-believed she would walk away from him in his nonsense.  But she was unpredictable and that was an aspect he loved about her.

[Anonymous]

"Yes, of course we'll be okay," she whispered. "Truthfully, I'm glad you asked me to stay all these months ago because otherwise I would probably have been with another man who had to leave me quite often for his job. Now we'll always be together, and that's the best part."

Celine took a deep breath. "I tend to agree.  Intelligent people think in silence. How else could the old-Earth philosopher have said, 'I think, therefore I am,' if he had no silence in which to think? If there is noise, one can't think.   But what does an intelligent man such as yourself think about in the silence?" she had to ask. "Do you think of getting married again, maybe having a few children? I'd like that, someday...to get married and have children." She smiled as she thought of little brown haired girls and red haired boys, or maybe the other way around. Either way, they'd be beautiful. "They'd be kings and queens of the sea, at home in it, like we are. Can't you picture it?"

 And for the first time in a long time, almost longer than she could remember, Celine laughed. She laughed as if she were watching something funny happen, and yet only she could see it. That was what thinking of being a mother brought her...laughter. She knew there would be times her children could annoy or worry her, but now, she thought only of the laughter. Celine had all but lost her ability to laugh when her family died, and it would have been the first time Willem had heard her laugh when she was truly happy.

[Lion]

He looked at her with surprise glowing in his eyes.  A smile tugged at the corners of mouth, his fine mustache spreading across.  "Marriage?  Children?  I don't know if I'm ready so soon.  I know I love you but now is the time for just us...  That doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't get down on one knee."  He leaned down and kissed Celine on the forehead and stroked her head.

"But I understand how you feel.  Our young will be the masters of the ocean.  I won't take no for an answer."  He laughed a little at this.  "Won't they the most beautiful children of the world...  Did you know Celine, that I never had children of my own?  I'm not quite sure I'd make a nice father, with my temper and all."

[Anonymous]

"You would," she said gently. "You'd make an excellent father. I've never even seen your temper, so I know you could be gentle with them too, and who knows, it might come in handy when they're being rowdy. The secret to tempers is not that you have one, but that you know when to control it." Celine buried her face in him, just glad he hadn't said no. At least, if they did have children, she'd have that with him. She wouldn't be his first wife, but she might have his first child. It wasn't that she needed proof of his love, exactly, but it didn't hurt that this would be something new, shared only by the two of them.

"Besides, they'd be spoiled rotten by every man on the ship, I'll bet. You wouldn't be alone trying to be a father. You'd have help, from all of them and especially me.  And you're right, they'd be the most beautiful children in the world because they were ours. Only I hope that they would look like you. I'm plain looking and I've always known it," said Celine with a chuckle. "In fact, the only time I've ever felt pretty was when you gave me that dress." She wasn't trying to make him pity her, just stating the facts. "But I think I fell in love with you way before the dress, though I can't say exactly how or where."

[Lion]

"Why do you lie?" Willem remarked rhetorically with a smile.  "You are very beautiful.  To me and to many others.  Just the other day Barto told me how much you reminded him of his daughter.  She looked like you I suppose and was not less beautiful.  And thank the gods that you've never seen my temper.  I don't think it'd very pretty.  I'd be much more content if I just...kept myself caged in a fit of rage."  He laughed a little solemnly and stroked her hair.

"I must have loved you sometime ago, I just didn't know it yet.  I don't think it'd be the  moment I first saw you on the beach, that would have been too soon wouldn't it?  It must have been some time over the course of the year.  A time when I saw the sunlight strike your face at the right angle; a time when the sea air blew through you lovely hair and let me see the whole of the beauty of your face.  Yes, I think that's when I loved you."

[Anonymous]

"I don't lie, Willem. The only time a peasant girl is ever told she is pretty is when a nobleman wants to cheat on his wife with her."
Celine blushed furiously, remembering that once in the Adelan marketplace, something of the sort had actually happened to her. If Willem were to ask, she would tell, but she'd really rather forget it. In the meantime, though, a feeling of shame filled her that was so great she couldn't even look at him.

She felt better when she heard Willem speculating about when he might have begun to love her. His words gave her the strength to raise her head again, and she smiled softly at him.

"I knew I loved you the first night we made love. But when I knew you would stay... when I told you about Randver being a centaur and you did not hate me...that was when I loved you even more. And when I had the flashback and you held me in the night and told me that I was safe in your arms, I knew that I had fallen for the right man."

[Lion]

"It'd be impossible for me to hate a woman who's beauty surpasses all I've ever known.  Whose own inner serenity makes me ache to think that this woman actually hurt once in her life; lived in hear of her past and too weak to make a better future for herself.  It pained me to the point where I could hardly breathe."

Willem kept his arms close around her, holding her tightly and gently kissing her forehead.  It had been so long since he had a woman that he loved in his arms like this that he'd almost forgotten the feeling.  He was but a lonely ship captain, hardly anything to look at let alone anyone to be around.  Yet for all his pain there was finally something that could bring him peace.  This something was not as wild or as tumultuous as the sea but something much closer to home.  She was right here in his arms.

While still holding her close, he leaned down and whispered in her ear, "Milady, in my heart burns a flame whose fire would never scorch you."

[Anonymous]

"I know..." She kissed him softly on the lips as a gentle but definitely present passion filled her. She knew she would never have to worry about Willem hurting her.  "I love you so much. I don't think I've ever loved anyone this much." Celine couldn't wait until she and Willem were wed, although it could be argued with the passion they presumably felt for one another that their two hearts had become one already, even without the exchanging of vows. As she looked into his eyes, she wondered if he felt the same way.

[Lion]

Their feelings were mutual, even if Willem hadn't said it yet to completely mark the occasion.  Suddenly he felt in his mind that this was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  Amelina was dead and he'd gotten over most of those old emotions in the time he had to grieve.  It was true that he loved his first wife with all his heart and when she died apart of him died along with her, but also had a greater part of him that wanted to live, to move on away from the memory that weighed him down.

Sometimes, when he was alone, he thought that he didn't want to move on, that he was content to wallow in his own selfish, worthless misery.  But the love he felt surface for Celine burned a flame far greater and far stronger than his habit for sorrow.

As if he was ready to take the world by storm, he leaned down and whispered into Celine's ear, "My love, my heart, my hope.  You've become a great many things to me, things that I hold dear.  But, not to seem too demanding, I'd like to ask one more favor from you.  Would you bring me the ultimate happiness of being my wife?"