Ryk's words made her breath stop. At first Einin didn't think she'd heard him right, but then he tilted her head so she met his eyes, and he said the words that broke her heart.
I love you.
No, no, no, no. Why was he telling her this now? All of this. It would have been easier, so much easier, to keep it all inside herself like a secret, to deal with unrequited feelings--there would be some kind of peace in that, at least. Some kind of closure, in knowing he just didn't feel that way for her. But her chest ached with each new word he spoke, each repetition of those three words, and when he kissed her, and finally hugged her, she curled in against him and squeezed him so tightly she could barely breathe.
"You weren't supposed to tell me that," she said, voice catching on a sob, fresh tears hot against his skin. "You're not supposed to say that, you bastard. You could have said it weeks ago..."
And if he had--if she had--would it have changed anything?
"I-I gave myself to you," Einin said, a sick feeling curling in her belly. Children. Motherhood. All things that would be expected of her, but things she could not share with him. "I can't imagine doing...any of this, with anyone else. I don't want to be with anyone else. I--" And she blinked back more tears, feeling stupid and childish, the flights of fancy of a young girl, but wasn't that how it was supposed to go? He was her first. Her first love, her first kiss. She'd given him her heart, given him her body, her virginity. How could she love anyone else? Touch anyone else? The thought made her feel frightened and dirty, because if she couldn't marry him, she'd be forced to marry another, and...
How could she do that?
She didn't want to. And she didn't want to give up what she had with Ryk. The thought of never kissing him again made her chest tighten, and the thought of him kissing and loving another woman, touching her the way he'd touched her, making love to her as he'd done with her, made a fresh sob catch in her throat. Would he tell her the same things he'd told her? Call her beautiful like he'd told her so many times? Laugh into her hair and kiss away her tears and hold her as she fell asleep?
It wasn't fair. None of it was fair.
"I wanted you," she said, burying her face against his chest to hide her tears. "I was just too stupid to admit it. And now...fuck..." She didn't want to say it. She probably didn't even have to, but saying it would only make her feel worse. And yet, if she didn't, she may never get the chance again.
"I love you," she said, wiping at her eyes. "I...I have for a while. I just never...I was scared you didn't, and..." Another breath, and a bitter laugh. "Fuck."