Darkest Night [DragonSong] [M]

Zero · May 01, 2019, 12:37:42 PM

That familiar pang of guilt hit Cole as Zahra once again expressed such gratitude towards him. He truly didn't deserve it, not when he was the cause of so many of her fears and problems. She had to leave the desert behind because of him. It was his fault she was in these scary new places and alone without her people.

"Sweetling." Her probing question was like a punch in the gut. How could she ask him that? The nickname he had given to her, that horrible first night, had fallen from his lips a tortured sound. He knew how he acted in the waking world sometimes, knew the things he said to her. Zahra probably thought some of them cold, certainly frustrating as much as she argued against his constant desire to put himself down, but he thought keeping his distance was in her best interest!

"I already want to be with you and it hurts me. The man I am, the things I've done...Why do you want me to stay?" Cole's free hand clutched at his chest as he closed his eyes, expression wracked with pain. "If I didn't want to be with you I would stop making excuses to stay. I would do the right thing and find someone better to keep you safe, but I'm selfish and I stay."

Cole let her nestle against his side, lay her head on his chest, hold his hand...all things he shouldn't let her do, but he wanted that soft, sweet affection. The drow had been deprived of it all his life and he craved her kind, gentle acceptance.

DragonSong · May 01, 2019, 06:44:30 PM

Despite everything, Zahra felt her heart torn in two. She ached for him, the pain on his face, she truly did, even if she wished he could stop blaming himself, would just listen to her when she said she forgave him.

But she also felt a tiny thrill of joy run through her. He wanted to stay with her. Really, actually wanted to. She didn't think someone had wanted to be with her so badly since...

Smiling wryly, the young dream walker twisted so she could reach up and hold his face in her hands, tilting his head gently so she could meet his eyes. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I honestly had no idea that you actually wanted to stay with me until this very moment. So your whole plan of punishing yourself seems to be going off without a hitch to an outside observer."

It was a bad joke, and her lips only trembled in the faintest ghost of a smile for a moment or two before she sighed and looked away again. "If you want me to stop the dream, I can," she offered softly, though it sent a jagged ache through her heart to say it.

Zero · May 01, 2019, 07:44:49 PM

Cole sucked in a breath as Zahra took his face in her hands. His dark eyes flickered to hers as she spoke. "I can't admit how much I like being with you out there. I don't know why I can in here."

Was it because in here is where she had comforted him? Cole watched as she turned her face away from him again. He didn't really want this dream to end. "Is it morning? If you make the dream stop I'll just have nightmares."

He hated the nightmares. Cole leaned against her lightly, hand finding hers again and squeezing lightly. "Stay here with me?"

DragonSong · May 02, 2019, 07:57:39 AM

"Oh, Cole..." She smiled at him softly and nodded, leaning into him. "Okay. We can stay." She turned her hand in his to lace their fingers together and tucked her head against his shoulder, letting her eyes close with a soft breath as she simply sat and listened to the sound of the oasis around them.

"I was born here," she murmured after a few moments. "Well, you know...not here. But this place, this-- this dreamscape. It looks like the oasis where I was born."

Zero · May 02, 2019, 08:06:01 AM

It was strange, how easy it was to settle in like that. Cole closed his eyes as he just enjoyed the way it felt to have their fingers intertwined like they were, to feel the gentle pressure of her pressed against his side, the light weight of her head resting upon his shoulder, it all felt so nice. Zahra made him feel so very different than anyone else had, she made him feel almost normal, and for brief moments, like it was okay for him to just be a normal man like any other.

"It's a beautiful, peaceful place." Cole observed quietly, opening his eyes to look around at the growing familiarity of this strange dream she kept calling him into. "Do you miss it?"

DragonSong · May 02, 2019, 10:01:43 AM

"I..." Did she? Zahra pursed her lips as she considered her answer. "I think so," she murmured eventually. "Sometimes." She sighed and let her head tip back, watching the stars flicker in the clear sky above them.

It was almost hard to believe it was all a dream. If felt so real.

"Do you think you'll miss the desert?" she asked softly after a few moments.

Zero · May 02, 2019, 10:12:36 AM

Zahra had already left the place she was born before they met, but now it was unlikely she could go back, and that part was his fault. Cole sighed softly and looked back down at her, before tilting his head back to look up at the stars with her. This place felt so strange. It almost felt more real to him than the waking world, in an odd way.

"No, it was just a place that we were." Essyrn was just a place that they had worked sometimes, when the money was good. It held no meaning to him. "I was born at camp, off the side of the road somewhere in Adela. I don't even know exactly where."

Cole had never had a home, not a real one, and so there was no place for him to miss.

DragonSong · May 02, 2019, 02:09:25 PM

"Is there any place you wish you could go back to?" she asked in response. "Not...home, exactly, but someplace that you liked more than others maybe?"

She didn't really know why she was asking, if she was being entirely honest with herself, but it was just nice to sit and talk like this. Like it was normal. Like they were friends. She didn't want it to end yet.

Zero · May 02, 2019, 03:00:11 PM

Cole frowned softly, still looking up at the stars as he tried to think of a place with happy memories that he would actually want to relive. Nowhere really came to mind, and he didn't know how pathetic that was. He shook his head with a sigh. "I don't think so."

It wasn't in his character to be optimistic about the future, not when it concerned himself, but he turned to look down at Zahra with a sad smile. "We will find a place to call home."

DragonSong · May 02, 2019, 07:15:44 PM

Despite the clear sorrow in his smile, Zahra couldn't help feeling the faintest spark of hopeful joy light in her chest.

We. He really did want to stay with her.

He'd said that already, of course, but there was something about hearing him talk about the future, about finding a home together, that seemed to solidify it.

"We will," she agreed firmly, pressing her shoulder against his. "We'll...look out for each other."

Zero · May 02, 2019, 08:22:01 PM

"Yes, we will." Cole assured her. He had already made the decision to protect her the night he had taken her from that oasis, but if they were in this together, then they would need to take care of each other. He would be dead if she hadn't taken care of him.

They were both lost and homeless, but they wouldn't remain that way forever.

"I'm sorry." He said softly as he leaned away from her, letting himself fall back to lay on the ground as he looked up at the sky. "For pushing you away, while we're awake. When that farmer earlier suggested we were...you know."

Cole shook his head and closed his eyes. "The way you hold my hand or lean against me, I like it, but people see it and assume that your affection is more than friendly. It worries me."

DragonSong · May 03, 2019, 07:46:11 AM

Zahra planted her hands in the grass behind her and leaned back as he settled down, tipping her head back to watch the stars.

"You don't have to apologize," she murmured after a few moments. "I...I think I understand why you do it. And now that I know you actually want to stay with me, I don't think I'll worry so much that I'm a burden or your just annoyed with me if you do it again."

She paused, then continued cautiously, still not looking at him. "Why-- why does it worry you? I mean, chances are we're never going to see these people again...does it matter what they think?"

Zero · May 03, 2019, 11:26:08 AM

"Maybe we won't see them again, but it still bothers me. I shouldn't care what they think, but I do, because them looking at me like I could be with you is wrong." After the things he had done, no one should view him as someone that could or should be with someone in such a way. People like him didn't deserve to be with people like her.

"I do have to apologize." Cole frowned, brows drawn down as he looked up at the stars, mostly to avoid looking directly at her. "I know it made you feel bad when I did it and I didn't really want to do it either, but I just felt like I had to push you away, like I have to keep you at a certain distance."

DragonSong · May 03, 2019, 06:21:49 PM

"Cole." She reached for his hand again and wrapped her fingers around his, offering a small smile. "It's alright. Really. I know why you did it. And...okay, I was a little hurt, but then you told me why, and now I understand. So it's alright."

She gave his hand a quick squeeze before letting go again. After another moment or two of silence, she murmured, "Do you think you'll ever not feel like that, out there? I-- I'd like to be closer to you, Cole. Not just when we're dreaming."

Zero · May 03, 2019, 06:53:09 PM

"If you say so." Cole said, squeezing her hand in return. He still didn't like that he had hurt her in some way. Even if at the time he thought he was doing it for both their own good. If only it wasn't the way of things.

"Closer?" He asked, pain stabbing through his chest. They were already too close. "I want to be close to you, Sweetling. That's exactly why I can't."

DragonSong · May 04, 2019, 02:22:10 PM

Zahra had to bite back an exasperated sigh. "I-- I think I understand why you feel that way," she murmured after another few moments. "I just...I guess it's selfish, but I wish you didn't."

She missed having a friend, a close friend, someone she trusted and knew she could rely on. But she didn't want to push Cole too far.

Zero · May 04, 2019, 02:34:05 PM

"I'm not sure you do." Cole sighed softly, turning his head away from her, looking out over the grass of the oasis she had summoned for them to talk together in their dreams. "Sweetling, I want to be close to you, but the closer I am to you the more I feel things that I shouldn't. Towards you."

The drow bit his lip, still looking away. He was afraid to see how she might react to that, or if she would even understand what he was trying to express.

DragonSong · May 05, 2019, 06:48:51 AM

"I--" She paused, a frown stealing over her features. With a soft huff, she shook her head and continued, "You're right, then. I don't understand. I-- I wish I did, but if you don't want to tell me that's...that's fine."

She sighed again and straightened her back, drawing her knees up toward her chest and resting her chin on them as her eyes roamed over the oasis.

Zero · May 05, 2019, 07:34:24 AM

Cole didn't know whether to be relieved or not when she professed not to understand. Did he want Zahra to know about these feelings building inside of him, these feelings he didn't ask for but couldn't stop.

He hated to see her so sad, though.

The drow turned on his side to face her, head tilted as he looked up at her with a sad look. "Please don't. I hate seeing you unhappy, Sweetling. After everything you've been through because of me...you deserve to be happy more than anyone I know."

DragonSong · May 05, 2019, 05:36:40 PM

Zahra turned her head to look at him and felt her heart constrict painfully in her chest. "Cole--"

I'm not what you think I am. I'm not as good as I pretend to be. I want you to know me, but I'm scared you'll think less of me if you do. I'm scared I'll think less of me. I want you as close as I can keep you while staying safe...

She let out another long, slow sigh and tried to give him a small smile, reaching out to cover his hand with hers gently. "Thank you, Cole. Really. But I don't want you to feel so responsible for my happiness. You've given me back my freedom, my life-- I could never ask more than that of you."