The kiss as it often did threw him off guard and by the time Fletcher was pulling away he was a blushing mess again. But it was the smile that eased his worries and his tension. He didn't know how Fletcher did it but every time he smiled like that it just made Theo melt. He knew everything would be okay in the face of it.

"You can be a fiend," he replied softly. "It is not as if you will not be receiving attention from me. I enjoyed treating you."

Theo blushed again and sat further back after he had been unconsciously leaning closer towards the other man. He nodded in response unable to meet his eye. "You have been without for some time is all. But thank you for the compliment."

"They're always screaming in the books," he muttered sullenly. "Jack? Are we okay? Are we going to be okay now? Or does this just change everything for the worst?"

Fletcher's touch caused him to raise his gaze, his uncertainty and vulnerability crystal clear in his hazel eyes. He leaned in for as long as it was there before settling back into his spot and allowing Fletcher his space.

"What does stress relief have to do with any of this?" He asked innocently. Theo sighed and shook his head. "Again I know you won't. I DO listen. I just...how are we to be intimate in a house with so many people? I can't hear anything," he pouted. "It's so easy to get caught. It's so easy for me to make a sound without realizing. I want this. I want you more than you could ever know. I just am struggling with my own worthiness."

He looked absolutely miserable as Fletcher muddled through putting the puzzle pieces together and coming to the correct conclusion. He knew he was an oddity. Hell his own father had tried to gift him with a whoring experience once he was of age and instead Theo had quietly spent the evening discussing with the women how they liked their jobs and how a pleasure house was run taking into the pros and cons of working in one versus on the streets as an independent. But to be his age and still be a virgin with nothing but romance stories to guide him in his desires was doing him no favors.

When he spoke it was in a voice still full of dejection and shame. "I do very, very much desire you. I desire everything with you. But I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of being terrible. I'm terrified of being caught especially during my...first time. Or what if you hate it? Or worse what if I hate it? You promised to stay but what if you keep your word and you're miserable because we don't do things? Or we both enjoy it but I'm still not enough to satisfy you because you're...used to a very active private life?

"There's so many things and I've been trying not to make it your problem and to sort through it myself because it's all so stupid and silly and has very little to do with you. Just ignore me it's fine. I'm being unnecessarily annoying I know."

Theo stopped his hands in Fletcher's grip but still squirmed a bit before finally giving up an answering. "I've never slept with anyone before, man or woman. I've never done any of this before beyond kissing. Last night...it was a first. I know you said you don't compare lovers and it's all so silly but I am...afraid and I don't know what I'm doing and no you won't leave but I don't know if I'll be enough and I don't want you resenting me or feeling trapped by me."

"No," he replied sternly, crossing his legs and sitting up straighter across from him. "You said you won't leave. I believe you. I asked you to come back if you have to. I believe you will. I listen to you and I don't understand where you come from saying I don't. I repeat that I believe you. I repeat that I don't need you to demonstrate your truth, that saying it is enough for me."

He lowered his head and picked at his cuticles until his fingers began to bleed and yet still kept picking out of anxiety. "I lack self-worth. This you know. I fight very hard with it to allow your praise to drown it out but it isn't something that will suddenly fix itself overnight. You're not the first person to offer praise. You just will be the first to not hurt me with it. And on top of that I am..."

Theo rolled his neck side to side and shifted his seated position in discomfort. "I'm embarrassed," he admitted while staring at Fletcher's jaw instead of his eyes.

"I forget. And I am unused to it. Spoiled brat and all that. I'm used to mind games and verbal chess games so I'm hesitant with what I say, what I share and have to think everything through before I allow myself the vulnerability. I try to be better than it. I try to be more communicative and clear to counter it. I try not to let things fester because I know firsthand how things explode. But, with you I don't know the insults I cause only see the aftermath. I feel like I just keep failing you because you're always tensed for a fight and I'm always ducking to avoid one."

He stopped his touching with how Fletcher started to look more concerned and bothered by it and instead rested his hands at his sides. "I'm sorry. You didn't want to have this conversation right now."

Theo rubbed his fingers against Fletcher's lips before shifting to pull the other man into his lap and begin finger combing his hair again. "Your yes now is allowed to be a no later. I am not the only one that needing consent from applies to."

He gently massaged the creases in his brow to help soothe Fletcher's features. The action also helped to delay and gather his thoughts before he was able to answer.

"I keep upsetting you when I'm not trying to cause conflict at all. I'm just bumbling through things when I'm not even trying to make things complicated."

He sighed and sat up, reaching for Fletcher but stopping at the last minute. "May I touch?

"I don't think we're fighting. Or I definitely don't want to be. I just...I don't know what I keep doing wrong. I'm not trying to be problematic. And yes obviously we will have this conversation tomorrow or later. But I want simple too. I hope you know that."

He collapsed into bed with him but leaned up on his elbow so to be on more equal lounging. "It's not like that at all to me, Jack. I don't consider it a chore or a way to keep you here or even as a means to apologize or manipulate you. I offered because I do want it. But I understand we're not in the best of moods currently either of us. Now's not the right time."

Theo slid one hand across the bed closer to Fletcher without touching. He craved the contact but felt like he was doing everything wrong. Everything was setting his anxiety on edge and none of it would be any semblance of better until they had a chance to talk. 

"I know you've been drinking—which is fine—but are you feeling able to talk about things right now? Or should we wait until you're less tipsy? Either is perfectly alright and I know this is not optimal timing especially when you wanted to talk earlier and I wasn't comfortable doing so at the time."

Theo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Come sit down and I'll hold you and we can talk some. How does that sound?"

He pressed his forehead against Fletcher's for a moment before offering a hand out to him to take as he took a step back towards the bed. "Thank you for being considerate of me. I just want...to take care of and nurture you back. You always seem to be the one stuck drying my tears. Sorry."

His hand fell limply to his side at what he first thought was rejection but then Fletcher was tearing his shirt aside and the man was left deeply confused. He furrowed his brow and shook his head quickly, his own hands coming up to rest on his lover's chest. 

"Jack, no. It's okay. I don't need you to prove your word. It's a bit much to need to smell a woman on you or rifle through your things don't you think? You said you haven't and I believe you. And again...it's alright if you do. I get it. But that being said...would you like some attention, my heart? Get your nobleman on his knees for you?"

He attempted to slip his hand into Fletcher's and interlock their fingers. "I told you, I missed you." Theo swallowed thickly, his smile wobbling some with anxiety. "I can go if you want. I just noticed you come home and wanted to greet you. If you're tired or not in the mood, that's okay. Just glad you're safely back."

The door opened for him and Theo got up to lock down his room and draw the curtains before entering. With Fletcher washing his face he was unsure with how upset the man still was with him but decided to be a bit brave. He stepped up close and gave him a gentle hug from behind. 

"I missed you," he said truthfully. "Did you have a good time?"

He'd heard the guard shift change and Fletcher leave. But as dusk became evening became night, Theo found himself quietly staying up by the fire waiting to feel the man's return. He wondered briefly if this was how it would always be; them stinging against each other, Fletcher running off to drink and white because Theo had said he was fine with it, and Theo waiting up all night to know he got home safely.

His eyes were aching by the time his bodyguard returned though from straining to read by the fire. A drawer opened and closed. Footsteps across the floor. A floorboard sagged underfoot.

For several moments he held his breath unsure of what to do. Should he get up and knock? Should he just go to bed since he hadn't come for him? Would he be seen as a needy or jealous lover if he did? Or uncaring and petty if he didn't?

"Jack?" He called ever so softly, hoping that the hearing every sound possible hadn't been so entirely true while also hoping the other man would respond back. "Is it too late to bother you?"

Theo wanted to stay. The cold and damp wasn't ideal for health but it wasn't the stifling misery of indoors either. Back inside he'd be trapped with their unsaid words and his anxiety. Fletcher did not seem any less bothered than when they had first left to come out here. In fact he looked worse.

Still Theo got to his feet without complaint. The other man couldn't go in without him and with how he had been coughing, the nobleman wasn't keen on testing to see whether or not he really was sick or soon would be.

"Yeah," he sighed, following Fletcher back into the house before heading up to his own room. He should have just stayed in bed. There were ample opportunities for him to do so and each time he left it, things got worse. Maybe he should just stay in bed forever. Or perhaps it was the bed that was the issue and he should never return to its warm comfort.

Instead though he opened his balcony doors and went back out into the cold. Soon they would be locked entirely until spring to keep the heat from escaping but for now he'd seek refuge here. The was caught it would be hell to pay but honestly, Theo was very far past caring anymore what his mother wanted or thought. He was just so tired. 

"I know it is. It's okay. Just...this is a conversation we will be having in the future. I'm not fulfilling your needs right now and I understand that. Yours may come to light again before I'm ready and it'll be what it'll be. I rather you be happy and comfortable than resenting me for needing time," he commented with a causal shrug.

"We'll figure it out just...I don't really want to have this conversation outside where we can be overheard if that's alright. I do want to have it though. I'm not shutting you down, you understand that right?"

"Invite them for Yule dinner," he snorted, rubbing his face. "We'll think of something. We have some time still before the trap is sprung. And we may miraculously even be lucky. He may do his job and be done with it all."

Fletcher's teasing didn't have the intended effect however. The nobleman's shoulders dropped further and a sad expression flitted across his features before he was able to catch and quell it.

"There are other pleasure houses. And people who don't belong to a house. And people who aren't even in the business of pleasure. I'm sure if it came to it you'd still have plenty of options to suit your moods."

His reply was logical and calm but Theo could not meet his lover's eyes. It made him feel low knowing that he was unable to provide everything that Fletcher needed of him. But what concerned him further was the fact that as a wholly inexperienced lover himself, he may end up putting the man off intimacy with Theo entirely once they ever reached the point of laying fully with each other. They would cross that bridge when they got to it and with everything else going on, Theo didn't feel able to express such concerns. There were far more pressing matters to deal with than his current lack of sex life. 

"Aye I imagine it all gets quite stagnant with the house being shut up for the winter. I'm sorry you're struggling with it. The healer in town might have a tonic that can help. I know he prescribes me one when the spring flowers first arrive and wreak havoc on my senses."

Theo did not answer until he was sat upon their bench with his back resting against the tree. The air was frigid but it helped to wake him up some and he turned his mind back to the topic at hand. Thoughts of Fletcher without apparel and stolen kisses could wait for their return indoors.

"I think talking at the Siren would be a good start. If it requires coin I will cover it. Find out if he has friends and connections as well. Do they keep client lists? Could you procure them if they did? Our blackmail may not be so much him as his wealthy clients who have been promised discretion."

He wobbled on his feet some looking drained but relieved. Gently he moved closer and embraced Fletcher again. "Promise to keep yourself. Promise to always return. I will not consider it leaving me otherwise. You're equally stuck with me I'm afraid."

Theo pulled back enough so he could kiss the other man tenderly. "Let's get you that walk and smoke  before that list of kisses is fully explored. I know you're likely practically rabid for one by now."