FREAKIN' FINALLY. [Bluuuuue!]

Rhindeer · September 16, 2012, 02:30:11 AM

It had been ages since he'd last been in Adela, much less Ketra. Years. The last time he'd been here was when he'd met her, and since then he'd had no reason to return.

Yet after trekking his way through the Thunderblacks and surviving a nightmare scenario there, Hatame found himself once more in Ketra. And just like back then, he had only the clothes on his back and scarcely a copper to his name--which was unfortunate, because after all that journeying, his clothes were in a very sad, tattered state.

Still, it felt good to finally hit civilization. He just wished it didn't have to be here; there were too many memories, and all of them were oddly fresh despite the time between them. To a creature that was used to accepting what they couldn't change and moving on, grieving hard and healing quickly, it was rather unsettling to feel so haunted by the past.

He planned to move on as soon as he'd rested and acquired some provisions. It wouldn't do to linger here and chase ghosts.

Exhausted and bedraggled, he trudged along the city streets and drew no few stares; his shirt was half gone, his breeches had holes in the knees, he'd lost his boots somehow (clothes were just so hard to keep track of sometimes) and his hair--which reached down to the middle of his back--was tangled and loose. No doubt there were bags under his eyes, and his dark skin was smudged with dirt. He hadn't bathed in days, and he'd eaten only what he could catch--mostly hares and mice, when he could find them.

Needless to say, he looked like crap, felt like crap, and it was probably because he was so tired and had his head down that he didn't notice the blue-skinned, white-haired, dragon-tailed woman that was standing pretty much right in front of him until he'd nearly run into her.

He noticed her feet first, froze at the sight of those dangerously familiar claws, looked up--and stared.

For several moments, he was rooted to the spot, green eyes ridiculously wide; his heart felt like it had lodged itself into his throat and settled there, making it difficult to breathe or swallow past the lump. Denial followed the shock; that couldn't be her. He had to be seeing things. It was the fatigue; he was hallucinating, sleep deprivation could do that, right?

But illusions didn't hold that long, did they?

Hatame let out a breath he'd been holding and forced words out past the tightness in his throat.

"Sakki?"

Blue · September 16, 2012, 02:25:35 PM

The damnable brute of a beast was being ornery today, and she had not the patience for it. The large ox had dug his thick hooves into the earth and was apparently quite intent on not moving an inch from his spot - further frustrating because the cart full of metalworks was nigh three feet from him. Yet should she try and release him in order to simply bring the cart to the ox, he would lumber away; that much was evident by the tension in the rope connecting the ox's head and her hands.
Honestly, gods above, why was Brother being such a stubborn old fool today??

She didn't want to risk hurt him by physically forcing him to do as she wanted, and she certainly wasn't going to risk a horn to the gut either - Brother was large, even for an ox, and she had no doubt he could give her some serious pains if he wished. Still, he was named 'Brother' for a reason - he was part of the family, and though she did not hold so much fondness for him, her daughter did. That was reason enough to treat him with a certain level of care.

So, a stalemate then. They just stared at one another, Sakkata's frustration giving way to a sense of exasperation as Brother simply blinked at her with big dark brown cow eyes.
"There honestly is no winning with-"

"Sakki?"

Her throat constricted so fast she hadn't even been able to finish her sentence. Everything stilled, frozen in place. Years of pushing him out of her mind could not stop her from recognizing that voice, however hoarse and uncertain it was. Nobody else called her that damnable nickname anyway!
Panic welled up in her from all sides - what would he say when she turned to confront him? Because she would have to - she could not claim to be anyone else, there was no one else like her to be confused with! Would he look up her with disdain? Hatred? Disgust? How much more shame, how much more guilt would she suddenly be burdened with when forced to endure his stare? She had tried to explain away her running, give herself reasons why it had not been so bad an idea - but she could not truly convince herself that she had not done something wrong by him. She'd abandoned him, and taken their child with her. Whatever her reasons, her justifications, that fact still rang as 'wrong' to some degree.

She suddenly felt spring loaded, like she wanted to simply leap away and flee from him with speed he could not hope to match. Bah, as if she'd let herself do something so cowardly. Reaching out, she grabbed Brother's thick horns with determined hands, arms thrumming with uncomfortable energy. The beast of burden seemed to recognize it was best to give the dragoness no further flak, and he relaxed while his head drooped a bit.
With a deep breath, and keeping one hand clenched onto her ox's horn, she finally turned somewhat stiffly around to look upon her once-mate.
Hatame.

Everything burned and fizzed and cracked. When she opened her mouth, she had to force something abrasive out to keep herself from sobbing instead.
"You look like shit you know."

Rhindeer · September 16, 2012, 10:27:33 PM

He knew it was her.

But when she turned around, that was when it all really hit him.

Sakkata. Was right here. Right under his nose. How long had she been here? After all this time? And he couldn't help but notice how well-off she looked, how healthy and established. She had her own ox, even. An ox she was trying to attach to a cart, which meant she had a job here, a life. That she'd moved on.

And he never had.

He stared at her for several moments, mouth dry and eyes strangely wet, vision slightly blurred though he blinked to clear it. After all this time, all this wandering, all this worrying, all this wondering, and he finds her here where they first met.

And what's the first thing she says?

Hatame let out a choked laugh, throat still uncomfortably tight with repressed emotion. "Haha...yeah. I guess I do, huh?"

There was no anger in his voice, no disgust, even though he wanted to be angry. He desperately wanted to be upset and angry for everything that had happened, for the way she'd just left him after letting him in--and after he'd let her in. How he'd trusted her, and that's why he'd put himself out there like that, and if she didn't want to be his mate, she could have just told him that because that would have hurt less than the betrayal, than the leaving without a word, leaving him to wonder what had gone wrong and if she was okay and if she was even alive or if she'd been taken, which wasn't even far-fetched because she'd been kidnapped once before and even killed and that had nearly killed him the first time. But even worse was the not knowing.

He just couldn't bring himself to be angry. Didn't have the energy.

He was just relieved to see she was okay.

And depressed as all hell. After everything, this was how they reunited? Like strangers?

Hatame shoved his hands into his pockets, shoulders slumped. "I...you look well." He forced a smile. "I'm glad you're okay."

Blue · September 16, 2012, 10:53:37 PM

She wasn't sure what sort of reaction she had expected to get after the words left her mouth, and his defeated 'kicked dog' response did a lot of things to her all at once, none of which she could properly name. Her hand tightened on Brother's horn, even as the rest of her thrummed with that desperate need to run, to escape.
As if she could. Yarra and Raama would be back eventually...she couldn't simply up and leave, although the idea of either of them walking in on this awkward 'reunion' made the dread in the pit of her stomach twist up like a ball of snakes.

She stood stock still, white-knuckling Brother's horn to the point it might have cracked if she were not aware of his mild grunt of displeasure. It was as if everything had frozen up, and yet there was that fizzing and popping in a most unsettling way, like the fire inside her was trying to burst out of every seam. Normally she reacted to unwanted or unfamiliar emotions with anger and violence, but she couldn't even move to twitch her tail, let alone lash out at Hatame.
And even if she could, she felt sickened just thinking about hurting this ruined man any further.

Yet still she couldn't bring herself to do anything but answer him awkwardly, amber eyes somewhat widened, tempestuous, and sitting beneath deeply furrowed white brows.
"Compared to you."
An uneven breath through flared nostrils.
"Don't say things arbitrarily."
Another uneven breath. It was like a ringing had started up in her ears, growing louder and trying to turn her mind into goo. She didn't....how was she supposed to.....
It was like grasping at air, pointless and frustrating.
Nothing made sense, she had no idea what to do, what she was supposed to say, how she was supposed to react. Everything was a roiling mess and she was being forced to stare at the one person that had haunted her for six years, standing there looking completely defeated and unable to do anything but make ridiculous small talk and-
"Why aren't you angry!? How can you stand there looking so pathetic!? Dammit Hatame!"

Flames flared up abruptly from both hands - thus giving Brother quite the scare and a singed horn. He bellowed and jerked his head away from her grasp, now sporting a rather interesting smoky black mark where Sakkata had been holding him.
Anger was familiar, comforting...yet she had not run to it's embrace in a long while, so it fit awkwardly, like an old garment that was once snug but no longer. She trembled and seethed, yet rather than feeling strengthened by the wall rage could give her, everything was wobbling and tilting and not at all solid. She couldn't tell if she was going to explode or crumble.

Rhindeer · September 16, 2012, 11:48:25 PM

Hatame winced when her words came exploding out, demanding to know why he wasn't angry, calling him pathetic, each word lodging in him like a knife. And he had no good answer for her. Gods knew he'd tried to be angry. If he was angry, maybe it wouldn't hurt so badly--but he'd never been prone to rage.

His heart pounded frantically and his entire body felt jittery, nervous, and he didn't realize he was shaking until he'd clenched his fists.

"I..." He felt like an idiot, grasping for words and finding none. What was he supposed to say? Or do? He'd dreamed for six years about finding her again, played out different scenarios in his head, and yet now that it was real...what the fuck was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to convey everything he'd thought and felt and dreamed and feared for six damned years, how was he supposed to get across how much that fucking hurt, the not knowing, the rejection, the terror, the everything, and how he'd been looking all that time, come close to giving up but still had that hope deep inside that, maybe one day, he'd be standing right where he was now and be accepted again? Only to be called pathetic? To be told he was speaking arbitrarily? How did you even begin to--

"I am angry!" he finally snapped, though his voice trembled. "I'm just--I don't even--I can't even express how angry I am, Sakkata. But more than that, I'm just--"

Deep breaths. He was awful at this, awful at talking about feelings, about putting emotion into words. In a way, it was a language barrier; gryphons didn't talk about their emotions, they expressed it through body language. Even as he spoke it sounded clunky and awkward but he pushed forward regardless; the dam had opened and there was no closing it now. He continued, forcing the words out, and even as he spoke he still sounded more stricken than pissed.

"I'm hurt. I'm hurt, and I'm angry, but mostly hurt, and how dare you insult me now. How dare you call me pathetic, after everything. I..." Another deep breath. He closed his eyes. "Do you have any idea what it's like to just--to just have someone vanish like that? Someone you love? Someone you thought loved you? I didn't--for all I knew, you could be dead. Do you have any idea what that's like? The not knowing?"

Blue · September 17, 2012, 01:30:47 AM

Anger she could deal with. Hell, she'd prefer a physical fight to whatever this was. Granted, she'd likely win that fight, but feeling Hatame's talons in her flesh would give manifest the pain she was already experiencing, would give her the scars that were already inside. Perhaps it was really only because she felt she deserved it, that she tried to provoke him into anger. Or perhaps it was because she could not fathom how to handle anything other than that familiar emotion.

"No, I don't, because I've never handicapped myself like that before!" She shot back, still trembling and unable to determine what her body would do - implode or explode. It was terrifying because she realized she would not have any control of it, whichever ultimately happened.
"I had forgotten...I let myself forget one core truth of my existence. I let you and...and the heat...it all deluded me and I allowed it to happen. I was so exhausted, more exhausted than I had ever been, and I let myself seek refuge in things I'd never before indulged. And it was foolish! Of course I would not tell you I was leaving - you'd not have listened to a word I was saying and you would have tried to follow me regardless! I am the Chosen, I must forever expect to be attacked! So easily I lost my parents, that I must - and should - always be alone lest I have so many more weaknesses and targets! You weak, insufferable, useless man!! How easily you could be crushed by even the weaker of my kind!! And to think I even allowed...an even worse weakness! Allowed you to cripple me even further!! With a child, an infant! This tiny soft creature that would be doomed from the start to have the Chosen as a mother!! To think I would have tried to keep eyes and ears on so many helpless things in an attempt to keep everyone safe - it was unlikely to succeed if not completely impossible!"

Flames licked and flickered about her frame, abrupt and short, like the blinking of fireflies yet ever so much more dangerous. She was losing it, everything was coming unraveled now. But would it pour forth a flood of fire or would she simple crumple like a burnt-out log? Nothing but ash and cinders...
"I can't do it, couldn't do it - even I don't have the power to be an infallible protector!! I am strong but I must know my limits!! I left because I realized all of this and I was angry, and horrified, and I didn't know how else to keep you safe!! I cannot...I cannot cover all of these weak spots...but if I am not there then you are no longer a target!"
She didn't know what else to say, and wasn't even entirely sure what was leaving her mouth even now. Was it the truth or just angry words to put up a wall? Everything was vivid, like a livewire, and it hurt in a raw, throbbing sort of way. Was it all just an excuse for her panic, or was there really reason to her actions?
Even in her fevered mind she knew she'd seen Hatame hurt viciously numerous times simply because he was too stupid to know to get away from her. All of these challenges and foes were entirely focused on her...already she had lost one she'd dared to call 'friend'. How could she ever let herself put someone else in that sort of lethal spot again? How could she put Hatame in that spot...? He was more fragile than the Drygan she had already lost! How easily he could be crippled and broken! Just the flash of that visual was enough to turn her stomach, and were her jaw not so fiercely clenched, she would likely have been sick in a sudden wave.

Rhindeer · September 17, 2012, 01:57:38 AM

"What?"

Whatever else Sakkata said, whatever else he was about to say, it all flew out of his mind the moment she started talking about being a mother. Hatame didn't even hear the rest of her words; his entire focus had zeroed in on those two specific sentences and his heart just about stopped.

Child. Infant. Sakkata was a mother. She was yelling that he had crippled her. Had crippled her with child. She had a child.

Oh. My. Gods.

His breath seized and the sick fluttering in his belly intensified to the point where it was almost unbearable. Sakkata was saying words, was igniting the air with flame, but he was only vaguely aware of it.

"There's...there's a child?" he managed, voice choked. Oh shit. He suddenly felt very ill, very weak, like he needed to sit down--some of it probably had to do with the fact that he was exhausted from his travels, sure, but add this on top of that? He...he could not handle this. He didn't know how to handle this.

He brought a hand up to his temple. "I...we..." Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. "Is...is it mine?"

Blue · September 17, 2012, 02:09:23 AM

There was an odd rushing of cold air around her, as abrupt and startling as a bucket of ice water would have been right then. She didn't yet realize it, but her flames had abruptly stopped, no longer blanketing her in warmth.
For an awkwardly paced moment she could only stare at Hatame, blinking slowly as her frayed thoughts attempted to figure out what exactly he was saying.
What?
What??
What???

It was so ridiculously Hatame-like to say something that absurdly stupid. Even if it brought out that knee-jerk reaction of verbally vicious rage, it was somehow...comforting to hear such idiocy leave his mouth.

The heat came back all at once as she nearly singed what was left of the birdbrain's ruined clothes right off him - though judging by their sorry state she might have been doing him a favor.
"How many people do you think I sleep with!? Who else was around to take advantage of my heat!? For that matter, how badly do you assume my counting is to be unable to keep track of the months!? WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE YOU DUMB LECH!!!"

Rhindeer · September 17, 2012, 02:23:22 AM

That was both an utterly frightening yet amazingly comforting reaction.

For one, it was familiar--the familiar insults and quips about his perversion in particular. For two...

Holy shit. She was saying she hadn't slept with anyone else. No one else but him. And it had been six years.

...And oh my gods that meant it was his child.

There were too many things to process all at once.

When the roaring fire faded, Hatame held up his hands defensively. "I don't know! But it's been six years! And you left! And...and...I thought...I mean, maybe you'd moved on, or...something..." he finished lamely, mind racing and thoughts all over the place. "I just--gods. There's a child. We have a child. I..."

A six-year-old child. Who didn't even know he existed, who he hadn't known existed. And he didn't even know the name. Didn't even know its gender or what it looked like or if it was healthy.

Stunned, pained silence fell over him again as that all sank in, and he let out a held breath and looked away. "Boy or girl?"

Blue · September 17, 2012, 02:35:02 AM

Luckily her fire show was short lived, as she didn't really want to draw any more attention than they likely already were, but her anger had not faded along with the flames. Not yet, at least.
"Clearly you were not listening at all! Anyone close to me is a walking target! Why in the name of the gods would I leave you for the sake of your safety only to turn around and put someone else in that exact same position!? You damned idiot!!"

And then, for the second time, the energy washed out of her and left her feeling cold - only this time it was due to the lashing sting of his last question. She was just as acutely aware of the terrible situation in regards to 'their' child...Raama didn't even know she had a father, the concept not at all present in her young mind. To the little girl it was just momma, and then Brother, and now Yarra. There was no 'dad' in the equation.
Even if he was standing right here now.

"Girl." She breathed, and the world tilted dangerously to one side. Was it her vision, or was she actually physically swaying? Everything was wrong...what was this...what was this...
"Raam-" She all but choked, unsure why it should be so hard to breathe, why she couldn't really focus on anything anymore. It was all just weird abstract shapes, all blurred together for some reason.
"Raamalooke... 'winged dragon'..."

Rhindeer · September 18, 2012, 02:38:46 AM

"Raamalooke." Hatame said it slowly, feeling it out. A girl. He had a daughter. Somehow, saying the name made it all more real and it hit him like a punch to the throat.

He wanted to ask about her more--what did she look like? Did she know about him? Know his name? Know she had a father? Was she healthy? What was her personality? But he bit the questions back, because he might never get to see her, and the thought made him reel, made his vision blur. It hit him that there was nothing stopping Sakkata from leaving again as she already had and that there was no way he'd be able to follow.

"That's a pretty name." Another weak smile. "That's...ha. I bet we made a cute kid, huh?"

And then he couldn't see at all. He swallowed hard, reached up to wipe the moisture from his eyes, and took a step back away from her. Then another. It was getting to the point where it was becoming too much and he didn't know how to deal with it. After all that searching he'd found her, and found even more. Now he didn't know if he regretted that or not. Maybe he could have moved on. He'd started to, a little. Eventually he could have found closure, had a new life, healed...

Now he felt ready to break all over again.

"Well. I'm glad," he said, voice quiet and shaky. "I'm glad you're all okay. I really am. I just--I just wish you'd given me the choice, Sakki." He glanced at her face. "Or--or talked to me. Or something. Heh. Guess I just didn't realize I was nothing but a liability."

Blue · September 21, 2012, 09:01:44 PM

There was no way to do this. This wasn't...it just...she had no damn words for this, no way of describing the roiling emotion currently filling her gut, her throat, her eyes. No words that she could say to describe anything, to explain or make plain what had happened, and why, and what she was feeling.
It was a giant glass wall between them, and it was threatening to shatter into a million shards that would pierce them all to pieces.

He hadn't even caught the meaning wrapped in that name, though she'd spoken it - 'winged dragon'. Raamalooke. Their daughter had a indelible stamp of who here father was, right there on her back for all to see - and a name that reflected it.
That idiot man.
Idiot, idiot man.

He was the one stepping away now, backing up, and somehow the motion made everything feral in her want to leap out and tear his throat out. Was it her turn now? To be abandoned? Was this retribution for that day six years ago? Did she deserve it...?
And again, idiot man! She had at least managed to put that reason to words, yet he'd not even listened to it!

It was all so painfully frustratingly heartbreaking.
And then everything flowed out of her, like a dam breaking.

There was an anguished cry, something perhaps more like a roar, that she realized a few moments too late was her own. A wave of flames ballooned out from all sides of her, sending Brother bellowing for cover, which was just as well. The earth then buckled and heaved, before sinking back down, cracked and broken. In the midst of it, Sakkata could not keep her feet - she sunk to her knees in the depression in the earth, half curled over herself. She wasn't sure if she was crying or if she simply couldn't see; dead or simply unable to breath.
The fire within her, that uncertain and wobbling thing, had exploded and then collapsed in on itself...cinders then, as she had feared.

"Go if you have to...leave me be. I have no right to ask you to stay, regardless what my reasons were then, and still are now. Just...take Raama with you...perhaps Yarra as well. They would be...safer away from me. Just as you are safer without my presence. I...I cannot stand living in such constant fear. It was never a matter when it was just me - it was my fate, one I rose to meet. But to bring others into it...I just...I cannot be sure of my own ability to protect them. Already I have lost someone so dear...and I have seen you injured and in pain, bedridden...Hatame, even I can be killed, we both know that - so how can I keep anybody else alive? I've already failed that...I can't stand the thought of you, or Raama, dying because I am the Chosen."

Rhindeer · October 24, 2012, 10:05:24 PM

The anguished cry was far more uncomfortable, far more painful than the heat-blast that hit him, hot enough to the point of discomfort but not to the point of burning. And as the ground buckled and crumbled around Sakkata...gods, sometimes he forgot just what kind of effortless power she wielded. He winced but stood his ground, waited for it to end, and if the whole situation didn't already feel so surreal it might have shocked him more.

But after the shock of meeting her here, of learning he had a child, he wasn't sure anything could surprise him now.

Then Sakkata was talking again, and Hatame could scarcely believe what he was hearing.

The mixture of stress, anguish, and confusion churning within him finally became too much, and Hatame began to laugh, at first a weak sound and then building until he couldn't stop, could hardly breathe beyond wheezing gasps that doubled him over. Tears ran down his cheeks but he couldn't tell if that was because he was crying or because he was laughing so hard. His legs turned liquid and he finally had to sit, though it was more like he crouched down, arms wrapped around his middle like he was in pain--and he was, a little.

It took a moment before he was able to get a hold of himself. Taking deep breaths, he wiped his face with his hand.

"Go if I have to," he repeated. "Leave you." He pressed his fists to his eyes and shook his head, chuckling. "You're acting like I'm the one who made that choice. Like I'm the one who wanted that. Like I still want it. Boy." He lowered his hands and rested them on his knees. "Why do you always have to make things so difficult."

It was less a question and more an observation.

Then something she said hit him and he blinked, looking up as it sank in.

"Who's Yarra?"

Blue · October 29, 2012, 12:52:27 AM

The laughing was unexpected. That was saying something, in the midst of all these abrupt emotions and responses. She couldn't tell if she should be hurt or reassured by the sound, but in the end it was just as discomforting as her earlier yowl, and so her long tail curled around her a bit tighter. She felt so empty, so hollow, like every tear now leaving her was yanking some deep piece of her out through her eyes.
If this kept up, there would be nothing left.
Just an old piece of charcoal, useless and crumbling.

"You would laugh..."
If her response was always anger, his was always humor. Somehow it had always balanced itself out, but now they were on such opposite ends of the world, and yet so close.
She didn't have it in her to do this...

...surprisingly, again, she found herself capable of that which she figured lost.
Anger snapped abruptly, and flames licked out at him. Weaker than usual, but that was probably to his benefit all things considered.
"Do you never LISTEN!? I am doing everything in my power to try and put to words what happened, to try and give you answers so far as I have them, and you are perpetually DEAF. Save for such a ridiculous detail!?"
She punched the ground, and it dented violently. But that was about the extent of the energy she had left, and her shoulders slumped again.
"Yarra is another Drygan. Raama seems to enjoy his company, and he is weak and relatively safe. He is like a...what is the word...like a nanny to Raama." She sighed heavily, a rattling sound. "That is all."

No, this was an opportunity. She had already touched on it before, hadn't she? Let Hatame take Raama...
She had to be strong, all the time - there was no real space for weakness like this. It would only get herself, or others, killed. That was unacceptable. So, yes, she should be strong...push away the broken pieces of her own heart and soul, even as it continued to sliver away around her, and focus on the important things.
Raama was the most important. And she had an opportunity to put her daughter in a safer position.
"...Take Raama. They should be returning soon. I will explain to her, so please take her with you. You may not be very strong Hatame, but you are also not a walking target - her chances are likely better with you."

Rhindeer · December 08, 2012, 01:58:10 AM

That this Yarra was just a 'nanny' was both incredibly reassuring and painful all at once, and myriad emotions flashed through him as she explained. On the one hand, gods, but he was glad, he was glad because he loved her, because he wanted to be with her, and it would hurt beyond belief if she found another. On the other hand, being pushed away might hurt less if she had taken another lover, because at least then it would make sense. At least that was something he could understand. It would be selfish and unrealistic to expect her, or anyone, to remain celibate and loveless for six years, to expect them to wait and not move on.

If she had found someone else, it might not make it less painful, but it would at least be more clear-cut. It would at least have a sense of closure.

Being pushed away like this? This was something he couldn't grasp at all.

And then there was that extra pang at the thought that someone else got to raise his child, be close to his daughter, be her nanny when he hadn't even had the chance to meet her.

He drew in a shuddering breath, nodding as she spoke without looking at her, but then his head snapped up at what she said at last.

Gods, that was like the complete opposite of what he wanted.

"Do you never listen?" he countered, and raked his hands through his hair, staring at her in wide-eyed disbelief. "Gods, no. I can't do that, Sakki. Don't ask me to do that. I won't do that. You're asking me to take her away from you? From her mother?"

He shook his head. "Sakki...no. I...fuck." He was so bad at articulating himself. He had to pause to find the right words.

"Do you know how painful it was when you left? Do you have any idea what that feels like? To be abandoned by someone you love? No. You're not doing that to our child, too. And gods, Sakki! She doesn't even know who I am! I'll be some strange man taking her away from everything she knows and loves. I--"

He took a deep breath. "You can't just keep solving your problems by running, Sakki!"

Blue · January 09, 2013, 04:17:22 PM

Hunched over, she was surprised to find enough fury and hopeless rage left to stir the burnt out coals within her. Frustrated, uncertain, heartbroken...she let out another growling sort of roar as flames erupted from her and blasted up into the air above her. By now she'd likely attracted all the wrong sorts of attention, but at least so far nobody was fool enough to try and approach.

"I CAN'T RUN!" She half screamed it, half sobbed it, stuck somewhere in between what was comforting and what was raw and vulnerable.
"I can't run from my fate. You make it sound like I am some terrible person, doing this purposefully to hurt those close to me. Gods damn you Hatame, I know what that pain is! I don't want you to die! I don't want her to die!"
Growling, snarling, and crying, it was all happening at once and made her both terrifying and pitiful. Standing she moved toward him with such vehement intent that he was not likely to escape. She didn't touch him, but the air around her was still oppressively warm.
"Terri died! You almost died! Gods even I died Hatame! I have a terrible history when it comes to protecting others! Yes, I panicked then, finding myself with child, but even now I've tried so hard to keep her hidden and safe. Eventually that luck will run out. Hatame, I don't...I don't know that I can really live with...with loved ones. I'm not sure that I can get so strong as to insure everyone's safety...and I don't want to risk it with you, with Raama. Why can't you understand this?? I'm not safe. Me, my existence. I never realized what it really meant, not until there were others whom were suddenly put in danger thanks to being around me. Are you listening Hatame? Please, tell me you're understanding this...I never intended to rob you of something. I made the mistake. And I'm not entirely sure how to fix it in the end. I just need for you both to be safe."

Rhindeer · February 13, 2013, 11:59:27 PM

Hatame stood unmoving even as she stalked toward him, shoulders slouched as he just watched her with grim acceptance. She was frightening when she got like that, and it was painful to see her so hurt, and some impulse within him wanted to just reach out and hold her, comfort her, even though she had never been that receptive to touch. But he refrained and just waited for whatever was to come.

Which was more emotional horribleness.

He sank his face into his hand and didn't say anything for a moment, trying to collect himself. It was difficult; he'd seen Sakkata vulnerable and upset before, but never like this, and while he could handle her anger, he wasn't sure how to handle this. It tore at him in a visceral way and gods, the problem was that he could see her point in a weird, twisted way. He could see it, and yet it was awful, and it was no fucking way to live anyone's life, in constant fear and solitude, hurting yourself, hurting others, and all because you were afraid of being hurt and causing hurt.

And just like her, he didn't know how to fix it.

Because deep down, he understood all too well, having seen it himself, having faced that terror. And when he thought about it, when he thought of himself as a father--that he was a fucking father and she was begging him to take their child--it just...he couldn't wrap his head around it. He knew they had a child because she'd told him so, and yet it didn't feel real; he'd always wanted children, but wanting them was different from suddenly being one without any preparation. Just bam, wake up one day, find your lost mate you haven't seen in years, and oh yeah, surprise, you're also a father! But he wasn't there for her. He hadn't been there to see her grow within her, or for the birth, or to hold her as a child. He was a stranger, and he felt like one.

So it was hard to think of the safety of a child that, until this moment, hadn't even existed and still didn't exist as a physical reality for him yet.

All he could think about was Sakkata, and that he didn't care about the danger because he'd faced it before--just the two of them against the world. That was alright. He wasn't afraid of dying; he'd been prepared for a long time.

But a child...

Fuck...

Finally, he held up his hands. "I don't...I..." He sucked in a breath and kept his eyes down. "Can I just...have a little time?" he asked quietly. "Before we decide anything? Before I kidnap our kid? Before I lose you again? I...I just found you, Sakki. I haven't even met your--our--daughter." He let his shoulders rise and fall half-heartedly. "At least a day? I think we'll be fine a day."

Blue · February 14, 2013, 12:59:43 AM

There just wasn't energy enough for this. It was like the weight of emotions was crushing their physical resistance. There was no way to stand against it, this ugly outpouring.
On a hollow sigh she dropped heavily to her knees in front of him, nearly touching. The air around her cooled so fast it was almost uncanny, as though she had sucked all the heat back into her and then some. She didn't even know what to say, it was like every word in her had already been forcefully expelled and there really wasn't anything left. But she knew it was pointless to try and keep pushing things, and it was rather unrealistic to expect Hatame of all people to digest that much that soon. A day wasn't so much to ask...
She had to make due with a nod.
She then realized he couldn't even see it, with both their heads hung as they were.
On another defeated sigh, she just leaned forward a few inches and bumped into him.

"...You know it's not kidnapping if I tell you to do it. Moron."

Rhindeer · April 16, 2013, 02:04:22 PM

Hatame managed a small, dry grin. There it was. That sounded more like the Sakki he knew.

And gods damn his masochistic ass, but he couldn't help it. With her that close, their heads touching, he couldn't help but reach up and graze her cheek lightly with his knuckles.

"You know it, and I know it. She doesn't," he said quietly.

Blue · April 20, 2013, 11:23:29 PM

She quivered all over. What the hell sort of seventh circle had they fallen into where Hatame was the logical one?? Maybe she really was just losing it...ha, she'd felt so secure lately. Like she'd finally figured out how to do this. And yet all it took was seeing this idiot's face to mess everything up...
Honestly he really...
He just made her go crazy...

"Shut up."
She forced out, but it was breathy. She knew hew as right but as usual she didn't want to admit it, so a weak statement was all she had. Her head slid off of his and slumped onto his shoulder, and she felt all at once like crying again because she could smell him. And it was painful somehow.
Reaching out, she grabbed the front of his shirt.
"I always make such bad decisions..."