Colonies in my mind (Quills!)

[Anonymous]

Sesselav only believed she had trouble with remembering what she wanted to say, and perhaps that she did have difficulty expressing her emotions to a degree. Her thoughts must have been a jumbled mess, all things considered, her mind filled with bugs and the constant buzzing swarm around her. It would surely be enough to make anyone have difficulties speaking. Sesselav could relate in some way, because she had been part of a colony, and she had thousands of voices and images in her head before, making it hard sometimes to tell if her thoughts were her own.

"I understand. There is not much that can be helped, I think some of them aren't fit for another...person to help with." Like finding a potential shape shifting mate. That would just be awkward to ask help with. It wasn't as if she really wanted to find one either, but it would have to be an option, a possibility if anything. She may very well need to create a new colony, and she would need the help of a creature with such diverse genetic stock.

"I am quite happy to talk with you Hasea, I have not had to really answer such questions in...forever. There is a difference between instinct and desire. Instincts often tell you basic desires, the instinct to seek shelter, warmth, a mate, food, and all those things. However, these are things that are simply bred into you. My...body...on the unseen and unheard level...the mind asleep level, tells me to breed, to feed, to procreate and to be the Queen that I was born to be, to command a colony. My mind, the awake one, the part of me that IS me, that I am...does not see the desire to. I do not need to be a Queen, I do not need to mate and procreate the species. While...part of me wants to be Queen, I know that this world is not my world...and I should not introduce my species." It could wreak havoc on a lot of delicate ecosystems, potentially upsetting the balances of power between certain races. It could be completely disastrous, and she was not looking to do such a thing.

"So it is all about the mind asleep, and the mind awake. Am I controlled by what my species tells me? What my species did for perhaps thousands of years, and now is a part of me? Or do I do what I want to do, what I would like to do."  She explained carefully. If all else failed...if it really...really honestly failed, and she could not find a way home...she might make a small colony. She would have no daughters however, and would most certainly ensure that whens he died, the colony would as well. That was the last scenario however. There was of course, the chance that as she got older, as she lived here more, she might not see such need to do.

It was a curious thing, to think of how the world might change her in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Hasea remembered how hard it had been for her when she realised she would have to give up all those things she had 'known' she would do, and that she had felt she had to do. Knowing that she wouldn't follow her father's trade, wouldn't have a family, and teach them the craft in turn... Those early days had been so difficult for her. She couldn't imagine it was any easier for Sesselav. And while Hasea was still fighting to get that back, the ant woman sounded like she wouldn't have it, even if she could. More than that, it sounded like it wasn't even for her own sake.

That was honourable, and perhaps a little sad. However, it seemed like she had really given it a lot of thought, and if it was what Sesselav truly wanted, then... That was happiness, wasn't it?

Hasea didn't really know what she thought. It was a complex matter, one she wasn't fully equipped to deal with. She touched her companion's arm and smiled. "I think... You're the only one... The only one who knows... What it is... That you want..."

She looked confused for a second, like she had lost her train of thought. "So... Do it?" She shook her head. "I'm sorry... That wasn't very... That wasn't very helpful... Was it?"

[Anonymous]

The two of them were a right pair, two peas in a pod as Sesselav had heard someone say once in a tavern. Of course, Sesselav knew that there were more peas in a pod than two, but the saying was quite right. Both of them had lost their world, and while Sesselav thought she might never get hers back, she believed that Hasea could be helped. There would no doubt be answers in the desert, and if there weren't...well...Sess was sure that she could stand to leave the warmth to find help for this woman. She didn't know why she wanted to help her, perhaps because the strange insects were giving a bad name to her kind. Perhaps she just felt sorry for Hasea's situation.

She laughed a buzzing sort of laugh when Hasea told her that she was the only one who knew what she wanted. She was a precious person, this Hasea, almost childlike in a way. It would be adorable, if not for the fact that it was the bugs around her that no doubt made her that way.

"Don't worry about what is helpful. I agree with you, and that is why I head toward the warmth. It is what I want. There is too much...cold up this way, and too much water falling everywhere." Sure, rain was common in her world as well, but rain was dangerous because of floods. Just because it seemed harmless, falling from the sky so leisurely, didn't meant it still couldn't hurt you. It just had to amass in the right place. In some cases, that would be...well, rivers that were dammed up for protection.

Awful thought, drowning. Sesselav didn't quite like the idea of it. She'd had to listen time and time again when a worker fell in a river and either drowned, or almost drowned. It was horrible. Hearing anyone's death throes in your mind was.

"The desert will be good Hasea. Maybe we will find help, for both of us."

[Anonymous]

Hasea frowned. "Do you mean... The rain? I like it... I used to like it... I think..."

In the right amounts, at the right time, it was absolutely necessary. It would have been her duty to help the rains come every year, and to drive them away again when they weren't needed. They would have been... Should have been her entire life. Just her and the wind, bound together, working in unison to keep her little community alive. It was almost like love, in a way.

But she didn't have that any more.

"But I hope so... That we both... Find what we need..." She smiled at Sesselav. It wasn't just hope that she had, however. It was a burning, all-encompassing certainty that if she just kept going, someday everything would work out. In the end, everything would be all right.

Wouldn't it?

[Anonymous]

"Yes, that is the word to use. Rain. It is small, but small things...as you know...are very dangerous in large groupings." The woman told her as she pointedly looked at the swarm around Hasea before shaking her head. It just wasn't fair for Hasea, but...this was just how some things would be in the end unfortunately.

There was always the hope of the desert though.

"I have faith that we will both live comfortably." Sesselav told her calmly. She didn't want to get the woman's hopes up, but Sesselav now had a mission and a personal goal for herself. It was...a little satisfying really. It meant that she would have something to focus on instead of her instincts, which could end up with her in situations that she didn't necessarily want to deal with.

"What is your position on entering rest cycles and procuring food? I...notice that you are very...unfed. You also seem...weary, as if your...as..." There was some nervous sounding chittering from Sesselav as she tried to think of the right words. "As...if I don't know how to think when I speak. I am sorry." She just remembered that the woman had bugs in her mind...so she might not be tired, but she might be very...strange because of it.

[Anonymous]

Hasea laughed quietly at Sesselav's confusion, covering her mouth to hide it. To think that someone as calm and dignified as the former queen would have the same problem... It was quite funny. "That's... Two of us!" she giggled.

She thought for a little while. She didn't quite know how to explain her habits properly. Trying to put it into words... She knew that she was capable of taking better care of herself than she did. She probably didn't deserve Sesselav's pity after all, did she? She decided to just say it as plainly as possible. That would be best.

"Um, well... I don't sleep a lot... Because I have to... I have to keep moving... And I don't eat... Because they..." She waved vaguely at the swarm around her. "... They crawl in the food... And then... I don't want to eat it..."

"So you see..." She lowered her head, her cheeks pink as the shame welled up within her. She shouldn't try to explain it away. That wouldn't be fair. "It's... Kind of my own... My own fault, I suppose? I'm sorry... If you thought... You thought I needed help..."

[Anonymous]

At Hasea's laugh, well, her comment and her giggle, her mandibles turned to a smile, and a chittering sort of laugh at that. "That is...quite correct, we are quite similar." Sesselav was quite glad that Hasea was able to laugh and enjoy this sort of moment. Sure it was a little strange to be laughing about, but the two of them were a strange pair. An insect queen, and an insect host, walking and laughing together.

How things could be very odd.

"I understand Hasea. So they offer some sort of nutrition to the host...but...they do not let you sleep. I am...sorry to hear that. I require both of course, and...I am afraid that it may take me a while to find nutrition for myself. I am still...inexperienced." It was the truth, a sad fact at that. Sesselav was used to people just giving her food, to just having it delivered to her. She used to sit around, allowing food to be brought to her, lounging, and doing not a whole lot. Such was the life of a monarch. Most things could be done mentally, without having to go anywhere. She of course, didn't allow her figure to distend and change. Some of the queens of course did get fat and lazy...she wondered idly if her daughter would become like that.

An interesting thought.

"I don't understand? How is this your fault? Did you not shoo them away? Did you...let them take over your body?"

[Anonymous]

In her haste to reprimand herself, Hasea realised she hadn't actually explained anything. That was her own fault too. Of course Sesselav would misunderstand. No, Hasea hadn't invited the things in. It was true that she hadn't tried to get them out at first, but that was because she hadn't even known they were there.

She took a deep breath and prepared to explain herself, in complete sentences, even. "No!... No... It's just... If I really wanted... I could make myself eat... And if I really wanted... I could sleep... And then I wouldn't... I wouldn't be so sick... All the time..."

She looked down for a second and fiddled with the cuff of a sleeve, wretched in her sudden embarrassment. Then she took in everything else Sesselav had said, and saw a chance to redeem herself from what she saw as her uselessness. She could be helpful.

She looked up again. "Oh... Are you hungry, then? We could... We could get you some food..." She scanned the plains for anything that looked edible, brow furrowed in concentration. "What... What do you eat?"

[Anonymous]

"Oh, I see. I am glad to hear of that then." It was good to know that she hadn't just let these creatures invade her, that she had let them slowly kill her like this. It was also good to know that she could eat, and that she could sleep. There were other questions that came with it of course. Why didn't she eat then? Why didn't she sleep? Why didn't she let herself get better? Perhaps she'd even be able to fight the invaders better.

"I am not in need of food right now Hasea, but soon I will need food yes. I eat...almost anything. Fruit, vegetables, meat even." She didn't mention that she could eat bugs of course. People thought it was a little weird, and it might also come across as...well, a declaration of war against the swarm. She didn't want them to think that in a desperate bid for food, she would eat some of the swarm.

She smiled as best she could at the woman as she looked through the swarm at Hasea. "If you can eat and sleep Hasea...why do you not? You would be healthy, maybe even healthy enough to fight...any sort of infection or threat." She didn't want to say swarm, she didn't want to say invader, she didn't want the swarm to know she was talking about them of course. They seemed to have concept of language, of the common language, which was a little bit troubling and a perhaps just a tad...well...worrisome. However, there were many ways to get across a point without directly referencing it.

Sesselav would have to be careful.

"You shouldn't scavenge for me though Hasea...this is something that I will need to do, I must learn eventually. Your help however, would be...greatly appreciated and welcome. I am still...a bit unsure of the world and the contents within." Later she would start looking for food. She heard of wild onions growing in the grasslands, among other sorts of vegetables. Bushes and what not could also have great amounts of roots to them. She would survive, if she was smart.

[Anonymous]

"I know... I know... I tried, for a while..." She looked down. "But they... They get in the food... And they wriggle, and I... And I can't bear it..."

She hoped it didn't seem picky to Sesselav, who had just said she'd eat anything. It wasn't picky to Hasea, and from what she remembered, it wasn't picky to most humans either. The bugs were, to most people, things that weren't meant to be eaten. They were something that, if they got in food, meant it had to be thrown away. She'd tried, but just hadn't been able to get over that.

"The sleep... I don't know... How to explain that..." She paused. "Do you know..." She looked at Sesselav for a moment, a look of deep contemplation on her face. "Do you know, when you're running... How it doesn't really... It doesn't really feel so hard... Until you stop? It's... It's sort of like that..."

She cheered up, smiled and waved her hands. "Oh... And I wasn't going to... I wasn't going to do all the work... For you... That... That wouldn't be helping... Would it? And besides..." She scratched her head and laughed. "I... I wouldn't really know... Where to start..."

After all, Hasea hadn't spent much time looking for food over the years, either.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, I see. They get to the food before you...but they can also give you food." It made sense. Perhaps controlling her food was their way of controlling her. Personally, to show them who was in control, Sesselav would just eat the food anyway without a care. When you were a giant insect, you didn't really care if lesser insects got in your food. It was just garnishing and extra protein at that point. She kept that much to herself of course, she didn't want to disgust Hasea, or upset the swarm. She still couldn't tell how intelligent they were, but the fact that she could communicate in some small way with them was definitely a sign that there might be trouble.

Sesselav tilted her head slightly as she tried to understand what Hasea meant by that. Did she...feel tired only when she stopped then? Or did she feel sleepy after she slept for a long time? The first made more sense really. "So you are not tired unless you stop...so you keep moving." That would be interesting. Hasea would just have to wander around while Sesselav slept then...and at that point, Sesselav probably wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that Hasea was just having to...walk around and around until she woke up.

That was going to be...something else entirely. However, she wouldn't have to deal with it until it came to the point when she needed to sleep.

"I...don't exactly know either but...from what I can remember with my colony...you have to look for the distinct stalks...they can sometimes blend with grass but...I can see the different...the different...scents of them. I just have to look for the scents that aren't grass...and then find the stalks that aren't grass." Sure she could see that there was a different scent coming from the ground, but she'd have to then find out what was causing it. It could be anything, from a fragrant rock to just a missing patch of grass, exposing the earth to the air.

"For now, it isn't something to worry about. Even if we can't find food, I am able to survive periods without eating." Her reserves would come in handy. She'd simply slow her digestion down, and eat into the reserves, which were handy for just this occasion. She didn't understand why her people had reserve stomachs of sort, but she figured way back when, millions of years before, her people were quite nomadic.

Strange how things worked out. She was once more back to being nomadic.

[Anonymous]

"Sort of..." muttered Hasea. It was less fatigue that she had to fight and more despair. She stopped only when she was physically unable to go on, because if she rested while conscious, she started thinking. That wasn't good for her. If she was on the move, she could concentrate on that. It might be easier, though, with Sesselav here to distract her from her thoughts.

"I do sleep..." she added hastily. "Just not... Not enough..."

She looked around the landscape curiously when Sesselav explained how she could find food. She could see smells? That must be so weird... Well, it probably wasn't if she'd always been able to do it, then it would just be normal... But it still seemed strange to Hasea. She wondered if Sesselav could see how she smelled and had a moment of panic, embarrassed in case it wasn't good. But if she look-smelled bad, then the ant woman wouldn't want to be near her, would she? So it wasn't really a problem.

"Well..." she ventured. "When you do get hungry... I can... I can help dig something up... Maybe..."

She'd spent so long as what she considered a nuisance to others, and she really just wanted to be helpful for once. Still, if neither of them really needed to eat, it would speed the journey up somewhat. She just wasn't quite sure if she thought of that as a good thing...

[Anonymous]

"One day you might get to sleep...enough." It was hope. Hope that they could get rid of the swarm. Hope that Hasea wouldn't die from these horrid insects that gave all insects a bad name. Sesselav figured that she was going to help Hasea to stop herself from being overcome with thoughts of despair, and her instincts. It was a good distraction, but it was an even better cause. A Queen Skirr helping a wandering woman.

It would make a good story in the very least.

The description that Sesselav used for her synesthesia was probably not the best description in the world. It was very...very difficult to describe, but all Skirr had it. The ability to see smells as...coloured visible gases. This was so a colony could lay down a territorial mark, which would encompass their territory and be a sort of border. It served them quite well in finding food, or for seeing who wasn't part of the colony. Sometimes a spy would be sent in, and the only difference was his smell, and just by a little bit. Usually it was the Queen's scent that rubbed off on the spy...in any case...it was very difficult for Sesselav to describe it to another person who didn't have it.

"That would be most appreciative Hasea."  Again, her mandibles formed a smile and she nodded. The one thing that Sesselav had to do though...was think of Hasea as a Queen and not a drone or worker. The woman was an equal, not a lesser being to be used. The woman offered to help her, not been demanded to. It wasn't anything new to Sesselav, she'd been in this world for a little while now and had gotten very good at it, but every once in a while she supposed she missed not being able to give orders, to command, to be the Queen she was.

"I would like to try one of the wild onions in these grasslands, I heard they have a slightly sweet taste..." Of course, prized among her people were sweet tasting things. Fruits and sugary delights were always a welcome bribe amongst her people. While they had learned the value of currency from the humans, it was always a wagon full of fruits that really bribed her. Funny how that was.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, well, I'll... I'll keep an eye out..." Hasea promised cheerfully. "If I see one... I'll..." She stopped abruptly, rather than trailing off like usual, and squinted at something.

It would be quite a coincidence if she saw one just as they were talking about them. She didn't know a lot about plants, and she certainly didn't know anything about the various species that grew on the plains, but she could just about identify an onion when she saw one. She'd grown up in a farming community, after all, and had somehow managed not to forget that piece of trivia. A wild onion was obviously not going to be the same as one grown by people – it would, at the very least, be smaller – but there would be enough similarities.

"No..." She returned to normal. "I think that was... Not one... But if I see one..." She smiled. "I'll give it... To you..."

Knowing that her companion liked onions – such a tiny thing – made Hasea very happy. She knew it was probably shallow, but she liked having even that small connection. She could barely remember what her favourite foods had been. It might have been for the best, in that she couldn't miss them if she didn't know what they were, but it was still a little sad.

"So... What else do you like?" she asked. "In case... In case we find them..."

[Anonymous]

Sesselav stopped with Hasea as she did, looking around to see if she could see anything. However, there was nothing that she could divulge. There didn't seem to be any sort of root sticking up, or any strange scent in the air.

Wouldn't that be luck however? Talking about it for a few minutes, and then finding one. Sesselav wouldn't be sure what to call that...some sort of serendipity? Still, it would have been something at least. She still wished that she was back at home, where the meals were immense and no one would go hungry. Hell, a drone would probably force feed Hasea until she was a bit thicker. That however would be a pipe dream of sorts for the time being. It probably wouldn't work out that she'd be able to thicken up Hasea, they'd have to be very conservative with food. However, she was sure that at some point they would enjoy a feast.

A new goal for Sesselav, to treat Hasea to a feast.

She smiled over at her friend as she asked her a question. "Carrots, potatoes, peas, anything really. I am not a picky one, though...I would rather not have to eat grass."  She could eat grass, and it would sustain her, but she would feel like such a four legged mammal, eating grass and grazing. It was really...insulting, but...Hasea probably wouldn't tell anyone. No, Hasea wouldn't tell anyone. She was sure of it. The woman was good that way. It may not seem like a real matter, but to Sesselav it was. She still had some dignity after all.

[Anonymous]

Potatoes, peas and carrots... Hasea remembered all of them, and they made her a bit nostalgic. She had a brief memory of being small, crunching on a piece of raw, fresh carrot while watching her father work. She even faintly remembered how it had tasted. Despite her state, she wasn't hungry – the bugs saw to that – but she did want to taste something delicious.

"Grass?" She smiled and laughed quietly. "Why would you... Want to eat... That? Although..." she added, "There isn't... Much else around..."

Sesselav was right, though. Hasea wouldn't tell anyone, although only partly because she was nice. She just didn't have anyone else to tell. If she did... Well, she still probably wouldn't tell, because she didn't want to be a gossip, but it was impossible to say these things for certain until the situation actually came up. It would be presumptuous, and a little arrogant. She didn't want to be arrogant, either.

[Anonymous]

Despite her drones and workers not being the most intelligent creatures in the world, they still could carry conversations with each other, and they dreamt when they slept, they could learn other languages, but...for the most part people thought them simple. However, they were really good with making food. Some of the finest meals she ever had was made by a humble Skirr worker. Perhaps it was the ability to see scents, and in turn, know the tastes, that way they were able to pinpoint exactly what was needed. She had probably eaten food that the people of this world had never even dreamed of.

"Correct, so maybe there will be sacrifices...but I still hope to see a wild onion or perhaps a bush growing berries." They didn't call it a grassland for nothing though. With it being close to a desert as well, there was just no telling what could grow here. Sesselav very much wished that there was something edible, something that wouldn't be grass but...she wasn't going to give up on the dream of some wild vegetable growing out here.

"These are beautiful lands though. My people would very much enjoy this part of the world. A great underground city would be perfect for this grassy place. Her people would absolutely love this land, it had stable looking ground, and enemies could be seen for leagues! But...she had no people here. She was alone...no she wasn't. She looked to Hasea and flashed her that strange insectoid smile of hers.

She had Hasea!

[Anonymous]

"Yes... It is quite... Nice, I suppose..." Hasea looked around her. She hadn't given the landscape too much thought, but now that Sesselav mentioned it, it wasn't half bad. It was pleasantly warm and sunny and had been since she arrived here. The view was picturesque and, most importantly, the firm, flat ground and short grass made for easy terrain. She'd walked in worse places.

She looked back at Sesselav in time to catch her expression. She returned the smile, for a second, and then it morphed into a puzzled look. She didn't think either of them had said anything funny, so what was that about? "Why are you... Smiling? Sure... It's pretty here... But it isn't... It isn't that good..."

Maybe she was missing something. Oh! Maybe it smelled better than it looked. She sniffed a couple of times. Nope, to her it just smelled like... dust, and... grass, maybe. Nothing special.

[Anonymous]

It was a good place for Sesselav, mainly because of the warmth. The lack of food and trees here was a little sad, but Sesselav only reminded herself that trees brought forests, and forests brought wetter climates. Wetter climates brought...well, wet. Sesselav wasn't completely against water, she knew that it kept things clean, and that you needed to drink it to survive...but the fact that her people sank to the bottom like rocks factored in for her just a little bit. Humans were lucky...they had the ability to float. Sesselav envied that about humans.

"Because I am not alone Hasea. I am happy because I have someone to share my travels with, and I am not wandering aimlessly with my thoughts alone." Sesselav simply spoke her mind. It was true, she had Hasea here, she had a friend basically to accompany with her. Not another queen, not a worker or a drone, but a friend. An equal. She had someone that was understanding, sympathetic, someone who wasn't afraid, jealous, or in forced awe of. She was just...Hasea.

It was nice.

"It is funny to think that in my travels, in my hopes to find a way back, or to start a colony, I would find you, a woman who...is a colony..." She didn't want to play lightly on the fact that Hasea was infested...but it was so interesting that the two of them had come together. A queen and a colony.

It'd make a nice poem.

[Anonymous]

"I know... Just how you feel..." Hasea smiled and moved as if she was about to hug Sesselav, then realised what she was doing and controlled the urge. They'd known each other, what, maybe an hour? It was far too soon for that kind of display. She clutched her hands together in front of her and grinned awkwardly.

She was a little saddened to be reminded of the bugs. She was so used to them now that a lot of the time she forgot they were there. Still, it was an accurate observation, one that she'd made herself. "They call that... Irony... Don't they? Or maybe... A sign..."

As she spoke, the swarm clustered together and shot off across the plain, buzzing noisily. Hasea blinked. This wasn't particularly unusual, but it wasn't a daily occurrence either. However, to someone who hadn't lived with them, it might seem like strange behaviour. She turned to Sesselav and explained, "They've... Found something..."