The day was grey, with a cool breeze coming from the North. Most were excited for the spring thaw, but groans were heard when frost and a light dusting of late winter snow coated the grounds. It curled some of the early blooming flowers that had been stretching their colors towards the warmth of the sun, but today was a day he'd see no colors.
The events that transpired between he and Kathryn left him festering, mentally, and externally. He had been a fool for too long, and he didn't know which was to go- but up. And without his trusty grappling hook, things would not be easy.
But the King of Thieves prided himself on a challenge...
And he knew his life would not be as it were were he to ever take the quick road.
Victory was so much sweeter after the battle. It was only then you truly knew of it's worth.
But this? This battle of love, of hate, ofwhatever it was between he and the Grand Duchess Kathryn-
He needed to find out what it all meant, what it could be-
And her with child or not, he'd find her again as he always did.
ANd if he were to be hung...
Perhaps now would be the time.
He owed her more than just that, and the apology weighed heavily upon him for it was not yet given. And though some time had passed, he still did not know the words he'd choose. So when he found himself within her room, standing near the window, with his back to the faint light and his body shrouded in shadows, it was there he studied her sleeping form.
And it appeared as if she were having a dream. And nothing pleasant. He saw the way her brows furrowed as she slept, and though she was younger than him by years, her furrowing actually drew out a few wrinkles he had yet to notice.
It reminded him too much of his own aging, and he moved a finger forward and pressed it gently between her brows in hopes to cease the creasing, and to make her face more at rest.
She deserved sweet dreams anyway-
For to him, she had revealed, how much her life had been a curse.
It was the pressure against her forehead, though gentle, that awakened her from her slumber. The dream itself was vague, a feeling of mounting dread, of being hunted, of eyes everywhere in a darkened, mist-covered world...and so she was grateful to be torn from it so suddenly. Already, it was fading from her mind as her eyes fluttered open to something she had not expected to see...
"...Dekka?" Her voice was still heavy with sleep, and, for a moment, she thought this was yet another dream that had become entangled somehow with the first. The blanket shifted, exposing her to the cool air outside her blankets, then, and leaving goosebumps in its wake. She shivered involuntarily -- no, this was no dream.
"What are you doing here?" There was no accusation in her tone: it was just a question, a curiosity, that she would find her former lover in her bedroom. There was a smile as well, a smile she had always worn just for him.
He didn't answer her at first, simply staring at her, studying that face that he had ached for so long to see. He was afraid, if he were to speak, he'd ruin the moment- and she'd disappear from his life like foam from the sea. Instead, he simply stared at her, something quite un-Dekka like of him. But his eyes spoke volumes, asking so many questions his lips dare not.
For you.
I am here to see you.
I've missed you.....
.... I couldn't stay away.
Kathryn's eyes softened as she looked up at him, searching for something concrete for her to grab onto. The silence between them felt heavy, but comfortable, like a cloak wrapped around them in the winter.
Until it was broken, that is, with a soft cry from the other end of the room. Kathryn's eyes darted to the crib, and then she offered Dekka an apologetic smile as she pushed back the covers. From the crib, she lifted a tiny child, who quieted immediately and snuggled herself into Kathryn's arms.
"Dekka, this is my daughter. Myla. She cries when we put her down -- but as long as someone's holding her, she's an angel." Returning to the bed, Kathryn sits on the edge and tilts the tiny bundle so that she can see Dekka. "Myla, this is Mommy's best friend." Her only friend, really.
The sound of the child made him tense. But he was not surprised. Everyone knew of the birth. Watching Kathryn hold her child, however, was a lot more painful than he could have imagined. And a lump sealed in his throat, forbidding him still, to speak.
Kathryn rocked the child gently in her arms, as much to keep herself occupied as to comfort the child. Looking up at last, she said softly, "You can sit, you know." She glanced meaningfully to the mattress beside her, the back to Dekka. "Please."
In silence, he obeyed, watching her and the child still. It was a sight, something unusual for him to witness- a woman and child. They seemed so perfect together. And he began to wonder what he was doing here.
"I don't suppose you want to hold her?" There was a simple serenity to the offer, a simple statement of trust in that she would allow him to hold her daughter. But he was, after all, her best friend -- the only one she had ever opened up to, who knew everything about her and all of her secrets. She had long ago stopped viewing him as a dangerous mage -- he had been the only thing in this world that she could cling to for a very long time, and that gave him a special place in her heart, regardless of the circumstances.
At such a question, did his eyes finally lift from child to mother. His brows raised as he offered her a cautious smile.
"I'm afraid I wouldn't know how."
"She isn't as delicate as she looks." She was a few months old now, robust and healthy with a set of lungs that could wake the dead. She was strong and already pretty, promising to grow to be a great beauty some day. "Here." Apparently, she took his smile for consent. Without much more warning, she deposited the little girl into Dekka's arms. (The girl, of course, blinked cautiously up at the man, then announced her delight with a giggle and outstretched, tiny hands.) Kathryn's laughter followed, and she smiled encouragingly. "She likes you."
Before he could protest-
Baby.
There was a baby in his arms. The scent, new to him, was not unwelcome, but all things considered, he still felt out of place. Though the child's hesitation lasted much shorter than his, and the smile on her face- he could see her mother in their. And it was in that moment, he remembered again, all of his mistakes done to Kathryn. All of the pain she must have suffered, and all of the guilt and remorse that...
This child was not his.
No, any chance of that died with their memories long ago.
But Dekka was Dekka, and at such a comment he had to smirk.
"That's because she's as naive as her mother. Get a good looking guy with a wit, and just about any lady would swoon."
"I certainly hope she's more sensible than I am," Kathryn answered his expected comment with a grin. But, then, the Chandos women were known to be rather wild... "And I certainly hope I don't try to push her into it by becoming my shrew of a mother." Oh, wouldn't that be terrible? To be as smothering and insist on behaving like a proper young lady even behind closed doors?
"But, I'm sure you didn't come to see Myla. And here I am, forcing you to hold her and gushing over her." She gave her head a slight shake, as if this were an old argument with herself. After all, this wasn't her first child...
He gave a brief, breathy laugh.
"That's for damn sure. But in a sense, I did." ANd he lifted his gaze from child, to mother, and offered her back to her arms.
"I know everyone knows you had a baby. It's... one thing to hear it. It's another to actually see that it's true."
"Well, very little that I do remains a secret for long," Kathryn answered warmly, voice trailing off as she resettled the girl in her arms. Once Myla was comfortable again, she offered, "But I'm glad you came. I wondered if I would see you again."
She made it sound like a simple fact -- and, to her, it was. She hadn't liked how they had left things, doubtless no more than he did. But it had been necessary. If she hadn't gone... Well, she was convinced it could not have ended happily for them.
He knew that all too well. Their relationship, after all, was the biggest rumor of them all! And though it was an ego boost, he was only knowing now on just how it was leaving scars.
"Your daughter seems happy." He paused. Though he never considered either becoming a parent (especially not himself.. and though her duty was to.create an heir...)
He lifted his gaze to her.
"I hope she makes you happy."
Yes, Myla did seem happy -- but the little girl was already dreadfully spoiled, and she was still so young!
Instead, Kathryn nodded slightly, understanding what he was really asking. "She does," she answered softly with a smile that was both happy and sad. Most people would never believe that Dekka had a sweet side -- hell, there were times she didn't believe it herself.
"Having a child... There's nothing like it. It makes the whole world look different somehow. Brighter. Simpler." Myla wrapped her tiny fingers around Kathryn's braid, burying her dainty fingers in the thick locks...but she only seemed to have eyes for Dekka, continuing to peer at him from beneath the blanket in which she was wrapped. "And slightly more painful." This last came through gritted teeth as she gently pried her hair away from the baby's playful tugs.
"What about you, Dekka? Have you made your fortune yet?"
At such a question, the idea of fortune seemed hollow. But he gave a forced, 'Dekka' smile anyway.
"I don't think my fortune's meant to be got."
Kathryn's own gaze softened, and her smile nearly faltered. "I know. And I'm sorry. I wish... If things had been different..." If she had said no to Calent's proposal, if she had been the daughter of a commoner, if he hadn't been away during that dark time, if he hadn't attended that first ball -- or any of the balls after... Looking at it, it was a miracle they'd ever fallen for each other, really -- if only one thing had been different, they never would have met, much less come to care for each other as much as they did...
"Wish?" he gave a dry laugh. "Save those ideas for your daughter, for we both fucking know that's not what this world is made of. And you don't have to apologize.." And here, his eyes becoming alive like the gentle burning of a flame, he said to her, "Because it is not yours to give. I knew from the beginning I couldn't have you. Hell, if you were obtainable, we probably never would have fucking met. But we already chose our paths, Kathryn."
And though he said this all angrily, with some venom, the last part he spoke, was much softer.
"I'm the one who should be fucking sorry."
After all, he was the one to allow her to play with him in this game.
Moisture gleamed in her eyes suddenly, but no tears fell. Instead, she reached out to twine her fingers through his. "Don't, Dekka. There's nothing to apologize for. I've never felt more real than when I was with you. And, even if it was just for a little while, I'm grateful to you for that."
But she had changed, and, probably, not for the better...
His gaze bore into hers, unyielding and speaking in volumes on what words never could.
"I didn't want a fucking little while."
To him?
He wanted it all...
forever.
If even her moment of real caused for him to wish for a dream that could never come true.
"A little while was all we had," she answered reasonably, her own expression of pain reflecting his. "We tried. We both tried. It wasn't just the cucumbers that drove us apart." Her hand squeezed his softly, then withdrew. "We're too alike, I think, for it to really work -- and we're both set in our ways."
At that remark, he gave a brief, short laugh.
"Are you comparing yourself to the King of Thieves?"
"Would you disagree?" she wondered, her smile back once again. "In another life, I would have tried to challenge you for your title, you know. And I think I would have done quite well."
No doubt -- after all, he may be the better thief, but, in the very least, she knew how to distract him better than most.
"If you call getting fucked, doing well, then I'd agree."
"I don't think either of us would have minded," she answered with a soft sigh. It probably would have taken some time for them to wear each other out...
"I suppose you'll want your grappling hook back before you go?" Rising, she crosses to her jewelry box, and, after a moment, withdraws a key. "For the chest over there," she indicates, and then she holds it out to him.
For a long while he was silent, staring at her, then through her, and beyond. He didn't bother to look at the chest.
"Do you think I came all the way here for that?"
"Of course not, Dekka. You know I think more of you than that." She would leave it up to him whether or not he wanted it...
She settled back down on the bed, shifting the baby into her other arm as she did so. "Are you looking for a fight? I don't want to give you one, you know. The last time we saw each other... It was so awful and...stupid."
"You think I'd come all this way for a fight?" he smirked at that, staring down at her and the child.
Kathryn's expression was flat and unamused...except for that slight lift of her lips and the subtle glow in her eyes.
"Now, you're just being cute."
After all, they both knew what he had come for...but she didn't want to give him a fight. She wanted them to part as friends...perhaps, though, that was selfish of her.
"I wish you could stay, you know. I miss having someone to talk to."
"Talk?" his voice raised, amused and with question, his smile growing.
"Yes, talk," she affirms with a roll of her eyes, although her smile returned as well. "You're more than just a pretty face, you know." Her smile faded, and she sighed softly. It felt like they were dancing around the subject, both trying to delay the inevitable...
And she wanted desperately to go on delaying it... But that just wasn't the right thing to do, was it? And, at some point in her life, she had to grow up, had to do the right thing.
"So, this is goodbye then, isn't it?"
"Goodbye..." he shifted his weight, thinking over the thought as his eyes read across her form. Mother and child, lover and thief...
Perhaps the greatest thief here was she- and not the self proclaimed 'King of Thieves' standing before her. And though at first she started off as his conquest, in the end, it seemed he had gone too deep.
He promised not to love ever again, and he ring had been a reminder of that. Only fools fell in love, only fools went after a woman they could not have-
But that's what he was. A fool. And in the end, he became a famous fool. So he was known for attempting the impossible, he was known for being her lover in the knight- but in the end who was he fooling? In the end, would it even be as simple as goodbye?
"You think too little of our relationship," he went on, smiling, but it was a smile that did not reach his eyes. "It's not really goodbye until the King is dead." Because this sort of love... he knew he could carry to his grave. This was a love he could die for.
And he already knew his fate-
He would die young. And die for her. Whether it would be a broken heart or war, he was too invested. And he was a stubborn man. And he knew there was no way to turn back.
Child or not, that would just keep him away, but he'd always be watching. And he'd always come to her in his dreams.
Kathryn had held herself together remarkably well, she thought. She had been patient and to the point. And she had tried to be gentle.
But his answer causes a ripple in her mask. It's a brief glimmer of pain, and she glances away as though she'd been slapped.
Selfish. Both of them were selfish...
"No," she answers softly. "You think too much of me, Dekka. I'm not strong enough to do this. Not anymore. I'm certain it will drive me mad."
He held his smirk. "Of course I think of you. I think of you all the fucking time. That's the problem, isn't it? This wasn't supposed to be anything other than a fun romp in the sheets."
And now?
Now what was it?
"I know," she answers softly. She had thought that too: something fun, something selfish, something for her and for her alone that no one else knew about. Somewhere along the way, things had gotten tangled up, and she'd grown to love him... Hard to say when that had happened, exactly: she cared for her husband, had even fancied herself in love with him, but it had always lacked that spark she felt with Dekka. But she didn't know if it was never there...or if she had never given him the chance he deserved because of her feelings for a certain thief.
And she hated that.
If he had stayed away, would her life have changed for the better, or was he her anchor? He drove her crazy, but, at the end of the day, if not for Dekka, she would have burst a long time ago. And that was the worst part.
"Even if I knew all the things that were to come, I wouldn't have turned you away, Dekka. Other things, yes, I would have changed...but never you."
"You speak of change," he went on carefully, that same, forced smile on his lips. "But does that have to be an option?"
"I told you, Dekka," she began again, as if repeating herself might make him understand. "I can't keep doing this. Calent and I...for the first time I can remember, we're getting along. He's trying to change, trying to make it work. The least I can do is do the same for him." She stared down at the baby in her arms, who was cheerfully trying to eat her own blanket. "I can't help but think... If I had tried harder, if I hadn't been so in love with you... Maybe that's why things got so bad..."
It would never be a fairy tale love story between them...but if they could find some happiness, some common ground to stand on, as they had done for the last year or so, then maybe this wouldn't be so bad...
Dekka made a face, his surprise genuine.
"Are you blaming me for your husband's lack of empathy? For his lack of responsibility? Kathryn... he's the fucking Grand Duke..."
"Of course not! How could I blame you for that? For any of our problems?" She was aghast at the very thought!
"It's not your fault. But it is mine. At least, partly. I told myself our marriage didn't matter, that as long as we looked like the perfect couple to everyone, that was all that mattered. Because I had you. And then, all of a sudden, you were gone, and I was alone. And, by then, I had no idea how to pick up the pieces..."
Dekka grew stiff, even heated with anger, but at the last statement, it deflated some of that feeling as he looked her over.
"It only takes one time for a heart to break. Perhaps we were over then."
Maybe so. Maybe that was what had changed her, made her want more of him than he could possibly give. It wasn't his fault -- it wasn't either of them. As he had said, this was never supposed to go so far...
"We tried, didn't we, Dekka? I love you -- and I'll never stop looking for you in crowds or at balls." Her smile was bittersweet at the thought. "But I would just be a burden to you, wouldn't I? Even if I'm not pregnant or on the run."
Dekka gave her a smile, forced smile.
"I'm not exactly a man who cares about burdens." But then his eyes went down to her child. "Though... a child complicates things. Women become.... mothers then." he said, eyes now avoiding her's as he thought it over. But his eyes raised again to look at her.
"If you're asking me to stop coming to your window... that's not something I can do."
"But it's something you should do," she told him with a soft sigh. "And I'm the least of the reasons why. What if you're caught or hurt? You said yourself how dangerous it is in the capital..." Partly because he had performed an amazing escape act the last time he was here! He was very much a wanted man these days...
Dekka laughed, though it was kind of a cold laugh.
"You act as if I fear death."
What he truly feared was before him-
losing her.
And this, fundamentally, was their problem -- both of them. They were so selfish! And, she supposed, they each recognized that trait in the other...
"Dekka, if something happened to you because of me, it would kill me." And lead her to do foolish things again, like kill his executioner and guards. No, that had not been a very smart moment -- but she had pulled it off with a little luck.
He laughed.
"You couldn't die because of me," he reassured her. He looked down at her daughter. "You've got more important things to live for."
"There are more ways to die than to just stop breathing." She should know: she'd lived in the grave herself for a few years, back when she thought there was nothing left for her to lose. "What I'm saying is that I want you to be safe and happy somewhere. Even if it isn't here with me."
Dekka raised a brow, staring at her for a long while before saying, "You.... ask for a fucking lot from a guy."
"I'm the Grand Duchess. I suppose I'm accustomed to demanding a lot."
Her smile faded somewhat as she looked at him. He had been her everything for so long... Even this felt wrong. She wanted nothing more than to let go, to let him crawl into her bed and tear off her sleeping gown, to take her breath away as he had done so many times before. He had this way of mixing her up, of making it hard to choose between right and wrong. But...
"I'm not young anymore, Dekka."
"Yeah, well neither the fuck am I. I think our escapades are turning me grey. And fuck the creases cutting in around my mouth. Kathryn.... We're already too far fucking deep in this. To fucking want to end it now...."
He didn't know what to say and just set his jaw and looked at her, really looked at her as his green eyes simmered.
Kathryn rather liked those little creases...not to mention the ones around his eyes, too. They folded inwards in an echo of that grin she had grown so fond of over the years... But that wasn't the point, was it?
"Then," she asked softly, sadly, "What can we do, Dekka?"
For a good long while he did not answer her. But when he did, he simply shrugged.
"I always just figured we'd do the same fucking thing until the end. I know we can't be together, not like that.... but we can be together in moments. And fuck... Kathryn.. that's good enough for me. I'm not the sort of man you can pin down, but fuck it, Kathryn, don't tell me not to come to your window. Let me in. Let me stay, and each morning I'll be gone, like your dreams, just memories of yesterday."
"And what about my husband?" It wasn't so simple as it used to be, back when she and Calent were simply married and not in love... But... "He doesn't sleep well at night. And neither do I." A hint of a smile tugged on the corner of her mouth, though it was a sad one. "We keep each other company. And, Dekka, I don't think I want to give that up."
"I never said you had to give up your fuckin' crown," Dekka retorted with a sneer.
"What do you think we've been doing all this time? We might be from two very different fucking worlds, but Kathryn..."
And here he actually found himself laughing.
"You're the fucking world to me. I don't know how it happened. Considering you were just another fucking challenge for me. And I guess.. fuck..."
"Maybe I just got carried away..."
"What I mean," Kathryn said with as much gentleness as she could manage, "Is that Calent and I are making this work. It hasn't been easy, but he's let me into his life. And I've let him into mine. We're talking and being honest with each other...and I'm happy. That's what I want...not someone who comes and goes. I want something permanent." And she knew as well as he did -- Dekka could not give her that. All circumstances aside, it wasn't in his nature.
Dekka laughed at that, but it was hollow.
"And after all these years.. you'd believe him?"
Kathryn exhaled softly and, turning, set her daughter down in the middle of the bed. The girl cooed in protest, but Kathryn offered her a smile and a tickle, and the girl gurgled her pleasure and remained quiet. Once she was once again happily distracted, Kathryn rose.
She smoothed down her dressing gown with her palms, then met Dekka's eyes squarely. "Dekka, I'd still be wasting away in a bottle hoping to die if it weren't for Calent. He's been patient with me, better than I deserve after what I've done to him. He gives me hope. He makes me want to be better, for him. Being with you..." She hesitated -- but it was time to admit it, wasn't it? "I feel better when you're here -- young, immortal, untouchable. And numb. And when you go, you take a part of me with you, and all I can think about is how badly I want you back...and until you come back, I close myself off from everything and everyone. Being with you is worse than the brandy ever was. Liquor was just a poor substitute until I could see you again. I can't go back to that. To either of those things."
Dekka flashed her a smile, but it was a cold one. At such a statement, he couldn't find the right words. He simply turned from her, to leave out the window, but paused and leaned against it's frame.
"All things considered... you've surprised me, Kathryn. Here I thought our relationship would go out in a blaze of glory."
He gave a hollow laugh.
"Now it's fate seems to be something that'll die off as unseen as the wind."