To Dimitri, from Niamh

[Rhindeer]

[Sent via...um...a magic post office! Yeah! <strike>Shh, I'm sleepy.</strike> And scrawled in a hand that is messy from an obvious lack of practice, but otherwise legible.]

Dimitri -

So, hi! I meant to send something like this earlier, way earlier, but...

Right. This is awkward. I'll just cut to the chase.

I can understand if you'd rather just throw this away, considering who it's from. But please at least read this before you do. Not that there's much. I don't really know what to say except that I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry. That goes to everybody. You, Vulcan...

I don't know what you've heard, or even if you've heard anything but if you have I swear it was all an accident and totally not my fault. I really didn't know any of this was going to happen--well, obviously not, I was kind of <strike>jumped</strike>kidnapped twice. But if you've heard anything, I know it'll probably look really bad from the outside looking in and I feel like I at least owe you an explanation from the other side. I don't know if it'll make anything better, but I think you at least deserve to know why.

Okay, so maybe I do have more to say than just sorry.

Let me try and explain.

What the Lumenari is doing, I can't support it anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is that after experiencing for myself what we do to other people from someone who thought *I* was the heathen, it kind of made me realize a lot of things. We do the same things. It's just different when you're on the other end of it and you'd have to be blind if THAT didn't put things in perspective. I'm okay now, I got out of it and I was more scared than actually hurt and they say you grow from your trials, right? But I just can't do that anymore. It's wrong, but for a lot more reasons than just that. There was a point the first time I got dragged away where I was willing to die for our cause if it came to it and thought I was going to, even the second time, but now, well, I guess I've just seen too much. That's an understatement.

A lot has changed. I really didn't do a good job explaining, but there's a lot I really can't say.

Anyway, that's one of the reasons I can't go back, don't want to go back. I could have returned; I admit I had the chance a few times. But I didn't. I'm doing fine, though. I know what I'm doing. I couldn't go back now even if I wanted to, for a lot of reasons. I don't think you'd like any of them.

But if you've made it this far this got way longer than I planned I have a favor to ask. The next time you're in Solis, could you or someone at least just let my parents know I'm alive and all right? I don't know if this kind of message would reach as far as Solis.

I know that's asking a lot and it's okay if you don't want to. But I still view you all as friends and I still have a lot of fond memories even if I know I've kind of betrayed you I guess. You guys still mean a lot to me, you were like a second family. And I'm still really sorry. But sometimes things just don't go like you've planned, and sometimes it's for the better, too.

Take care, guys.

Blessed be the Light,
Niamh

[Tally]

[A messenger phoenix flies up to Niamh and engulfs itself in flame.  From the fire comes Dimitri's voice.]

"No one leaves. No one leaves and lives.  The next time I see you I'll kill you, bitch. You're a deserter. You won't even have the dignity of being burned alive 'cause I'll cut your fucking head off when I find you!

We're justified in what we do.  She said it Herself.  I knelt before Her and She spoke the words to me.  How can you be so weak??  How can you let yourself be misled like this?? If people get hurt, if they die, it's because they deserve it.  They could save themselves if they wanted to.  She could save them if they'd accept it.  But no, they're too prideful and foolish and they live only for themselves.  Life is nothing if you don't use it to serve something greater than yourself!

And you'd better pray I don't see your family 'cause if I do I'm gonna tell them what a worthless cunt their daughter is!  I'll tell them you chose to leave your own people to whore yourself out to barbarians!"

[A new voice cuts in, easily recognizable as Speaks the Light's.]

"Dimitri, enough."

"Fuck off, you don't have any authority to interfere in military matters. Get out."

"Dimitri.  Breathes the Fire has—"

"I don't care!!"

[Words can no longer be made out by this point, but Speaker's calm voice can be heard alternately with Dimitri's shouting. Finally there is the sound of a door slamming, then a sigh, and the next voice is Speaker's alone.]

"Forgive him, daughter.  It wounds him, you see.  His anger only comes from the pain of seeing you overcome by lies.  He thought you had great potential, you know.  Regardless, be at peace that the Lumenari will not pursue you.  The Mother Herself has spoken and by Her word you may yet live, and even be allowed to return to the faith and Her benevolent radiance if you so choose.  Remember always that though She embodies the flames of righteous anger, so too is She the essence of forgiveness.

You may come to La'marri without fear if you have unfinished business there, or if you merely wish to talk or are in need of counsel. You have Breathes the Fire to thank for this.  It was he who, after much prayer and meditation, beseeched the Mother to stay the military's hand against you as a deserter, for he believes that you yet have a role to play in Her divine plan.

For as you know, all things serve that plan, whether they know it or not, for do not unbelievers walk beneath Her every day as well? So you see, you serve her still, no matter how much you would like to claim otherwise, no matter how you would like to fight it.

The Light illume you, daughter."

[The message over, the phoenix consumes itself, leaving nothing but ashes behind.]

[Rhindeer]

[Yet another note, this one more hastily scribbled and a bit difficult to read--probably the result of a shaky hand]

Speaks the Light -

Thank you, Father. Please thank Breathes the Fire for me until I can thank him myself. I really appreciate this. I know I don't deserve it, and I suppose I should have expected that reaction. I understand though. I don't blame him, I deserved that. I deserted. We're brothers and sisters under the Light, and I deserted.

I knew what the consequences were when I did it, too. I can't pretend to be innocent, the Mother knows the heart, and in light of that...I appreciate this all the more. Thank you for showing me Her mercy.

Light, this isn't easy...

I have a question, though: say I come to La'marri--I'm not saying I will, just *if* I do--will I be allowed to leave? Would I have yours and Breathes the Fire's word that no harm would come to me or anyone with me and that we'd be allowed to leave unharmed? If I come. <strike>I'm just</strike> This gives me a lot to think about. I have a lot of questions, but I need to think everything over before I decide anything.

One last request.

This is going to sound so stupid and trivial in light of everything and I don't know where everyone is right now, but just in case, do you think you can make sure Dimitri *doesn't* go anywhere near my family? On second thought I think right now it's preferable they <strike>think I'm</strike> <strike>dead</strike> <strike>lost</strike> <strike>missing</strike> don't know my <strike>condition</strike>situation.

Thank you again.

The Light illume you, Father,
Niamh

[Tally]

<I>[It is several days before another phoenix arrives, once again from Speaks the Light.]</I>

"Forgive my delayed reply, daughter." <I>[He sighs.]</I> "These have been…a trying few days.

Of course, we do not presume to say who may enter and leave La'marri, but as Dimitri has taken every opportunity to inform me, this is a military operation and there are matters of security to consider.  Only you will be allowed among us.  Any companions traveling with you will have to remain in the village proper.  This is best for everyone's safety.  You will come and go unheeded, for that was Her word and that is what shall be done.  It may be overwhelming to know that Her thoughts were on you so directly, that She spoke of you.  That is the incredible reality we face now our Mother walks the earth in flesh.  

I hope you understand that matters of faith are not always so simple as right and wrong.  I sense you are yet troubled, and I will do what I can to help.  Perhaps I can give you the answers you seek.

Do not concern yourself over what Dimitri may say to your family.  You know how his tempers are.  He is quick to anger, quick to forget.  And…he has had tragic news from home that is preoccupying his mind above all else.  I have never seen him melancholy before…"

<I>[His voice, pensive and full of concern, trails off and is followed by a few moments of heavy silence.]</I>

"I look forward to speaking with you should you decide to come.  May She shine upon you always."

[Rhindeer]

[A couple days later, yet another message comes, hastily written.]

Speaks the Light -

I understand. That's all I wanted to know, and that's way more than I expected, too.

I have some things to take care of around here, some issues to sort out first, but I'll be there when I can. Or I'll try to at least. It's going to be difficult though <strike>my friend's not going to like this</strike>. I do have a lot of questions, like I said, but I think I'd rather ask them out loud than in writing. I'm pressed for time right now and I can't really get everything across very well like this.

What happened isn't any of my business and I'm not one to pry, but send Dimitri my condolences. I know he probably doesn't want them from me, but I mean it. I can't say I know how he feels, but I know how important family is. I'm really sorry to hear about that, whatever it is that happened.

~ Niamh