"You didn't, no. But I am struggling and need to be strong. I can come undone at home where it's safe. Here is a pit of vipers. It's dangerous."

Theo grinned softly and tilted his head slightly, looking at Fletcher with such deep warmth and affection where only the man could see. "Is it so wrong to want to see that my boyfriend is equally cared for, simply because I care for him? You take care of me so much. It goes both ways."

He made a point to exaggeratedly pick up another bite of food and eat.

Theo picked at the food but wisely chose to keep his protests to himself. If Fletcher didn't want to admit he was being a burden to the other man then Theo wasn't going to push it right now. He added it to the list of things they still needed to discuss together.

"Yes. I mean you have no idea the extent to which I hate these balls. And I mean if I had a reason to want to stay like this was something you enjoyed and wanted then I could endure but my dislike of them is fairly well known at this point. I often got in trouble with Father for hiding in the host's library to read the night away. Apparently this is in appropriate behavior befitting a man. Who'd have known? Apparently wandering garden in the dark with a young lady is far better despite the scandalous nature of it. Makes no sense," he grumbled while popping another bite in his mouth to chew sullenly.

"No, you're right," he continued also switching to sign albeit sluggishly. "I'm sorry for putting you more on alert and stressing you. I'll do better. I don't know what came over me. I just need another minute and then I'll go back out and play the part—do you—did you get to eat anything?"

He offered a small smile in return before settling more into the shadows leaning against the rail. He look he gave Fletcher upon the man's return was soft and only for his eyes.

"You're taking care of me again. I'm sorry," he murmured, accepting the plate without protest even as his eyes lingered on the drink instead.

"How rambunctious are they getting out there? Think we can manage to disappear before main course is even served?"

His hand slowly lowered his glass. Fletcher had made no move to fill it up and Theo felt ashamed because of it. He was behaving childishly and had forced his love to feel the need to step in again and take care of things for him, to monitor him for his own good. Theo placed it back on the rail and smoothed the front of his robes from imaginary wrinkles. 

"I'm afraid it will be you. It almost was you. It's not me I'm afraid for. It's you."

The joke caused Theo to chuckle softly. "No," he continued, exhaustion evident in every vibration of his voice, "we're going the extra spicy route, no safeties just live or die, pass or fail climbing and jumping."

He knocked back the entire glass, wincing slightly at the burn before holding it out towards Fletcher with a sharp nod. His face looked deeply haunted and pale in the moonlight. Even the usual warmth of his eyes had dulled completely from when he had stepped out of his room all beautiful and put together.

"All I want to do is go home." Theo paused and swallowed roughly, his voice cracking some as he continued to speak. "But I'm afraid if I go home early everything will happen again and...I should have just stayed home. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams and it's so pathetic. It's just a ball. It's just nobles partying and getting drunk and doing stupid things and I—am hating every minute of it.

"So yes, knock the udders off a cow and fill it up. Being engaged is even worse when it comes to this time of year. I regret everything."

He startled at Fletcher's presence, having been wrapped too deep in his own worried thoughts. "Sorry," Theo murmured softly while scooping up the glass and staring down into it.

"I just couldn't take another minute inside. Been contemplating if I could miraculously climb over the balcony to the next and the next until I found a quiet room to hide in." He snorted and shook his head, swirling the drink some before lowering his voice. "Did you bring your flask by any chance tonight?"

Theo bobbed his head in agreement. His gaze however lingered on the retreating man, taking in the strength but also the tension of his form. Fletcher was miserable, and likely more so than Theo himself. 

As he drifted through the room and eventually out onto a balcony rather than a chair as he had been instructed, Theo began to question once more what they were doing. His life was not Fletcher's. Would the other man accept the social finery and political dancing that came so often with comfort? Would he be able to stand balls like this? Or the questions that came with Theo being a perpetual bachelor? Would he want to be open one day when the Baron and Baroness were long gone? Would he want to forever remain a secret?

There were so many questions to be answered and they were nowhere near a place to be asking them yet in their relationship. Theo slumped in the shadow of the balcony corner and stared forlornly down below. How was he to balance all this? How could he best support the man he loved without crushing his spirit or driving him further away? He had never done this all before and he so earnestly wanted to get it all right. Fletcher deserved right. The way he spoke of the past, hinted at how things had been, or openly shared his scars, it all spoke to Theodore of a man that needed kindness and warmth and gentleness. Patience, Theo had in spades but how did he both protect and nurture a man in their current environment? How did he allow him to blossom while also dragging him down into the muck with him?

They needed to talk. They really, really needed to talk and soon. 

He snorted softly. "Not worth muddying your hands," he replied back through his teeth. The blush returned though at the reminder of mistletoe and Theo avoided Fletcher's eyes hoping to avoid explaining that one.

A drink though, it was foolish but it sounded like an excellent excuse to escape this show. "A big one. Maybe if I get stupid and drunk I can go home." Theo nodded with a deep sigh. "Yes please."

He took one, deep, fortifying breath and then plastered on his fake smile and gave Fletcher a nod. "Of course, Mr. Daw. How silly of me to be so nervous. I've seen my fiancé countless times now. No difference between home and work so many watching eyes. Thank you, I'm good now."

Theo gave another smaller headbob of a more genuine nature while meeting the other man's eyes before straightening himself and beginning to escort his mother inside. The noble mask fell back into place but there was a crack in it. His eyes no longer looked as enthused to the point that when Edwina joined them she asked after him, pressing her palm to his forehead to check his temperature. Theo gently drew her hand back down and away and released it.

"I am well, I assure you, Lady Obower. You need not worry for me and might I say your dress is lovely. Red is such a classic color for this time of year."

The woman twittered and giggled, doing her best to cling to him and never being allowed to touch for too long as Theo repeatedly maneuvered her into more polite positions and touches.

"Is Mr. Truckett here tonight?"

"I'm afraid not. After the incident at our last ball it was deemed best to have only experienced guards on staff tonight."

"Oh," she replied, trying to cover up her disappointment before smiling brightly and once more attempting to cling to his upper arm. "We'll have to find some mistletoe tonight. Although I don't think I've seen any in Lady Fjene's decorations. How gauche of her."

"Perhaps for the best. Can you imagine the number of couples taking advantage of it and so early in the season?"

"Oh yes! Best to keep the anticipation up!" Edwina eyed Fletcher up and down with a large grin. "Do you have someone to drag under the mistletoe this year, Jack?"

"—Mr. Daw is from the north. I'm not sure they do that where he's from," Theo quickly interjected blushing deeply at the thought. "Oh is that Lady Diene and Lady Gergene over that? Would you like a moment to talk to your friends dear?"

Edwina squealed and bounded off without being told twice, giving the two men a blessed moment of peace. "Is this ball almost over?" Theo asked exhausted, knowing it had barely even begun.

His eyes snapped up as he drew his legs back into himself thinking he had been in the way. It was only as he caught the moving hands that he realized what Fletcher was doing and a fluttering warmth spread through his chest. Even in public, even in a low moment, Fletcher was there providing comfort. Theo wanted nothing more than to press his knee back into Fletcher's and obtain more grounding contact. But he knew better with the presence of his parents and his lover's own resistance to touch currently.

The carriage had barely come to a stop at their destination though before Theo was practically throwing himself out of it. He earned much admonishment he couldn't hear from his parents for not letting Fletcher go first but his focus was more on leaning against the side of the carriage and catching his breath.

"I can't do this," he whispered under his breath while running a hand down his face. "I want to go home."

"Twice?" He bemoaned looking especially pained. "Your poor ears." Theo resisted just barely the urge to brush up against Fletcher as he passed the man. He just so much desired being close to the man and even that would bring him a drop of sustenance for the hunger within him. But he behaved and walked ahead with neither touch nor teasing.

Piling into the carriage gave him his own pause as it brought back its own memories. He had not been in one since that unfortunate night as Edwina had always been the one to visit him rather than him visit her. For a moment he attempted to back pedal only for his father to give a sharp look. Theo hung his head and entered to sit beside his mother in her excessively sparkly and puffy dress. He clenched and unclenched his fists while tamping down the bile in his throat. Over and over he counted to ten in every language he knew as the carriage bounced along, his breath shallow, sharp, staccato and almost harsh in its exit and entry.

How was he meant to survive this outing when he couldn't even get through a carriage ride without having a panic attack?

It was draining and lonely but Theo kept to his word and respected Fletcher's boundaries and did not make advances on him, instead waiting to be given the go ahead. After their few short nights together though he found himself miserable for their return. He craved the touch and affection he had been gifted in Fletcher's arms. Now that he had tasted love, he desired it more and always. 

He had to content himself with watching his love from the balcony absolutely demolish training dummy after dummy. It was torture for Theo knowing the man he loved was hurting and there was nothing he could do to protect him or heal him. That work was for Fletcher alone to do. Until then he could just remain a quiet support. 

In the meantime he was busy secretly acquiring gifts for family and friends alike. There was the barrel of mulled wine for the staff, cigars for his father, ribbons for his mother, fancy sweets for Kenna, another spirit ball friend for Aneisha, and so on and so forth. Fletcher's gift was proving to be more complicated however. Theo had every intention of gifting the other man a copy of the pirate romance novel he'd first pilfered from Theo's collection. But, he also wanted to steal the man's coat and have it not only repaired but have new and additional charms added to it besides the warning charm that had been broke since the night Ashley had been killed. 

He was in fact completely wrapped up in thinking of presents that when the servants came to assist with his attire for the ball, he was not at all ready. It was a massive rush then to get him all back in order so that when they all left, giggling and twittering as they passed Fletcher in the hall Theo was still trying to collect himself. 

Rosy-cheeked and somewhat stressed looking, the nobleman finally emerged from his room in a deep royal blue set of tailored robes with silver threading that looked like stars. His freckles were once more powdered into oblivion and there was something dusted into his hair that made it sparkle as it reflected in the light.

"I look silly," he griped as he exited and stood in the empty hall across from Fletcher. "Why don't the rest of you ever get to dress up and suffer like this?"

Theo nodded. "I am tired," he admitted freely. "I felt like a donkey to you and I couldn't sleep. I missed having you close and just spent the night mad at myself. Just figured sitting outside at least I wouldn't bother anyone and could still keep awake and enjoy the day. Apparently being cozy when it's cold just makes you sleepy. Who'd have known?"

He dragged himself to his feet and stretched before trundling off to his bed. "Can you do the fire again though please? You always do it best and I'm too much of a fire risk."

"Devlin," he repeated practicing how it felt on his tongue with an unconscious smile. "I can do that. Your real name just when it's us then?"

He regarded him some feeling greatly unsure on how to ask his next question. Was it better to accept the offer without question or to saddle Fletcher with another choice?

"Is that what you want? Do you want to be alone with your thoughts? Do you want company or even distraction? Do you even want to be in the same room as me right now? You do not need to stay. But you are welcome to."

"You mentioned Dev or Fletch, do you have a preference of any of them? Or against? Oh—it is Devlin with a D right? Not Tevlin with a T? I'm suddenly having flashbacks to Daw and Taw again."

Theo continued to smile back. "I love you. I love saying your name and knowing I'm allowed to."

He offered a sad half smile and nodded his head. "I'm sorry I don't know how to banish ghosts. If you figure it out though I wouldn't say no to learning."

His eyes dropped to follow Fletcher's gaze. He'd noticed the bracelet before but had honestly not paid it much mind. He had his own jewelry but there was something about the way his bodyguard looked at it now that made Theo suspect at its significance. It reminded the man of his husband. A gift perhaps? Or something that had once belonged to him? Either way it was important to Fletcher and so Theo wisely dared not ask. Nor, he resolved, would he ever ask the man to remove it for Theo's sake. 

"Anything," he uttered earnestly. Then his look of hopefulness turned to genuine, gentle joy. "My Devlin Fletcher."

Theo's smile broke out into a soft giggle as a thought struck him. "Peas in a pod. Archer and Fletcher."

"Oh, my Jack," he sighed softly in deep sympathy and concern. "No, my love. You're not hurting me. We're alright if you can forgive me and I'm not hurting you either. All I need is this. I need to know when I hurt you so that I can stop and not do it again. And I hear you. You need me to back off when you say back off like now. But, how do I make this right and fix this for you? How do I put you more at ease? Should we slow down?"

He sighed. "We're hurting men trying to survive in a world that doesn't allow much for healing. What I deserve and what you are, are the same: a good man. Being good and being broke are different things. So...instead of us saying we'll be better...maybe we can...maybe we can work on healing."

Theo allowed the other man his peace as he sat and held his book open in his lap. The words were a blur and once more he sat unreading. The difference this time though was that he wasn't staring at Fletcher but very much at the page. The book was no longer the excuse to stare but the excuse not to until the other man moved.

"I love you too," he replied immediately and without any hesitation. "We're going to be okay. We're okay. You don't have to say it again until you're ready. I know it was forced out of you and I'm sorry."

He nodded, sad but not hurt that his offer had been rejected. "Thank you for sharing your wishes," he replied instead. Theo collected a cloth square and placed it on the table beside Fletcher's chair to wipe his face with before retreating back to the other side of the fire.

"We both made mistakes and I'm sorry for my part in them. Take the time you need. I'll sit quiet and let you do what you need to."

His heart ached deeply. What kind of man had this Ven been? A sick one truly. One drowning in his own self-medication, and the thought scared Theodore because wasn't Fletcher doing the same? It was thoughts better left for later. Right now his beloved needed more of him than concern that would sound like admonishment.

"I'm sorry. Can I...may I touch you? May I provide comfort? Or do you prefer space?"