OpeN. ThE. DooR. Nehru!

[Anonymous]

(SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!! This is the courtesy misspelling post! In this post, "the" will be spelled "teh" just to annoy the spelling-conscious reader! How long can you last before your eyes start bleeding? Enjoy!)


I have a name, but if I told you I'd have to kill you.
...
My name is Dirk. No last name, just Dirk. I live in darkness, walk in darkness, sleep in darkness, use teh commode in darkness. Darkness, darkness, darkness.
I have no past, it's all shrouded in darkness.
Darkness, everybody. Darkness.
And that's why I chose to become an assassin. I've trained since I was just a small infant by myself down in teh ruins of an ancient abandoned city by teh side of a rushing river next to teh large waterfall in a crater hidden behind a ring of mountains in teh middle of teh desert in a pit of DARKNESS. I lived there for many years, and hired out as an assassin ever since. I have lost my feelings of love and joy and everything fluffy like that. I'm cold and vicious now. I would sooner kill someone than talk with them-
!!!!
Nehru threw open teh doors to the tavern, teh loud crashing effectively destorying Dirk's thought monologue. Everybody in teh bar glanced towards teh front doors to see what all teh ruckus was, and Nehru just blinked.
She cupped her hands around her mouth like a mock-up megaphone and paced around teh bar, saying enticingly, "Here Drow...come here, Drow. We need teh MacGuffin...calling all Drow..."
Dirk centered his gaze back on teh mug of hogwash (<- mouthwatering, ain't it?) in front of him on teh bar, thinking to himself: She's too loud, and attracts too much attention to herself. If she comes this way, I should kill-
Nehru plopped down in teh seat next to Dirk on teh bar, saying to herself, "Ugh...this is pointless...there aren't any Drow around here..."
Dirk stuck his finger into teh mug and stirred it to make it seem like he was busy, thinking to himself: She better not talk to me, or she won't live to regret-
"You wouldn't happen to have seen any Drow around here, have you?" Nehru asked Dirk, as she rested her head on her hand.
...
...
"No, not really," said Dirk gruffly.
Nehru raised an eyebrow at teh darkly clad man, wondering why he had his finger in his drink. But nevertehless (<- clever), she stood up and replied, "Ah well, thank-"
"Stop!" Dirk snapped sharply.
Nehru's body froze like a deer in teh headlights, her eyes darting around as if she were on drugs. "What?"
Dirk glanced left and right, then leaned into Nehru's ear and whispered, "I could have killed you at least 210 times just now."
...
Nehru blinked, and with shifty eyes and a confused grin responded, "Um...okay...I'll just be going now-"
"Stop!" Dirk snapped sharply
Nehru moved teh whole length of an inch before freezing again and asking, "What?"
Dirk glanced left and right, then leaned into Nehru's ear and whispered, "I'd rather kill someone than talk to them."
...
"That's...nice to know, heh heh..." said Nehru awkwardly as she attempted to move away-
"Stop!" Dirk snapped sharply.
"What now??" Nehru inquired forcefully.
Dirk glanced left and right, then leaned into Nehru's ear and whispered, "You look like you need some help. I'm hired."
...
"Waitaminute..." Nehru started critically with furrowed eyebrows. "Did you just hire yourself?? You can't do that! It's...it's just against teh rules of everything that makes sense!"
"You can when you're the best," answered Dirk smugly. "And besides, I need a job."
"Then work at McDonald's. Hey, and I thought you said 'You'd rather kill someone than talk to them.'"
Dirk raised an eyebrow and replied, "Well, I have a confession to make. We assassins act all hard and cold and like really big rocks, but we just want someone to lo-...oh, I mean, we need people to give us stuff to do. Yeah. Stuff. Yeah, that's all."
Nehru nodded her head slowly, "You need a shrink. Don't you think that's just a little bit more than slightly paradoxal...?"
"It comes with teh job," admitted Dirk. "So, I'm gonna follow you around whether you like it or not."
"Great..." mumbled Nehru-
"Stop!" Dirk snapped sharply.
He glanced left and right, then leaned into Nehru's ear and whispered, "I could have killed you at least 347 times just now."
...
"I'm going..." Nehru mumbled to herself as she headed towards teh front doors.
"My going rate is two-thousand gold an hour-" started Dirk as he tagged along.
"Quiet..." Nehru growled in response.
"Did I ever tell you I know karate?"
"I don't care..."
"I can see through walls..."
"Shut up, geez!"
"And sneak around in combat boots without making a sound-"
"La, la, la, la, I can't hear you."


(Teh, teh, teh! Mwahahaha!)

[Anonymous]

Teh (<- Don't be alarmed. This is a legitimate typo. Carry on.) front door closed behind them.
For someone that would rather kill than talk, Dirk sure had a lot to say. In an effort to curb the raging flow of gloating spilling out of the assassin's mouth, Nehru inquired exasperatedly, "Look. You said you were gonna help me or something to that effect, right? Well, I really need to find out where the Drow are so I can get the MacGuffin."
Dirk scratched his chin, "Hmm..." He looked around and shrugged. "I really don't know where these Drow are."
Un-be-lievable.
Nehru looked incredulous. "But you just got through telling me that you were a Master Tracker! Can't you find them?"
Dirk suddenly had shifty eyes. "Well, I have a confession to make. I'm uh...really not a Master Tracker; the author just always me in the right place at the right time and makes it seem like I am."
Nehru smacked her face. "Preposterous..."
"ROCK ON! OOOWWW!!" was the loud yell of F-Zero X followed by an intensely loud series of guitar riffs.
"So! Any luck? Any luck? I got my Chainsaw of Demon-Slaying +5 nice and ready!" came the eccentric and manic voice of Kelly as she pulled the chainsaw's cord.
*VRIP!*
*RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!*
...
"Where did you two come from...?" Nehru asked deadpan, staring at them with that 'Not again...' face.
"We'll always be close by! We gotta make that soundtrack you know! OW!" explained X in his own special way.
"Oh yeah...of course," replied Nehru as she scratched the top of her head. "Then...where'd you go?"
"To the record label!" answered Kelly.
"Ok..." Nehru started-
"Stop!" Dirk snapped sharply.
Everyone froze.
Dirk glanced left and right, then leaned into F-Zero's ear and whispered, "I could have killed you at least 402 times just now."
...
"I think I need a change of underpants," squeaked X.
Nehru rolled her eyes. "Oh don't take that guy seriously..."
"You dare mock me! I challenge you to a joust!" challenged Dirk.
Nehru blinked. "Um...hello? Assassins don't joust. Knights joust."
The cold sweat of humility rolled down his forehead. "Oh...well... this one does! Come! WE JOUST!!"
Nehru asked flatly, "Do you have any idea of what you're doing?"
Thinking of a masterful comeback, Dirk explained, "Yes! Hear me out. We assassins study all forms of combat and martial arts. That way, should our shady tactics fail us, which almost certainly happens around a bunch of conveniently placed, random bad guys, we can dispatch all of them in a spectacular show of martial arts prowess!"
Nehru smacked her face again. "Why do I bother?" She dragged her hand down off of her face. "Look, we just need to find the MacGuffin. That's all. Can you please do something constructive?"
Dirk rubbed his chin. "Actually...there is someone I know that may be of help..."
The assassin took a little black address book out of his back pocket and flipped through it-
"You have an address book?" inquired Nehru accusingly.
Dirk quickly stuffed it away and snapped, "You saw nothing! Nothing!" Then, with shifty eyes, said, "Let's go."
"Go where?" asked Kelly-
"Stop!" Dirk snapped sharply.
Everyone froze.
Dirk glanced left and right, then leaned into Kelly's ear and whispered, "I could have killed you at-"
*POP!*
Dirk staggered back, holding his face. "Ow! You poked me in the eye!"
"Yeah! Just go ahead and try that with me! I got something for ya!" threatened Kelly as she bounced around like a boxer.
"Can we just go...?" pleaded Nehru.


(Introducing something new and exciting! The Post-Post Tidbit, where the curious reader can pick up all sorts of side-story treats! Enjoy!
-Xxerth)

Post-Post Tidbit: Taking a peek in Dirk's address book.
Drizzt Do'Urden - Let's get stoned again sometime.
Sir Lancelot - You can't run from me, ya pussy!
Rikimaru - Your application for becoming a Tenchu: Stealth Assassin was denied.
Melissa - Call me ;)
Dracula - Stop stealing my lines, Dirk.
Van Hellsing - Shut up, Dracula.
The Rock - You smell what The Rock is cookin'?
*fwip!*
"You saw nothing! Nothing!" - Dirk.

[Anonymous]

(For those of you who remember Portraits of Odium, this one's for you)

"Buddy Lee?" asked Nehru quizzically as she cocked her head to the side.
"Thaz righ'! Lee's ma name, bein' yer buddy's ma game!" replied the old, dirty trenchcoat clad pusher. He grinned and chuckled when he looked at Dirk, "Ah...see yaz brought some more friends! Whatz it gonna be for ya? A lil' more weed for you and Drizzt to sm-?"
"Silence about that!" snapped Dirk to the old man.
"This is the guy that's supposed to help us?" inquired Nehru to Dirk-
Before Kelly bounced over to Buddy Lee and asked excitedly, "What do you got, huh? Lemme see!"
Buddy smiled from ear-to-ear. "Glad ya asked!" he replied before he whipped open the flaps of his coat-
"Dude!" X exclaimed.
"Oh my-!" started Nehru.
"Buddy!" chastised Dirk.
"I'm scarred for the rest of my life..." muttered Kelly in horror as she clapped her hands over her eyes.
Lee had no idea what the big problem was, "What?" until he felt a rather cold draft of air. "Ah shucks, so I fergot ma underpants this mornin'."
"Leave it to Dirk to find us a naked, old man for help..." mumbled Nehru. Then, to Buddy Lee while trying to avoid eye contact, "Look, um, Mr. Lee...we need some help-"
"And I gots plenty!" announced Lee. "I gots here some sticky icky, razzle dazzle, paint thinner, gobblesmokers, pixy stix, Rhi treats, superCandles, Goldie-locks, Darthweed, Aethyr's remix, Tal-Yer-Feras, trauma Blue-z's, wild Jesters, Hylian blow, lucky 16's, crazy Kanina's, Dread Mina's, wack Jezzika's, biggie Annoth's, sha-bam Xellos', bad Xxerth's-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just - stop!" Nehru interrupted urgently. "We not looking for all of that...stuff. I was just told by a certain reliable friend of mine," she glared back at Dirk, who was engaged in a vicious game of thumb wrestling with himself, "that you might know something about the Drow or the MacGuffin."
"Know?" scoffed Buddy Lee, then he grinned and added, "Like tha back my hand! Check it out, I gots here a map that'll-"
"NO!" exclaimed Nehru, F-Zero, and Kelly in unison.
Buddy blinked. "Wha? Why no?"
"We can't use a map yet!" explained X.
"Why?" inquired Buddy.
"'Cause we don't have the expansion pack for Spirits of the Earth yet!" helped Kelly.
"Well why didn't ya say so? I gots that too!" Lee announced excitedly, chuckling a bit afterwards.
"YOU DO???" exclaimed Nehru, F-Zero, and Kelly in unison again.
"Let me see here..." said Lee to himself as he rummaged through his old, nasty coat. "Oh, no, waitasec. This is EverQuest. But what tha crap, eh? EverQuest, Spirits of the Earth, it's all the same thing right?"
"Nevermind...just forget about the map," resolved Nehru. "Do you have anything else that could help us?"
"Well, just give me a minute here..." said Buddy as he searched some more through his coat of wonders. "Oh! Wait! Waitaminute! Ah-hah!"
"What? What?" inquired Nehru curiously.
"I think this'll do tha trick righ' here!" Buddy chuckled as he extracted a small vial from his coat. "A single shot of Deus Ex Machina!"
Nehru blinked, then slowly raised an eyebrow. "A single shot of...what?"
"Deus Ex Machina!" repeated Lee. "Trust me! This stuff righ' here is bound to solve all yer single dose problems!"
What better choice was there?
"You're right, Xxerth. What better choice is there?" said Dirk.
Nehru glanced over at the assassin with a questioning face. "Don't tell me you talk to these author people too..."
Dirk had those shifty eyes again. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Nehru sighed, then looked back to Buddy Lee. "Alright, I'll take it."
"See tha green? Heh heh..." said Buddy Lee, all business to the core.
"Stop!" Dirk snapped sharply.
Everyone froze.
Dirk glanced left and right, then leaned into Buddy Lee's ear and whispered, "I could have killed you at least 2,736 times just now."
...
"That's what ya said last time, son," replied Buddy. "An' no more credit this time! Yer friend Drizzt is po' enough as it is."
"Foiled again," cliched Dirk as he snapped his fingers.
!!!!
It was just then that Nehru remembered something important: The Principle of Untold Detail.
The green was there and it wasn't there...
The green was there and it wasn't there...
"Here's the green," announced Nehru as she pulled some out of her coat pocket.
Lee just gave her a deadpan look. "...That's broccoli."
"Oops," said Nehru as she realized this too. She dropped the vegetables and stuck her hand back into her coat pocket.
*tick* *tick* *tick* *Bing!*
"Here you go," offered Nehru as she actually extracted some real money this time.
"There's tha good stuff!" chuckled Buddy as he exchanged the single shot for the cash. He tipped his hat to Nehru, even though he didn't realize he wasn't wearing one, and spoke excitedly as he pocketed the cash. "Thanks, girl. Just 'member who your buddy is! I gotta run now! Gots to practice my getaway strats!"
Buddy instantly whirled around and started to make off with surprising speed for an old timer.
"Watch out for that-!" started F-Zero.
*SMACK!*
"Fence..." finished F-Zero.
Buddy, lying flat on his back with a shiny new bump on his forehead, mumbled, "My name is George...but I wanna be called Skull Crusher..." He was obviously out of it.
Nehru stared at the vial of stuff. This was going to solve her problem...great.
"Red pill," she said for good luck as she opened the vial and downed its contents.
Mmm...tasted like convenience.
(Awesome translocation sequence to the home of the Drow! THE CAVES!!!)