A Crash Course in How *Not* To Pick Up Girls

[Anonymous]

Zack and Lance had been wandering around the Dark Mage VIllage for a while, when they happened to spot a hot-piece-of-ass bartender inside a bar called "Sanguinarius." They were hopped up on pot and a few other things they couldn't remember the names of, and they thought it would be fun to go pester the bartender. They walked in to see her taking drink orders from people at tables, so they sat at one near the window, waiting on her to come over.

Alison: Hey, welcome to Sanguinarius. You guys look new, so let me tell you now, this is my bar. I own it, and I don't take shit from customers, so don't get cheeky. Anyways, what do ya want?

The part about not getting 'cheeky' went in one ear and out the other for Zack.

Zack: I'll have a beer. I don't need a glass, though; I'll just do some body shots off you.

Lance kicked him under the table, being at least a little aware of what she said. Zack laughed at being kicked. Alison, however, didn't look amused.

Alison: Look, it's been a long night. Cut the crap before I have to hurt you.

Zack: I can make the night even longer.

Alison: Are you deaf or something? I have a shotgun behind the counter, and I ain't afraid to use it on scum like you.

Zack: I'm not deaf now, but if you're a screamer then I might end up that way!

Alison glared at him before walking over to the counter. She started reaching for the shotgun, but instead whispered to some unruly-looking guy at the bar. He nodded and walked over the their table.

Lance: Look what you did now, dumbass!

Zack: What.

The man stood in front of the table and cracked his knuckles. Lance got up and ran outside, his chair clattering on the floor. Zack looked up at the guy, not really noticing how menacing and threatening the guy looked.

Zack: Hi guy! Say, where did the hot bartender lady go?

The man grunted before grabbing Zack and chucking him through the window. The glass in the windows popped out for emergencies, so it didn't shatter, just swung open as Zack came into contact with it. He flew out of the window and landed on the ground at Lance's feet.

Lance: That was smart.

Zack: Shut up. It's not my fault women are so uptight nowadays. When're they gonna realize that sleazy pick-up lines are a compliment? I mean God, if 'I wanna fuck you' isn't a compliment anymore, then I don't know what is.

[Anonymous]

Mizuumi decided, for no real reason, to go back tot he bar where he met Alison. As he walked up, he saw one guy run out the door, followed by another guy flying through the window.

He saw Alison through the window, smirking at the bouncer that tossed the guy through the window.

Mizuumi: Wow. I'm suddenly very glad I didn't piss her off before. Hey, those guys are hot. 'Specially the shirtless one. I think I'll go say 'hi.'

He walked over to the two men, and offered his hand to the one on the ground.

Mizuumi: Hi, I'm Mizuumi. What'd you do to piss off Alison?

[Anonymous]

(OOC: Not sure if I need a warning for this, but illegal drug use runs rampant with my two characters, so if that's a problem, just don't read any more of this thread. BTW, I don't share Lance and Zack's chauvanistic opinions, that's just how their characters are.)

Zack righted himself, dusting himself off and making sure he was still intact. After coming to the conclusion that he was, and after hearing someone speak to him, he began to answer... but was cut off by Lance.

Lance: Dipshit here started hitting on the bartender about half a second after she told him not to.

Zack: Girls always say that, but it's not like they mean it!

Lance: Yeah, well some women are too independent for their own good.

Zack: Damn right. *pause* Hey, I'm bleeding.

Zack reached into his back pocket and produced a joint, which he lit with a bit of fire magic. He brought the joint to his lips and inhaled deeply.

Lance: Hey, give me that!

Lance took the joint from him and put it in his mouth and taking a puff.

Zack: Tch, asshole.

Lance: Bite me.

Zack lunged at Lance's leg and bit it hard. Lance kicked him off.

Lance: I wasn't being serious, you dim-witted motherfucker!

Zack: Yeah, your mother!

Lance tried to kicke Zack again, but Zack jumped up and hid behind Mizuumi. He looked over Mizuumi's shoulder and stuck his tongue out at Lance.

[Anonymous]

Mizuumi couldn't help but laugh at the two men's little argument.

Mizuumi: Actually, some women do mean it when they say they don't wanna be hit on. I think I still have a scar somewhere from doing that. Anyways, who are you guys?

He stepped to the side so that the one man wasn't behind him anymore. He wouldn't have been surprised if one, or both, of them tried to jump him.

Mizuumi(thinking): They're high off who knows what, and I have long hair. They probably think I'm a girl. *pause* Although, they are hot, so I don't suppose it's that bad.

[Anonymous]

Zack laughed when Mizuumi ran away from in front of him.

Lance: I don't blame you, I wouldn't want him behind me either!

Zack flipped Lance off before reaching into his back pocket again, but finding nothing. He looked at Lance crazily.

Zack: That's the last one. Gimme the goddamn blunt.

Lance flipped Zack off in return and started walking away, blowing smoke rings to mock him. Zack took off running after him, tackling him to the ground and taking the joint away.

Zack: Ha! I have defeated you!

Lance rolled over and pinned Zack to the ground, taking it back and puffing on it.

Lance: That's what you think.

Zack grabbed the blunt and crawled out form under Lance. He hopped up and ran behind Mizuumi again.

Lance: Stop using civilians as shields, pussy!

Zack: It's my goddamn blunt, asshole!

Lance: I paid for it!

Zack: You did not, we found them in that girl's pants last week!

Lance: I brought the girl home!

Zack: She came home with the both of us!

Lance: Yeah, but I'm more attractive than you, so naturally she was following me.

Zack: Bullshit! She so liked me better! She screamed my name louder!

Lance: She did not! She said I was way better than you!

Zack shrugged before inhaling deeply, making the joint about a centimeter shorter.

Lance: You're gonna inhale that, and choke, and die. And I'll laugh at you.

[Anonymous]

Lance: You're gonna inhale that, and choke, and die. And I'll laugh at you.

Mizuumi almost died laughing.

Mizuumi:That would be funny. And I still don't know who you are, but, oh well. Hey, I've got an idea! You two wanna go back in the bar and play some cards, or somethin'?

[Anonymous]

Zack finished off the joint before spitting it out and stepping on it. Lance pouted for a moment before remembering something. He reached into his pocket before popping something into his mouth and swallowing.

Zack: Aww, I want one!!

Lance: Hell no! You wouldn't give me the blunt, so I'm not giving you any pills!

Zack: Aww! Pwease?

Lance: No. Burn in Hell.

Zack: Pweeease??

Lance: No. Fuck off.

Zack jumped on Lance's back and tried to stick his hands in Lance's pockets.

Lance: Ew, you little faggot! Got offa me and get outta my pants!

Zack: Then gimme the damn pills, jerk off!

Lance started running around in circles to get Zack off, but he wasn't letting go.

Lance: Get off me, goddammit!

Zack grabbed for Lance's pocket, this time getting in and grabbing a few pills, before jumping off his back and ran away from him a bit. He stuck his tongue out before popping three of the pills into his mouth and pocketing the other two.

[Anonymous]

Mizuumi: Wow. You guys are as amusing as Yamasakura.

He pointed at Zack's pocket.

Mizuumi: What are those? Ecstacy? Speed?

[Anonymous]

Zack: Who's Yamasakura? Sounds cute. Hey Lance, which pills are these?

Lance: I forgot. Do they say anything on 'em?

Zack: No. Hey, are these the ones that you have to hock up a gallon of spit just to say the name?

Lance: No, we left them at home. Those might by ecstacy. No, wait, I think it's LSD.

Zack: No fuckin' way it's LSD. I remember the last time I took LSD, and I was trippin' out off that shit. I saw talkin' trees an' shit. That junk wasn't even funny. I think it is ecstacy. We keep the speed at home, too, for girls with a lotta 'stamina.'

Lance: Yeah, it probably is ecstacy. Why, want some?

Lance extended his hand out to Mizuumi, one white pill resting in his palm.

Zack: Oh that's fuckin' great! You get all tight-assed whenever I, your best friend, wants some, but yet you just hand 'em out to perfect strangers! I fuckin' love you, too.

Lance: See that's why I didn't give you any. You're gonna start up that "I love you" shit.

Zack: Oh, fuck off! Don't give yourself so much goddamn credit.

[Anonymous]

Mizuumi: No, but thanks anyway.

He pushed Lance's hand away.

Mizuumi: Maybe some other time. I don't know about you guys, but I'm going in the bar for a drink. If you want something, I'll buy.

[Anonymous]

Lance: Eh, don't know what you're missing.

Lance popped the pills into his mouth. Then his mind remembered that Mizuumi invited them into the bar.

Zack: Yay! Free alcohol! And that hot bartender!

Lance slapped Zack and started dragging him away.

Lance: Sorry, but his ass isn't going anywhere near that bar. I think she's got a shotgun waiting for him.

Zack: I'm a masochist, I'll be okay!

Lance: There's a difference between masochism and getting your fucking arm blown off.

Zack: We have painkillers, right?

Lance: Not strong enough ones.

Zack: Don't worry, if she tries, I will deflect them with my head. You always said it was made of steel!

Lance: It's not the same.

/// Flashback \
Zack and Lance were in a bar. Blacklights were everywhere, and the few normal lights were low. A guy in black clothes with black hair and blue eyes stood behind them with a dagger through his shoulder. Zack and Lance were yelling at a guy in front of them.

Lance: You're gonna regret doing that!

Lance grabbed the guy's arm and twisted it behind his back. Zack pulled the dagger put of the black-haired man's shoulder and pointed it at the man Lance was holding.

Zack: What'sa matter, bitch, you can dish it out but ya can't take it?

The guy struggled against Lance and kicked at Zack, hitting him once hard in the chest, sending him backwards and making his head connect with the stainless steel bar.  A loud thud rang out and Zack was still for a moment. He hopped back up, blood pouring from his left temple, and got back into the fight.
/// End \

Zack: C'mon, I've done it before!

Lance: Yeah, and you're lucky you made it then. Your ass shoulda died.

Zack: Yeah, well I didn't. Now let's go to the bar.

Lance: No, let's go home. I'll teleport us there.

Zack: We have more drugs at home, and the girls are less... uptight, so I guess.

[Anonymous]

Zack: Don't worry, if she tries, I will deflect them with my head. You always said it was made of steel!

Mizuumi died laughing at that comment. He stood back up after a moment.

Mizuumi: I'll be right back. I prefer alcohol to durgs.

He ran inside the bar and returned a minute later with a bottle of sake. He opened it and took a swig.

Mizuumi: Okay, let's go.

[Anonymous]

A bartender other than Alison had given the bottle to Mizuumi, and he was hearing about it now.

Alison: Don't give alcohol to him!!

Lance looked at Mizuumi.

Lance: Did you piss her off, too?

Zack: Well, I don't think it's very hard to piss 'er off. She seems irritable.

Lance: Most people get that way when they're around you.

Zack: Hey, that's not fuckin' nice!

Lance: I thought I already said that I don't have to be nice to you.

Zack stuck his tongue out at Lance before darting over to Mizuumi and grabbing the bottle away. Lance popped him upside his head and handed the bottle back to Mizuumi.

Lance: Hey, he didn't take our drugs, so you ain't takin' his alcohol!

Zack: Why do I have to suffer just because he doesn't do drugs?

Lance: You have money, get your own damn drinks!

Zack: I was gonna, but you won't let me go into the bar!

Lance: I'm sure there's somewhere else around here that you can get a drink.

Zack: But I wanna go to that one!

Lance: How old are you, five?

[Anonymous]

Mizuumi: Actually, yeah I did, but I'm not really sure how.

Lance handed the bottle back to Mizuumi.

Mizuumi: You guys can have some if you want. It's a big bottle. Want any?

He took another long drink.

Mizuumi: Whoo! That was good!

[Anonymous]

Mizuumi: Whoo! That was good!

Lance arched an eyebrow.

Lance: You actually taste it? Damn, I normally down it too fast to be able to tell what it tastes like.

Zack: I taste it! I think alcohol tastes good! I've never had a drink I didn't like. And thank you Mizuumi, I think I will have a drink.

Zack snatched the bottle away from Mizuumi and took a rather long swig.

Zack: Hey, that is pretty good. Tastes... *licks his lips* rice-y.

Lance put a hand to his forehead.

Lance: Wow, that was the brightest thing you've said all day.

Zack: Yeah, I know, I know. I am the master of wit! Bow down to me, peasant!

[Anonymous]

Zack: Hey, that is pretty good. Tastes... *licks his lips* rice-y.

Mizuumi: Wow. Just... Wow.

Zack: Yeah, I know, I know. I am the master of wit! Bow down to me, peasant!

He fell down laughing. He stayed like that for a moent before standing up and brushing himself off.

Mizuumi: Yes. Yes you are.

He bowed. Then he heard a girl scream. He looked towards the bar.

Mizuumi: What the hell was that?

[Anonymous]

Lance: It's some chick screaming. Look, it's the Dark fucking Mage Village. Shit happenes here.

Zack: Yeah. She probably had it coming, anyways. Girls are stupid like that.

Lance: They sure as hell are.

Zack looked at Lance for a moment, and Lance returned the look.

Zack: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Lance: Find the corpse later and loot it?

Zack: Great minds think alike! You can be the master's apprentice.

Lance: You aren't cool enough to talk about yourself in the third person.

Zack: Shut the fuck up. The master of wit can say what he wishes!

Lance: The master of wit can go fuck himself.

Zack: He can, yes. But unlike you, foul peasant, he doesn't have to. Bitches love the master!

Lance: No, bitches love the master's cock. The fact that it's attached to you is a mere coincidence.

[Anonymous]

Lance: It's some chick screaming. Look, it's the Dark fucking Mage Village. Shit happenes here.

Mizuumi: True. Shit does happen here.

The two had another argument about being the Master of Wit.

Mizuumi: Go ahead and loot the corpse. I assure you, the money'll be mine before the day's over.

He took the bottle back and drank some more sake.

[Anonymous]

Lance: The money will be yours? What are you, a prostitute?

Zack: Lance, you don't just ask people that.

Lance: Sure ya do. Wouldn't suprise me; everyone knows people with blue hair are good in bed.

Zack: Yeah right.

Lance: It's true!

Zack: No it isn't. You made that up to feed your ego.

Lance: I don't need to feed my ego. I have plenty of girls to do that for me.

Zack: Hey, if they only want me for sex, how come the same doesn't apply to you?

Lance: It does. I just don't have a problem if all I'm wanted for is sex. I'm happy to do that.

[Anonymous]

Lance: What are you, a prostitute?

Mizuumi fell down anime-style. He quickly stood back up.

Mizuumi: Well, that was a first.

Lance: ...people with blue hair are good in bed.

Mizuumis patted his hair a little as he spoke.

Mizuumi: Even so, you don't just ask people if they're hookers. It just ain't right.

Lance: It does. I just don't have a problem if all I'm wanted for is sex. I'm happy to do that.

Mizuumi: You know, Zack, you should be a little more like Lance. Not much, but a little. Two Lances would be way too many. Besides, what do you do besides get high and have sex?