The Contraband Caper [Quaggan]

[Whim]

@quaggan

The Office of the Steward was on the first level of Wyrdwood's Vault. It was meticulously tidy, bookshelves crammed with logs dating back centuries, furniture hopelessly out of date. To reach it you needed to navigatea confusing, musty hallway filled with packs of homunculi and students carryingout various janitorial punishments.

"The idol is clearly covered under Chapter Four section Three of the student handbook!" Steward Skrudge smiled, the gremlin's many skinfolds looking something like a melted candle. He was in charge of the imps who tended many of Wyrdwood's custodial tasks. "You will remember this refers to arcana of a primordial or shamanistic origin."

A boy with two heads stood across from the imp, arms crossed. On the left Liam gritted his teeth, trying not to let his anger show. It was a god-damn imp made from clay and feathers. How in the world did THIS get to make any decisions?! "Look. Its not harmful. The rule is for blood magic, trapped daemons, that sort of thing! And Kana's had it since he was a baby. Its all he has from home.."

"Really. All it does is let me get to horses. And they really don't got much to say..." Kana added. It was all that remained of his village. That life had not concerned him much, though he oft fiddled with the figurine. To lose it opened up old wounds.

The whole thing was Liam's fault and he felt terrible. Since they met Kana had owned a small wooden figurine depicting a horse. He encouraged his other half to bring it to their cryptozoology lecture to show off. Just a bit. Of course it got confiscated by an imp on the way back their room... and he had a few ideas about who tipped them off.

"I am sorry one thousand times over, young masters, but if exceptions were made the school would fall to pieces!" Skrudge bowed his head, though his tone was more cheerful than apologetic. Truly the imp did not feel beholden to the humans at all, but the charade of subservience was simply its nature. It was hard to hide his unbidden joy at so perfectly executing his orders and purpose. "I am afraid I have followed the rules to the letter. You will be able to retrieve your contraband on the day of your graduation and not two weeks after."

"This is ridiculous, I-" before Liam could finish their shared body had turned to go. "-hey stop!"

"Its fine, Liam, we'll get it back eventually. Really." Kana smiled sadly. As the second years turned to leave another figure appeared in the doorway of the musty office...

[quaggan]

 In times like these, Ria' questioned the purpose behind the existence of grownups. Of course, he appreciated well-dressed adults and aimed to become an elegant silver fox once the time came, but that really didn't make up for all the problems they created. Oh, if he had a pip for every time some stupid rule or tradition stood in his way, he could just forego this boring education and live like a king on this dubious income alone. Or just bribe the obstacles to fashion revolution.

'Tradition' and 'rules' that grownups liked to hide behind were nice starting points, but far too many forgot that and treated them like the be-all and end-all. Ria' could argue about their idiocy until he was blue in the face - not literally, of course, blue would clash with his hair terribly. Had everyone just mindlessly retreaded old paths, there would be no innovation, no improvement, no progress at all! That aim trumped all this boring nonsense grownups liked to cite, and sometimes, to accomplish this, Ria' needed a sewing machine.

It was a testament to his genius that he could no longer produce all the brilliant designs he's been coming up with. At least, not with the current tools at his disposal. Thus, he's reached out to his suppliers, and arranged to have a nice sewing machine brought to Wyrdwood. He's used one before, and quickly got used to operating it. It was a great step towards the fashion revolution, but naturally some enemy of progress just had to grab and yank him all the way back.

The name of the enemy of progress was Skrudge, and the foul creature certainly deserved it. Ria' suspected the gremlin must have been somehow related to dragons, for the rumours circulating about his hoard of contraband made it out to be of comparable proportions. Well, he was not about to let his sewing machine rust away in the darkness!

He marched proudly towards the lair his enemy called an office, ready to argue and fight for the fashion revolution. It seemed he was not the only person Skrudge has wronged recently, as there was another apprentice waiting in the hallway. And what a curious person it was, with two unique heads sticking out of the boring standard-issue Wyrdwood robe. Ria' wondered how did they handle clothing when not restricted by heartless uniform rules. Even if one was willing to make the sacrifice and compromise in the matters of fashion, the other would still have to account for the head... No! He couldn't afford to get distracted now!

"Are you in the queue?" he asked.

[Whim]

Liam darted back with a start. Or meant to but his other half held him steady. "No. We're done, you can go ahead if you like."

Kana had seen the pretty young man a few times. He ran in popular circles, always meticiulously groomed. The mindset behind the practice was both alien and fascinating to the grubby boy who cared only for braid. His gaze followed Rianharr as they left.

"Want to go take a nap?"

"Aren't we meeting Arthur to play cards?" Kana canted his head.

"I know what I said."

Kana stopped them as they rounded the bed, voice growing hush. "That kid is a big deal isnt he? Ria, I mean. I'm kind of..."

Curious what he did? Usually Liam was the one who liked evesdropping and gossip. They sidled up to the door to listen in...

***

Rianharr Thalence. Year Four. Highborn. No behavioral issues noted. One sewing machine in storage. Skrudge was designed to have a perfect memory. Such a thing might drive a human mad, though it served the imp well in his position.

"Good afternoon Master Thalence. Based upon my calculations you have come to retrieve your sewing machine." He gave a cheery smile, revealing rows of needle teeth. "Based upon concerns it may be an Animat of possible hostile disposition, and that Wyrdwood provides it's students uniforms, it is being held in storage until the time of your graduation."

[quaggan]

 "It's not an Animat!" Ria' argued. As if he was careless enough to let some unproven factor mess with his work. "The manufacturer has it tested before sending every package, and you can get the courier spirit's word on that it was not tampered with. And if you don't trust the experts' professional assessments, you can always order another test. Hells, I'm even willing to pay  for it!"

[Whim]

Skrudge's cheerful eyes narrowed. Pride was something he seldom experienced, but inside him welled a primal instinct to defend but the physical well-being and honor of his home. "Our resources are quite vast and superior to whatever you, ahem, deign to pay for. Nor does Wyrdwood accept the authority of third party 'experts' on arcana. I have calculated the chance of your device harboring some malevolent magic to be minimal.

"However, you do not need a sewing machine as clothes are provided, thus if you do not have it the risk goes from zero point zero zero one to simply zero." Of course other students at Wyrdwood were able to bring in all sorts of contraband. Evidently family connections did factor into whatever calculations Skrudge performed in his head. Ria' simply did not make the cut.

[quaggan]

 Ria' was not the violent type, but the idea of sticking some of his needles into the gremlin's leathery hide was tempting. He did not act on the impulse, however - Skrudge looked tough, and Ria' was not about to waste good needles on him. "Don't need a sewing machine? Poppycock! Wyrdwood robes are anything but enduring, that's why students have spares! Heck, I've even heard of some avid vaulters burning through all they have and needing to pay extra for more, or get some from friends! Of course I would need some tools to fix minor damage like holes or some material fraying!"

[Whim]

"It has been a tremendous pleasure chatting, young master Riannhar, but I must return to my duties. If you are concerned about your property I am more than happy to provide a receipt." A clawed hand reached for a quill, idly turning it. They never did. Offering some insignificant concession or favor was simply a way to diffuse hostility during negotiations. "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

--

"A sewing machine? What do suppose he wants with that?" Kana whispered. Being less than six inches apart they could whisper almost inaudibly to each-other. It was something of another linguage, picking up on the slightest sigh or nod. But a sewing machine? Sewing was for dresses and balls and other matters he did not concern himself with. Still, Kana had to admit Ria' looked rather nicer than himself all things considered...

"Fixing up his robe I suppose?" The pair were about to slink away, so as to avoid being caught eavesdropping, when Ria' emerged from the Steward's office.

"Oh, um, sorry! I mean hello!" Kana nudged his head toward the office, flashing the fashion-conscious youth a nervous smile smile. "How'd he got you? Liam here took my charm out when one of those imps was around..."

[quaggan]

 "Well you can take this receipt and shove it into the void between your ears!" Ria' shouted as he stomped out of the office. He slammed the door behind him too, just for emphasis, but to his displeasure, it did not produce the satisfying dry sound he was hoping for. He looked back, only to see his Wyrdwood-issue robe caught between the door and the frame. What indignity! He morosely pulled at it, hoping he wouldn't have to re-open the door to free it. He doubted that Skrudge would see it his way, even when faced with the proof of the fabric's flimsiness. Blast that creature!

There was another student(s?) in the hallway. They kind of looked familiar, and it dawned on him why: he was there before Ria' entered Skrudge's lair. Another victim, it seemed. "What a twisted little poopmonster" he grumbled. "Almost makes me wish I was good at thinking up pranks so I could retaliate."

[Whim]

"There is no need for hysterics, young master Riannhar. Good d-" And the door slammed. The gremlin frowned, ever so slightly, and flipped open a little black book. He made note of Rianharr's name and the date. After that, well, he returned to his duties completely unfazed.

--

Kana snickered loudly at the insult. Poopmonster. "Yeah. He took an old family thing of mine just because he didn't know what it was. Its like the sick little bastard enjoys making us miserable!" he shook his head in frustration. "And we ought to get back at him! He's that that ledger he's always writing in! We could enchant his ink to vanish. Or, like, hide meat in his office and fill it with maggots. It'd drive him crazy!"

"Or maybe we could..." Liam cast a cautious glance to Skrudge's office, motioning them down the hall hurriedly. How could you be so dumb as to talk about this sort of thing right in earshot of someone! "Maybe we could try and get our stuff back? Rather than wait seven years?"

"Well, it would be nice to get my horse back... but I don't see how." Kana smiled wistfully. The boy then turned, remembering they had company "Oh! Um, I'm Kana by the way. And this is Liam." He gave his other head a nudge, as if it wasn't already clear. "So, how'd he get his hands on your thing?"

[quaggan]

 Ria' rolled his eyes. "Typical. A grownup sees something he doesn't understand and wants to steal or destroy it" he pronounced with the full solemnity of a kid who's just stumbled on something he considered deep and profound.

His attention, rather than linger in the depths of his wisdom, was quickly diverted to the prospect of vengeance. "Brilliant! It's true what they say, that two heads are better than one!" he proclaimed proudly. "I like the ink idea! Oh, we could also 'let' him confiscate something enchanted to play annoying tuba noise very loud! Or breed enchanted insects to eat through his clothing. That'll teach him!"

Ria' paused to take a breath, allowing the other apprentices to get a word in edgewise. Liam's idea might not have been as colourful or creative as his and Kana's suggestions, but it held a practical appeal. He did want to get back his sewing machine. He would have been willing to put in another order and try to smuggle it in somehow, but taking back his rightful property from that bagwaffle sounded even better.

"I'm Rianharr Thalance, but just call me Ria'" he quickly added to complete the exchange of names. "Ugh, I didn't even get to use my machine. I was carrying the box to my dorm when that living booger showed up outta nowhere and demanded to inspect it. The nerve!"

[Whim]

"They sure are!" Kana nudged Liam, teeth forming a wicked smile. "And we've got this one as a back-up!

"And its great to meet you, Ria! You know that kid with the broom, right? Plutonius?" To Kana, making the acquaintance of this fashionable circle of pretty young men was well worth the loss of some trinket. They all lived in exciting castles, surely got to do wonderful things like ride atop giant ravens, and were just about the darlings of the entire academy. The boy was not ungrateful for the life he had now - being joined to Liam - but his eyes had just opened up to how amazing the world was outside his little village. "I suppose he's taken you flying and all that? And what were you meaning to sew, anyway?"

Liam forced a smile while rubbing his head, trying to sort his bangs back into place from Kana's rough-housing. "You know that is an interesting idea to trick him into confiscating something. Maybe we could smuggle ourselves in some how. I'd suppose we could turn into spiders and-? No, that's a bit dangerous. Maybe some sort of dimensional key? Oh but then its probably warded..." He pondered aloud.

[quaggan]

 "Yeah, Pluto and I are besties!" Ria' proclaimed proudly. "If only there was a window in that monster's lair, he could just fly us all right there! There is no feat of flight that he can't accomplish!"

He was about to launch into a full-blown sales pitch, detailing the whole range of his sewing services, when the next idea took a hold of his mind. He could let it lie, for now - he should prioritize, and the prospect of recovering his machine was too tempting not to keep discussing.

"Yeah, that poopmonster seems like the sort that would just squish spiders" Ria' grumbled. That was unforgivable, he respected spiders as fellow textile workers. Their webs were too sticky for him to use, but he was sure they made for excellent spider clothing. Perhaps the spiders should onionize to protect themselves. That one Verdan kid in the Basic Realmatics class was always going on about onions and workers' rights and saying that her province should declare independence.

"Perhaps we could get miniaturized with a spell, and hide somewhere that is about to be confiscated?" he suggested. "Is there a list of forbidden items we could check?"

[Whim]

"Liam actually kept that stupid primer they give us at the start of term. The one with all the rules everyone throws away.

"Its gotten us out of trouble too. Trouble you caused. And miniaturization does seem simplest..."

"Well the point is we got it upstairs. If you wanna look? Might give us some ideas!"

--

Kanaliam's bedroom was atop a drafty tower in the south of the keep. Tromping up there left the trio rather winded. "Here we are! Make yourself comfortable!" Kana nudged the door open cheerfully.

Their bedroom was shared with Taig and Arthur. It was tightly cramped with only a narrow space between two bunkbeds, terminating at a small desk under the shuttered window. A patchwork of old wool rugs and ragged pelts covered the floor - in addition to stacks of books and scattered smallclothes. The beds were unmade as one might expect.

"Sorry... Kana doesn't like making the bed." Liam reddened as they stepped inside.

"Girls do that. Or fancy guys like Ria. Not us." Kana had a rather rigid understanding of gender roles and domestic life. The stylish ways of young men of the upper classes were quite alien to him, but equally compelling.

The boy wandered over to a stack of books beside their bunk and rummaged through -- producing a thin ledger of yellowed paper. "Here we go. The Ways of Wyrdwood: Primer for First Year Students; under index three you will find Contraband and Prohibited Items for Underclassmen!" Liam laid it out on their table with a flourish.

[quaggan]

 "Oh, don't worry about the bed" Ria' declared magnanimously. "I don't get why people make it in the first place. I mean, I have to, because I don't want stuff I put there to get lost under the blankets. But back home, I never cared if my bed was made or not. I kind of felt bad for the house staff who had to do it all over again. I mean, I would just unmake it in the evening anyway."

Ria' glanced at the desk, saw enough space for his butt and sat right there, leaving the chair to Kaliam. "Alright, let's take a look." He craned his head to get a better view of the page. "Let's see... Those are the forbidden pets, I don't think that snollygoster keeps them with the other items". All this talk of returning the confiscated property after graduation carried the implication that they would be given back unharmed - and sticking it in the same place as a gaggle of magical creatures that could poop at them or cause other kinds of damage, would be counter-effective.

"And even if we were to somehow sneak into some creature's food and get eaten, the stomach acid would be a problem" Ria' added, just because he's been attending some classes on magical beings recently, and wanted to show off that he knew about acids. What if it sucked the dye out of his hair? That would be horrible!

[Whim]

"Snollygoster." Kana snorted with laughter. "And you really had servants clean for you? With all your sewing and such I thought you'd, um, like cooking and cleaning. We never had to learned any of that in my village, 'course.

"And what are you going to have eat us? I've never been shrunk and eaten! Ever! Is it fun?" The Duhjari hadn't any idea if it were a common occurrence in the world of highborn sorcerers. Ria spoke about it in such a cavalier manner, maybe it was some unpleasant and disgusting rite of passage?

"Stomach acid?!" Liam canted his head, looking a bit taken-a-back. This was getting a bit out of control. "I don't think a pet is a very good idea. I don't much fancy being eaten and, well, he might keep them elsewhere. Or worse. I think if we miniaturize ourselves and hide in something like a box, or an instrument, it will be simple enough.

"It says here relics from Fell, Thanatos, and of a Fey or Daemonic nature are subject to examination. You seem, well, crafty. Artistically speaking. Do you think you could manage something?"

[quaggan]

 Ria' did love it when a plan came together. He did have to pause, however, when the entertainment value of becoming a meal was brought up. Would that be fun? He didn't know and wasn't sure if he was supposed to know. Would it be taught in later classes?

Well, he'd just have to wait and see. He would not put any of this knowledge into practice that day. And he kind of liked the idea Liam came up with it. "That sounds excellent! Oh, I bet I could make some kind of a Thanati ceremonial robe - wait, I probably don't have all the fabric required for it, and it would take days at least. Maybe a Thanati ceremonial pouch. We can fit inside that, I think."

[Whim]

"That's a good idea." Liam carefully considered. Planning this was insane and he was almost certain they wouldn't do this, but it was fun in a kind of thought experiment way. "I suppose he might actually look inside. You'd need some sort of secret compartment. Maybe padded. If we were to-"

"That's great!" Kana beamed. "We'll do the miniaturzation spell!"

"We?"

"I can do stuff!" Kana huffed. "I can move rocks around. And remember when I made us bend that sword? It'll be no problem!" He flexed his arm as if that lended him more credibility. "In any case its all settled. Going to be amazing! And, um, don't suppose ya want to get dinner, Ria?" Kana was usually gregarious by nature, and invited everyone to everything. The youth felt a wave of apprehension over going to dinner with Rian'harr, however. Maybe it was just the prospect of gaining entry into this echelon of young, exciting aristocrats and heirs? Maybe.

[quaggan]

 What kind of a fabric should he pick? It would have to be something that looked Thanati, good enough to fool Skrudge. Bright colours, perhaps, and he'd have to try and mimick their patterns... His mind was completely on the task, all but absent from the conversation. Red would make a good base, he's heard it was considered lucky in Thanatos. Perhaps he could question some immigrants? He hoped there were more Thanati students in Wyrdwood than just Aahva.

The sound of his name broke his concentration. "What? Dinner? Oh, that's a good idea!" he exclaimed, having just caught enough of the conversation to work it into his thread of thoughts. "We can stake out the cafeteria and look for Thanati students to question there!"

[Whim]

"Well it would need to really catch his eye. Not just be, um, Thanati but obviously occult. It needs to have bones, charms, hints of necromancy." Liam hesitated. Mostly he didn't want to talk to anyone. But you didn't go up to some Thanati and ask how to create an authentic soul pouch or whatever nonsense they got up to. "I'm sure we can find a book easily enough. Some travelog or something..."

"We can find someone who isn't Ahva. It will take two seconds. Come on!" Kana jerked their shared body into action. And soon they were drifting down the tower stares to the dining hall. It was still early in the evening. A sparse collection of students dotted the long tables, and the students on kitchen duty for the month had begun assembling pots at the front of the room. Lamb and potato stew seasoned with rosemary, pumpernickel, and an apple tart.

"Wait I want the bread stop-" Kana had to snatch a slice as they passed.

Going to make us fat. Liam frowned, scanning the crowd carefully. "Sorry. Um, so is anyone from Thanatos?"

"We'll worry about that later. We should eat!" The three boys made their way to the end of one of the massive pine tables that lines the hall. As they did Kana turned to Ria, reddening a little. "So I had a... question... It's kind of silly.

"How do you get your hair nice like that? Like soft? Ours is always messy. Like when I take my braid out its not, like, nice?" He brushed a hand through his hair for emphasis. Though breaded it was a messy of cowlicks and split ends. Their dinner companion has the kind of shiny hair you'd see in paintings of heroes. Or on a girl maybe. How to achieve that softness was a mystery. One Kana meant to solve.

"Speak for yourself." Liam grumbled, stabbing hunk of lamb. His grooming really was not that much better. Of course in his mind Liam was the more refined of the pair. More to the point, Kanas sudden interest in fashion was... an unexpected enough turn to warrant a look if surprise.

[quaggan]

 Ria' was content to let Kanaliam lead him to the dining hall downstairs of the dorms. Let them handle finding Thanati students, he had to figure out the main design. Bones seemed to be the best bet - some of his suppliers probably could scrounge up some locally sourced skeletons and clean them up. He's worked with bone before - it made for good material for ornaments, and it was easy to shave them down if he made a mistake and needed them to be smaller. Now that he thought about it, he didn't even need to place a request with his suppliers - there were plenty of underclassmen just the right age who probably did not have any plans for their primary teeth. He could probably trade for these.

As he tried to remember the dental state of every kid he's ever interacted with, he followed Kanaliam, picking random food items off the tables. Only once they've settled, he gave it more thought. What even was this bizarre-smelling slop? He pushed the bowl away with a snort of disgust.

But before he had to face the consequences of not paying more attention to his choices, Kana distracted him with a question on one of the subjects Ria' was able to chat about without end. "I had to take good care of my hair, naturally!" he announced. "I need to comb it daily, and wash it with the right kind of shampoo - I used to have it delivered to Wyrdwood, most students of noble birth are allowed some packages from home, but now I have it produced locally. A lot of alchemy students here are willing to produce whatever you need in exchange for something - money works, but also exam answers, better food, the usual grease of Wyrdwood economy. I stitch together some pouches they need to hold the really bizarre ingredients, they make my beauty products."

"Of course" he added, after taking a breath to fuel further words, "what works for me won't necessarily work for you. Different kinds of hair."